For A Dancer

(First I feel the need to apologize for my long absence. The only excuse I have for my lack of posts is life got in the way. But I'm back and hoping to update more regularly. Hopefully some of you are still out there reading!) 


"I absolutely, completely, 100% despise Cancer and wish with all my being that it didn't exist." This was the only thing going through my mind this weekend as I sat at my third funeral in less than a year. The third funeral for someone close to me. The third funeral for someone who died way too young and way too soon. The third funeral that cancer caused.

My Aunt Heather was one of the greatest people I've ever known. She was full of life, she was so kind and caring, she had a contagious smile and laugh, and a contagious positive attitude. She was, to put it simply, amazing. We didn't see her too often growing up, but when we did, I always looked forward to it. Having 2 boys, she loved to take Anna and I to do "girly" things when we would come to visit. She was always planning a trip to go shopping, to get our nails done or even have a tea party. And of course, we didn't complain a bit! We loved being spoiled by our Aunt Heather.

When she got sick last year, it was right in the middle of when things started going downhill with Anna, so I already had a lot on my mind. It was hard to wrap my head around someone else in my family being sick. How is it possible that within 2 years, 2 of my family members were diagnosed with cancer? I couldn't even begin to understand it. I kept up with her journey through CaringBridge, and through updates from my mom. But at times, life got busy and I got behind with the CaringBridge updates and I just thought she was doing ok. I knew the initial diagnosis was not good; her surgeon told her she had, at best, a year to live. But Aunt Heather was determined and a fighter, so we all that she would beat the odds. Last I had heard, she was doing well. Until she wasn't. It was then I realized I was going to lose another family member to cancer and I couldn't begin to understand how in the world this was fair.

My first thought was for my cousins. Although I unfortunately understand the pain of losing someone you love to cancer, I can't even imagine it being your mom. The day I found out she wasn't going to live much longer, it was my cousins 18th birthday. How awful, I thought, to lose your mom at such an important time in your life. He's getting ready to graduate and go to college and now he has to do that without his mom. My heart breaks for him, my other cousin and my uncle.

When I first learned that I was coming to this funeral this weekend and shared that with a friend, the first question I was asked was "were you close to her?" This question made me stop in my tracks for a minute because how do you really answer that? Did we keep in touch on a regular basis? No. Did I see her often? Not really. But I felt a special bond with her that makes us close. The advice she gave me and the talks we had were really special to me. I remember at Thanksgiving, which seems like yesterday, she took me to get my nails done. It was just the two of us and we got to talk about anything and everything and I absolutely loved the one on one time we had. She had a way of making you feel so special and so loved. So, were we close? I don't know. But I do know that I will always miss her smile, her laugh and especially her hugs. I felt as if I was going back to see her this weekend and catch her up on my life, when in fact, I was going to her memorial. How I wish that wasn't the case...

To further prove what a big heart and how generous Aunt Heather was here is one of my favorite stories. A few months ago, I jokingly posted on Facebook that I needed a generous fan to fund my blog redesign. I was bored with the way it looked and wanted something more grown up. "Any takers!?" I posted. "Me! Me! Me!", my Aunt Heather immediately wrote back. "Seriously, I do," she told me, "I would love to." So this blog design? Is a tribute to my Aunt Heather. How appropriate that is purple, which was her favorite color.

Although this weekend just reaffirmed my absolute hatred for cancer, it also taught me a lot. Listening to all the wonderful things people had to say about my Aunt made me reevaluate the way I live my life. It made me view all my relationships and think about if I am appreciating them enough. My cousin Patrick spoke at the memorial and described what he and my cousin Steven coined "the Heather Redford Effect." He pointed out that it seemed as though every person my Aunt came into contact with left feeling as though they had just made a new best friend. She truly touched everyone she ever met and that is beyond inspiring. He challenged us all to pass it on. It is up to us, he told us, to pass on the Heather Redford effect. Be kind to others. Appreciate those that you have in your life, and don't take them for granted. And live life to the fullest. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. As one of her friends who spoke at the memorial said, if we wait until we have the right money or the right body or everything to be perfect to do the things we want to do, we will never do it. I think we all walked away from that memorial feeling, of course, very sad, but also inspired. Aunt Heather was amazing and changed a lot of people. We can all learn a lesson from the way she lived her life.

There was a poster up in their house this weekend with a picture of her and a quote that I think is absolutely perfect for my Aunt Heather: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather by skidding in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO-HOO What a Ride!!!'" This is exactly how she lived her life; to the fullest. And I am now reminded to do the same. 


