Back to Normal

Pour your heart out could not fall on a better day this week. I really need to pour my heart out.

This has been a week. One of those weeks that feels like it should be over by now because I'm over it. Where do I even start?

My sister went into the hospital over the weekend because she was in so much pain she could barely walk. So they needed to give her pain meds through an IV, and figure out a new pain management plan and a new chemo plan and all that. So basically they've been in the hospital all week (which I realize is not that long since it's only Wednesday but like I said, feels like forever ago because this has been a long week) meeting with doctors and stuff.

This weekend is Mom's weekend at my sorority. It is a super fun weekend where everyone's moms come up, we do a brunch and an auction and just get to spend quality time with our moms. Last year, my mom couldn't come because Anna was in the middle of chemo and everything and the timing just wasn't right. I missed her a lot, but a super sweet mom of a friend "adopted" me for the weekend so I wouldn't be alone. Which was great, but not like having my mom here.

This year, Anna was supposed to off chemo this week and the timing was perfect for my mom to come for the weekend. I've been looking forward to this forever. I know I just saw her a couple weeks ago for Spring Break and I went home a few weeks before that, so it's not like it's been forever since I've seen her but this weekend is special, and no matter how many times I go home it's not the same as having my mom here. Here to see all my friends. To meet the ones she hasn't yet (like my little sis) and to spend alone time with just me. When I'm home, usually there's a lot going on like Anna's not feeling well or something and we just don't get to spend much time just the two of us. That's what I was looking forward to the most this weekend.

Turns out, it's not happening. Again. On Monday, when my mom said they would be in the hospital a few more days my heart dropped because I just knew this would happen. On the weekend that belonged to me. It was my turn to spend quality time with my mom. "You're still gonna come, right?" I asked her Monday even though I had a feeling it was wishful thinking. All week, I battled this sadness that was overcoming me and tried to stay positive. "It might still work out," I told myself. "I know she's gonna try her hardest to come." "It's just a day to day thing, we don't know what's going to happen."

Today, I couldn't do it anymore. I tried calling her all day and when I got a text saying they were moving rooms at the hospital, I knew they weren't leaving the hospital anytime soon. I knew my plans for the weekend were ruined. I couldn't help it; I lost it. And once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was (and am) upset. Upset that my mom wasn't coming. Upset that my sister was in the hospital. Upset that I couldn't get a hold of my mom when I wanted. Upset that nothing was the way it should be. This isn't how life is supposed to be. There's not supposed to be hospital stays and unknowns and dammit, if my mom wants to come up for a weekend she should be able to.

I just want things to go back to normal. I want to live a normal life where we never see my sister because she's 17 and is always with her friends. (I don't mean the never see her part offensively but 17 year olds typically aren't home much) A normal life that doesn't involve hospitals. A normal life that doesn't involve cancer. And I know I'm not alone in wishing this, I'm just throwing myself a pity party because I was so excited to spend time with my mom, and I'm tired of being disappointed.

Maybe I'm being selfish by being upset. Because I'm not the one in the hospital and I'm not the one with cancer. My life is really not that bad compared to fighting cancer. I realize that. But it sucks when you're looking forward to something so much and then it doesn't happen. I don't blame my sister for being sick or taking attention away from me. I don't blame my mom for staying with her. I'm just upset at the situation, and every time someone says "I can't wait to see my mom this weekend," I want to burst into tears right then and there.

I also feel bad being upset because I don't want to make my mom upset. She has enough to deal with and I don't want her to worry about me too. I wouldn't even tell her why I was upset when she called today because I don't want to be a burden. But I am sad. Because there is nothing that can replace spending a weekend just the two of us...

On the bright side (I feel like I need to put a positive spin on this so it doesn't sound like poor, poor me. I have such a hard life), I get to go home for Easter, which will be nice. And there is a chance my godmother will be here to take my mom's place which would make me so happy. So it's not all bad, but no matter what I will miss my mom a lot this weekend.

So, for now, I am sulking. And self medicating with chocolate. And pouring my heart out. For now.

 I am linking up at Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out.

Make A Wish Monday: 2nd Edition!