It is true what "they" (whoever "they" are) say... only the good die young. My Aunt Heather and Anna were two of the most amazing, fun, free-spirited, inspirational people I know. I could go on and on about how amazing they are. I will never understand why they had to be taken from us so soon, but I am sure they are having on heck of a time together up in heaven complete with tea parties, mani/pedis and lots of dancing! :) I am grateful for the lessons that losing them has taught me, although I would trade those for having them back any day. 

Rest in peace, Aunt Heather. You are truly loved and missed. Give Anna one of your awesome hugs for me... 



My Aunt Heather requested that this song be played at her memorial, and I think it truly sums up how so many of us feel about death and dying, and it reminds me so much of the way Aunt Heather lived her life. The title of this post was obviously inspired by this song. 

PYHO: Her Legacy Lives On

This weekend was a weekend I’ve been looking forward to since going back to school. At the end of the summer, it was so hard to say goodbye to the people I’d spent my entire summer with, especially knowing we were all going to different places across the country from each other and that it would be months before we’d see each other again. This weekend was the weekend that we would finally all be reunited. And that was only part of the reason why this would be a special weekend. There were so many amazing things happening this weekend it was hard to know what to look forward to the most.

As luck would have it (actually I have no doubt that it had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with this weekend being meant to be), I didn’t have classes Friday so I was able to fly home Thursday night and begin preparing for the weekend ahead.

The first event was Friday night at my high school homecoming game. Last year, Anna was crowned Homecoming Queen for our high school. Tradition serves that last years queen crowns the new queen every year. This year, our high school asked me if I would do the honor of crowning the queen in Anna’s memory. To say I was honored would be an understatement. I had hoped, knowing this tradition, that they would at least honor Anna in some way but I had never anticipated being asked to be involved. Of course, every part of me wished that I was there watching her do it herself, but it meant a lot to me that they asked me to do it in her memory. I know Anna was proud. The girl that won told me she really felt Anna's presence through me, and that meant so much to me that I can help carry on Anna's spirit. 

By Friday night 4 of Anna’s friends were in town and amazing reunions were had. I really didn't realize how much I missed them until I realized how happy I was being back with them. These people are my favorite people, but that is a whole other blog post in itself. The best part was it felt like we had never left each other. It felt so normal and so right to be back at my house hanging out like we did all summer.

Saturday was an early day but for an awesome reason. Children’s Hospital, where Anna was treated, holds a Red Balloon Race every year. One of Anna’s classmates started “Team Float On” in Anna’s honor, so we all went to support the team. It was really amazing to see all the people who came out to honor Anna. 

Our team tent was definitely the best looking one out there!

Me and the friends of Anna's who had arrived so far.

By Saturday night, everyone was finally back together! My cousin Becca came in for the weekend and the rest of Anna’s friends had arrived.

The entire weekend just being together with so many of my favorite people was obviously fantastic, but Sunday was possibly the best day ever. Anna’s favorite band was Manchester Orchestra. On the last good night of her life, after high school graduation, she went to see them in concert, got brought up on stage and serenaded by the lead singer. The look on her face when she got home that night was one of pure joy; she could not stop gushing about how nice they were, how amazing everything was, and how they invited her to Lollapalooza. She even joked that she and Andy were getting married (never mind that he's already married!). She thought the world of the band, and the feeling was mutual. They were so touched by meeting Anna they came out to play a few songs privately for her friends and family after her memorial service this summer. Since then, we have kept in touch with them and established a really great relationship with them.

This weekend, they were playing in Dallas, so of course we got tickets. However, not only did we get tickets to go to the show, but we invited the whole band to our house to hang out for awhile. There are no words to describe how awesome this was. Not only were we partying with rock stars, but the coolest, nicest, most down to earth rock stars you will ever meet in your life. They were genuinely so grateful to us for having them over, and they really made an effort to get to know all of us. One moment that really stuck out to me was when a few of Anna’s friends and I were talking to their drummer, Tim, and he was recalling meeting Anna and how much it changed him. He talked about how she has completely changed all of their lives and the direction their band wants to take. “I have a picture of her up on the fridge,” he told us, “and I look at it everyday and think about her.” Amazing proof of what an impact Anna had on so many people.  As if that wasn’t enough, he also went around and asked each of us to share how we knew Anna. He genuinely wanted to know how each one of us had been a part of Anna’s life. Simply unbelievable and truly amazing is the only way I can think to sum it up.