I am so glad I got a lot of positive feedback about Make A Wish Monday. Like I said, I just have the up-most respect for the Make-A-Wish Foundation and I am so honored to have the chance to help spread the word about some of the wishes they have granted. Of course they have granted millions of wishes, so I'm only telling a small portion of their wishes through Make A Wish Mondays! Make sure you check out their website to read even more of their wishes!

One of the things I loved about the website when I was perusing for this weeks wish story was their "Where Are They Now" section. It's one thing to read about this really awesome wish that someone was granted, but it's even better to hear that they are healthy today! As I mentioned before, this is my biggest wish for my sister so it's encouraging to hear that! That's why this week I chose to feature one of the "Where Are They Now" stories.

Meet Jonathon. His wish granted way back in the day in 1993! (Fun fact in 1993, I was 3, and my sister was born in 1993!) His wish was to play golf with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and the Make-A-Wish Foundation made it happen! When asked why he chose this wish Jonathon said " I loved watching Chi Chi Rodriguez play golf. He was always so carefree and happy. He seemed like he thoroughly enjoyed life. Every time he played in a tournament, he would grab two kids from the crowd as he walked down the eighteenth fairway, one under each arm, and talk to them like they were the last two people on earth. I always thought how lucky those kids were to spend a couple minutes with Chi Chi. I couldn’t think of anything better than spending a few hours playing golf with such a fantastic person." Here he is with Chi Chi.

Jonathon had just finished his last round of chemo when he went to play golf with Chi Chi, and he vividly remembers Chi Chi looking him in the eye and telling him he could be whatever he wanted to be. "Hearing that from someone I admired so deeply really hit home," Jonathon told Make-A-Wish,  "I knew he was right and from that moment since I’ve always pursued my dreams as if they would one day be a reality."

 

Today, Jonathon had been in remission for 15 years and has no major long term side effects from the chemo. The doctors told him he would never be able to have kids because of the side effects, but he and his wife have 2 kids! Even better, today Jonathon works for the Make-A-Wish Foundation as the advancement and outreach director for the Make-A-Wish chapter in San Antonio! Jonathon speaks so highly of the Make-A-Wish Foundation explaining "Make-A-Wish is my life! It is a passion that is near and dear to my heart. In 1993 someone adopted my wish and made one heartfelt wish come true. Now, it is my job to return the favor to each and every child in San Antonio battling a life threatening medical condition. Someone did it for me, and it changed my life forever." 

I love Jonathon's story. It is truly such an inspiration to everyone fighting a life threatening disease. I would have loved to include every part of Jonathon's Q&A with Make-A-Wish, but it was long so make sure you go check it out for your self! 

Make A Wish Monday: 1st Edition!!

I am so excited to announce the newest addition to this blog: Make A Wish Mondays! A while back, the Make A Wish Foundation tweeted they were looking for bloggers who were interested in posting stories and content about what they've been doing. I love what Make A Wish does and so I jumped at the chance to help them spread the word about their organization. So, I developed Make A Wish Mondays! For the most part, I am just getting stories off their website that I like and sharing them here. Periodically, though, the Make A Wish crew will send me special content to share with you all!

So, without further ado, meet Blaise.

I chose to tell her story first because first of all how freakin cute is she?! Second of all I love that a little girl who gets to wish for anything just wants to see her family!

Blaise's wish was to go to Nashville to visit her family. Her cousins and grandpa live there and because she lives in Arizona, she didn't get to see them much. So when Make a Wish asked her what she wanted, all she wanted to do was visit them and they made it happen.

They flew Blaise and her family to Nashville where she got to spend time with her grandpa and cousins.
They went places like the Adventure Science Center and the Nashville Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. Most importantly, the family got to spend time together, and just have fun.

I know from experience when someone is sick, it is hard to just have time to spend together without focusing on the medical situation. This trip gave that family the opportunity to forget about Blaise being sick and just have fun! The Make A Wish website quotes Blaise's mom saying "“My daughter and her brother have suffered a lot of trauma and sadness ... thank you for giving us a happy vacation from it all!” 

To hear more of Blaise's story or to read other wishes that have been granted, go to wish.org.

I hope you all enjoyed Make A Wish Monday. It's still a work in progress, so please give me any suggestions you have! I don't know if this will be weekly or how often I will post these, but I really want to spread the word about the great work the Make A Wish Foundation is doing!

PYHO: Feeling Lucky

This week, I am on Spring Break. I have been counting down to this week for like, uh ever. School is stressful and super busy so I seriously covet anything with the word break in it (at least in the context that means I get a break from school).

Spring Break is an interesting concept in college. I suppose I am expected to be on some beach somewhere with hundreds of other college students who I just met (plus of course friends who I came with) and drinking a lot of alcohol and partying the week away only to return to school exhausted and hung over.

Yeah, well... I am at a beach. Except, instead of being with other college students I'm with my parents in an area in Florida where I'm pretty sure the average age is somewhere around 5 (with little or no other college students in sight). This is partially by choice. And partially because I wasn't invited on the big spring break trip that my friends planned and went on (or anywhere else for that matter).

This took along time to accept and I can't say I have fully accepted it because it hurts. It hurts like a slap in the face, like a big old F**K YOU. That's how I feel.

Because of this said slap in the face, I was left to make my own plans. My parents so generously offered to help me with this plans, they rented a loft in Florida for us and even told me to invite a friend or two (I did but it didn't work out.) My sister was invited to go to Florida with some of her friends, so it ended up just being me and my parents staying here Monday-Friday.

I will admit I had some hesitations about answering the inevitable "what are your plans for spring break" question with "I'm going on vacation with my parents." I kind of felt like a loser, at first; like I have such a non-existent social life that I have go on spring break with my parents." My parents are great, and I would even go so far as to describe them as "cool", so it wasn't them that was bothering me. It was more that I didn't have any other options.

But, I came, I saw and I have to admit, I am having a good time. The other night as I was eating a delicious meal with my parents, I thought about what I would be doing if I had gone on the "big" spring break trip with my friends. And you know what? I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. The more I thought about it, the more I considered myself lucky. Lucky that I have such great parents that I can spend a week with them without going absolutely crazy, Lucky that my parents would go to all of this trouble to plan a vacation just for the three of us. Lucky that I get to eat delicious food and spend time with my parents who I don't see that often. Lucky that my spring break is just that; a break. A chance to just sit on the beach and read if that's what I want to do. A chance to sleep in until noon if I want to. A chance to just relax.

After all is said and done, I am definitely counting my lucky stars this week and considering myself a lucky girl.

Collage of our vacation thus far. I apologize to my mother that she is not in this.
The one picture she and I have together is BAD (of me).

I'm linking up at Shell's for Pour Your Heart today. Happy 1 year anniversary, PYHO!

Welcome!

Tonight I am participating in something very exciting through the blog community I am a member of, SITS. Tonight is a Comment Cocktail Hour. Basically, it's a twitter party and we are tweeting out links to those that signed up, then everyone goes and visits that person and leaves a comment.

It is a great way to find some new blogs to read (as if I don't read enough already!) and to make some new blog friends! There are a lot of bloggers participating tonight, so we may not even get to me, but just in case I wanted everyone's first impression of me to be a little more uplifting than my last post!

So, if you're new here welcome!! I'm glad you're here! Here's what my blog is about in a nut shell:
Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman is the chronicle of a college girl wandering her way through her 20's, and blogging all the moments of life including sorority life, a sister with cancer and everything else that comes along. It will make you laugh and it will make you cry, but come along for the ride as this girl looks to find the woman in her and leave behind the girl.

I hope you all will come back and check out more of my site after the cocktail party is over ;) Off to comment on all the blogs.. 

Like It Was Yesterday

You know how there are certain days that stick with you  for the rest of your life? And no matter how long it's been it still feels like it was yesterday? Yeah, me too. For me, it is this day. The day that I found out my sister was sick. The day that changed everything.