The group with the band

Except it gets better. After spending the day getting to know this awesome band, we went to see them play that night. I will admit that up until about a week ago, I was only a Manchester Orchestra fan in theory. I knew a few songs, but most of those were the songs Andy played after Anna’s memorial. But thanks to a friend (shout out, Zach), I sought out more of their music and researched what they’d been playing on tour lately. It would have been an amazing concert regardless if I had ever heard any of the songs before, but after listening to the Manchester Orchestra playlist I created every day for the last week or so, I was easily singing along to almost every song. Pretty impressive, I’d say, for someone who used to tell Anna to listen to “good music” when she’d play bands like Manchester Orchestra. I have no doubt that she was so proud of me during that concert. It may seem like a small thing to say she has changed me because I enjoy her type of music now, but it is just one more way in which she has influenced me and everyone else who knew her.

To say the concert was amazing would be an understatement. Hands down the best concert I’ve ever been to is more like it. What is even more amazing, though is that they invited us to come hangout with them backstage after the show. As we were leaving, I had a conversation with two of the band members that I will never forget. "I don't think you know how much you mean to Anna's friends and family," one of her friends told them. I will never forget their response. "If anything," they told us, "It is the other way around. You all mean so much to us and Anna truly changed our lives and we are forever grateful." Simply amazing how much she changed their lives after only meeting them once. 

2 of Anna's best friends, our cousin and I with the most amazing band ever.

It was impossible to go through this weekend and especially Sunday night with the band without thinking about Anna and how she is the reason for all of this. It truly makes me believe in the phrase I once hated; "everything happens for a reason". There was a reason Anna was healthy enough to make it to that concert that night, even though her health declined rapidly after that. There was a reason that she met the band. I've always said her purpose in life was to change lives. It was clearer than ever this weekend to see how she did that. Not only did she change her friends and family, but millions of other people including this amazing band who will continue to change people because of her. There is nothing that can replace her or take away the pain of losing her, but it sure does it make you think twice about being sad about it. I am so thankful that my eyes have been opened to see her purpose and how even almost 6 months after she passed away, her legacy of changing lives carries on.

I'm linking up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say.

My Sister, My Friend

Tuesday was a special day in our house; it was my sisters 18th birthday! I know this post is a little long overdue, but there are reasons for that! First of all, she spent her actual birthday in the hospital until about 9:30 that night and she hasn't been feeling well for awhile.

Thursday, she woke up feeling better than she has in a long time. She had a lot of energy and said she was in basically no pain (a huge deal as she has pretty much permanently been in some kind of pain lately). Since she was feeling so great, she declared that today was "meant to be her birthday!" So, we finally opened all her presents and we even had her birthday dinner at Kobe Steakhouse! It was so great to see her feeling so much like herself and pain free.

So the celebration just happened and a birthday post for my sister is a big deal; I couldn't just write down some words and call it a day, I wanted it to be special! Special= a lot of time going into it.

My mom likes to tell the story of how when my sister was born, every time she would cry or make noise, I would say "Let's play a game!" or something to keep the attention on me. I would say this is an accurate portrayal of our relationship; I have always been jealous of my sister. Jealous that she was prettier, skinnier, and the "favorite" of our parents. My irrational jealousy, however, did not stop me from becoming super close to my sister.

For as long as I can remember, my sister and I loved hanging out. When we were younger, we played everything under the sun; we played pretend; teachers, grown ups, teenagers. You name it, we probably did it! Whether we were inside or in the pool or running around outside, we were always together.

We are 3 1/2 years apart, so obviously there were times when the age difference was tough. I will never forget when I was about 13 and she was 10 (give or take a couple years, I'm not sure).  Before that, we spent most of our time together. Once I got older, I started making more friends and going out with them more. My sister didn't understand why I was going out without her and not hanging out with her. I remember feeling so guilty and my heart was just completely broken that I made my sister so sad. Obviously, she got over it and went through plenty of times when she didn't want me around, so it all equaled out!

Throughout the years, although we were close that didn't stop us from fighting. We definitely had our fair share of fights. Over what to watch on TV, who was right and wrong, borrowing each others stuff; you name it, we probably argued over it at least once. There was even the infamous TV remote fight that we still laugh about today; we were arguing over what to watch on TV or something, so she threw the remote at me and hit me in the head! There were even times we said "I hate you", but we both knew we didn't mean it. The one blessing that comes from her being sick is that we fight so much less now. It made me realize that the little things aren't a big deal, and I am much more appreciative of our time together now.

Although we were excited to celebrate her birthday, there was definitely some sadness surrounding the day. Especially because she was in the hospital, a sad reminder of what she is going through and how unknown the future is. The truth is, we don't know if she'll celebrate her 19th birthday. You can say that for anyone, I know, because tomorrow is not a guarantee but it is especially not a guarantee when you have cancer and your treatment has ended. But, instead of focusing on that, I am focusing on the good. That she was surrounded by people who love her when she got home on her birthday, and again Thursday for her birthday dinner. That she felt well enough to celebrate her birthday at all.

Because there just aren't words to accurately describe how I feel about my sister, I am stealing borrowing some from the card I gave her. (Thanks Hallmark!)

There's no friend like a sister

to share life's ups and downs,

To laugh with you and cry with you 

And make smiles out of frowns.

There's no friend like a sister, 

and no sister quite like you-

The kind of friend I'm glad to have 

To love my whole life through! 

"I was thinking just today, About how we used to play Barbie dolls and make-up, Tea parties dress up. I remember how we'd fight, Then make up and laugh all night. Wish we were kids again. My sister, my friend"- Reba McEntire, My Sister

 

Happy 18th Birthday, Anna! I love you!! 

Back to Normal

Pour your heart out could not fall on a better day this week. I really need to pour my heart out.

This has been a week. One of those weeks that feels like it should be over by now because I'm over it. Where do I even start?

My sister went into the hospital over the weekend because she was in so much pain she could barely walk. So they needed to give her pain meds through an IV, and figure out a new pain management plan and a new chemo plan and all that. So basically they've been in the hospital all week (which I realize is not that long since it's only Wednesday but like I said, feels like forever ago because this has been a long week) meeting with doctors and stuff.

This weekend is Mom's weekend at my sorority. It is a super fun weekend where everyone's moms come up, we do a brunch and an auction and just get to spend quality time with our moms. Last year, my mom couldn't come because Anna was in the middle of chemo and everything and the timing just wasn't right. I missed her a lot, but a super sweet mom of a friend "adopted" me for the weekend so I wouldn't be alone. Which was great, but not like having my mom here.

This year, Anna was supposed to off chemo this week and the timing was perfect for my mom to come for the weekend. I've been looking forward to this forever. I know I just saw her a couple weeks ago for Spring Break and I went home a few weeks before that, so it's not like it's been forever since I've seen her but this weekend is special, and no matter how many times I go home it's not the same as having my mom here. Here to see all my friends. To meet the ones she hasn't yet (like my little sis) and to spend alone time with just me. When I'm home, usually there's a lot going on like Anna's not feeling well or something and we just don't get to spend much time just the two of us. That's what I was looking forward to the most this weekend.

Turns out, it's not happening. Again. On Monday, when my mom said they would be in the hospital a few more days my heart dropped because I just knew this would happen. On the weekend that belonged to me. It was my turn to spend quality time with my mom. "You're still gonna come, right?" I asked her Monday even though I had a feeling it was wishful thinking. All week, I battled this sadness that was overcoming me and tried to stay positive. "It might still work out," I told myself. "I know she's gonna try her hardest to come." "It's just a day to day thing, we don't know what's going to happen."

Today, I couldn't do it anymore. I tried calling her all day and when I got a text saying they were moving rooms at the hospital, I knew they weren't leaving the hospital anytime soon. I knew my plans for the weekend were ruined. I couldn't help it; I lost it. And once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was (and am) upset. Upset that my mom wasn't coming. Upset that my sister was in the hospital. Upset that I couldn't get a hold of my mom when I wanted. Upset that nothing was the way it should be. This isn't how life is supposed to be. There's not supposed to be hospital stays and unknowns and dammit, if my mom wants to come up for a weekend she should be able to.

I just want things to go back to normal. I want to live a normal life where we never see my sister because she's 17 and is always with her friends. (I don't mean the never see her part offensively but 17 year olds typically aren't home much) A normal life that doesn't involve hospitals. A normal life that doesn't involve cancer. And I know I'm not alone in wishing this, I'm just throwing myself a pity party because I was so excited to spend time with my mom, and I'm tired of being disappointed.

Maybe I'm being selfish by being upset. Because I'm not the one in the hospital and I'm not the one with cancer. My life is really not that bad compared to fighting cancer. I realize that. But it sucks when you're looking forward to something so much and then it doesn't happen. I don't blame my sister for being sick or taking attention away from me. I don't blame my mom for staying with her. I'm just upset at the situation, and every time someone says "I can't wait to see my mom this weekend," I want to burst into tears right then and there.

I also feel bad being upset because I don't want to make my mom upset. She has enough to deal with and I don't want her to worry about me too. I wouldn't even tell her why I was upset when she called today because I don't want to be a burden. But I am sad. Because there is nothing that can replace spending a weekend just the two of us...