I remember when it all started vividly; it was the night before all the craziness began. I was on my way to work and on the phone with my mom. One of the things she told me that stuck with me was that Anna had a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out why she was having hip pain, and that she and my dad were going. This is unusual, so I was surprised and commented (ironically) "this is serious." I really didn't think it was; that's why I said that. Because my sister was an aches and pains kind of girl; something always hurt. So she was having hip pain? Tomorrow she'll get over it, I thought. But I've never forgotten my mom's answer "well, we're hoping it's not." What? I was confused; how could some little hip pain be something serious? It never, not even once occured me to me that it could be so serious, so life threatening.

The next day is a blur; I was waiting to hear from my mom after the doctors appointment. I remember bits and pieces; I remember that she had a doctor's appointment and the next thing I knew she was in the hospital getting a biopsy. It was hard being so far away, I felt out of the loop and I wanted to be there. I remember my parents were trying not to worry me, so they told me it wasn't serious.

Later that day, I was sitting in my best friend's room checking my facebook when I saw that my aunt had posted on my sister's wall. "I love you," she wrote, "whatever this is you can do it. We'll get through it." "What is she talking about?" I thought. I went to my sister's profile and tons of people had written on her wall. "You can do this," they said. "You are so strong, I know you can fight." Fight? Fight what? At this point, I had no idea that cancer was even a possibility. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read my best friend what people were saying. I called my mom immediately. "Why is everyone telling Anna she can fight and that she'll get through this? What are they talking about?", I asked her through tears. That's when I knew. I knew that this was bad. That it was serious.

It took several days after the biopsy to get an official diagnosis. I went home shortly after that for Thanksgiving break and I remember telling my sister "You probably don't even have Cancer. It's just a scare, you're fine." We both knew I wasn't right, no matter how much we wanted it to be true.

I couldn't sleep for days after the diagnosis. It was cancer. What was going to happen now? Would she die? The thought of that terrified me and broke my heart into a million pieces.

Today, I am telling you this story for many reasons. Because since going home this weekend and being reminded of how hard my sister is fighting, it's been on my mind. Because it is always on my mind. Because I'll never forget. And? Because, today, you can do something to help. 1 Million 4 Anna, the site for my sister is hosting a Twitterthon today with Abolish Cancer. For every new follower of @abolishcancer today, the ad agency that started 1 Million 4 Anna will donate $1 to Children's Hospital where Anna is being treated. Where the nurses close the door and tell Anna "I pray for you everyday." Where they all know to pray at 12:12 for Anna. Where the doctors are doing everything they can to save her life. Please spread the word. We want to give back to the hospital that has done so much for Anna, and we want to create awareness about her story.

I wish that over a year since this story began, our story was one of kicking cancer's butt. But, it is not. Not yet. But, hopefully with the prayers it will become that story.

Got A Secret, Can You Keep It....

"Got a secret, can you keep it? Swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave"

Yes I just quoted the Pretty Little Liars theme song. I know. It's catchy, what can I say?! Anyway, I do have a secret to share. However, it is not my secret I am sharing. It is some anonymous person who trusted me to post their secret on my blog.

I am participating in BlogSecret, hosted by Holly. I love this idea! When I chose to blog using my name, I never considered what that meant. I never thought that there were things that I might not want to put out there using my name. There are some things I just can't say on here because of who might read it. That's where Holly's great idea comes in. I wrote a post, shared my story, but without my name attached to it. It's posted on someone elses blog anonymously, so it's out there, but it's not associated with me. It's the best of both worlds!

So, here is the secret that I have been entrusted to share. Leave your feedback for this person if you want, as they know their secret is being posted here! And, if you want to participate next time, be sure you let Holly know!
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The most beautiful woman in the world
I am doing this entry to try and flush the beautiful woman in the world out of my head.  I came across her while I was on holiday last November. The tragedy for me at least is that as much as she redefines what sexy is and has a equally bright mind she does not live in my local area, nor is she likely to in the foreseeable future. She has the nicest eyes I have ever seen which helped to cast me under her spell. While under her spell time just flew by.  I so fell under her spell that I failed to notice any other women for about two weeks afterward.  A part of me wants or wanted to tell her how amazing she is. But it really would be pointless because I probably won’t see her again.  Oh and the fact we have a couple of things in common only adds to things. I suspect that she is going to be in my dreams for a while yet.