On the bright side (I feel like I need to put a positive spin on this so it doesn't sound like poor, poor me. I have such a hard life), I get to go home for Easter, which will be nice. And there is a chance my godmother will be here to take my mom's place which would make me so happy. So it's not all bad, but no matter what I will miss my mom a lot this weekend.

So, for now, I am sulking. And self medicating with chocolate. And pouring my heart out. For now.

 I am linking up at Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out.

PYHO: Feeling Lucky

This week, I am on Spring Break. I have been counting down to this week for like, uh ever. School is stressful and super busy so I seriously covet anything with the word break in it (at least in the context that means I get a break from school).

Spring Break is an interesting concept in college. I suppose I am expected to be on some beach somewhere with hundreds of other college students who I just met (plus of course friends who I came with) and drinking a lot of alcohol and partying the week away only to return to school exhausted and hung over.

Yeah, well... I am at a beach. Except, instead of being with other college students I'm with my parents in an area in Florida where I'm pretty sure the average age is somewhere around 5 (with little or no other college students in sight). This is partially by choice. And partially because I wasn't invited on the big spring break trip that my friends planned and went on (or anywhere else for that matter).

This took along time to accept and I can't say I have fully accepted it because it hurts. It hurts like a slap in the face, like a big old F**K YOU. That's how I feel.

Because of this said slap in the face, I was left to make my own plans. My parents so generously offered to help me with this plans, they rented a loft in Florida for us and even told me to invite a friend or two (I did but it didn't work out.) My sister was invited to go to Florida with some of her friends, so it ended up just being me and my parents staying here Monday-Friday.

I will admit I had some hesitations about answering the inevitable "what are your plans for spring break" question with "I'm going on vacation with my parents." I kind of felt like a loser, at first; like I have such a non-existent social life that I have go on spring break with my parents." My parents are great, and I would even go so far as to describe them as "cool", so it wasn't them that was bothering me. It was more that I didn't have any other options.

But, I came, I saw and I have to admit, I am having a good time. The other night as I was eating a delicious meal with my parents, I thought about what I would be doing if I had gone on the "big" spring break trip with my friends. And you know what? I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. The more I thought about it, the more I considered myself lucky. Lucky that I have such great parents that I can spend a week with them without going absolutely crazy, Lucky that my parents would go to all of this trouble to plan a vacation just for the three of us. Lucky that I get to eat delicious food and spend time with my parents who I don't see that often. Lucky that my spring break is just that; a break. A chance to just sit on the beach and read if that's what I want to do. A chance to sleep in until noon if I want to. A chance to just relax.

After all is said and done, I am definitely counting my lucky stars this week and considering myself a lucky girl.

Collage of our vacation thus far. I apologize to my mother that she is not in this.
The one picture she and I have together is BAD (of me).

I'm linking up at Shell's for Pour Your Heart today. Happy 1 year anniversary, PYHO!

PSF: Not Exactly Roughing It...

If you've been reading here lately or keeping up with me on facebook, you may have heard about the fabulous trip to Colorado my family and I took. If not, pay more attention don't worry I will fill you in!

About a week before Christmas, we found out that we were being an amazing gift; a trip to Colorado. A family who heard of our family and what we've been going through has a house in Beaver Creek. Every year around Christmas time, they pick a family and donate their house to them for a week. This year, they chose us. And let me tell you, this was no average trip! We were living the high life for that week, and it is a trip we will never forget I am sure!

First of all, as if staying in an amazing house and bringing 4 extra people (my sister's friends) with us wasn't enough, we were flown to Colorado on a private plane.Which was really, really amazing!

Definitely a step up from your average flight, don't ya think!? As we were flying in, we could already start to see the beautiful, snowy white mountains!

Once we landed, we drove about 30 minutes (with amazing views the whole way! Everywhere you looked, it was so pretty) to the awesome house we stayed in. Seriously, it was such a beautiful house!

The picture is kind of dark... I don't know why it didn't occur to me to take a picture during actual daylight.

As soon as we got to the house, my sister and her friends literally ran into the house and before I even got inside, they had claimed their bedrooms! The house was just as beautiful inside as out; it was 5 stories and 5 bedrooms! We all kind of ended up on our own floor; my sister and her friends were on the next to last floor, I was above them and my parents were in the huge master bedroom on the top floor.

This was my room.

Clearly, this was taken after I had been living in it a few days!

The room my sister and 2 of her friends stayed in

The room the other 2 girls stayed in. (Sorry crappy iPhone picture)

The living area upstairs on the main floor was beautiful! It had a really nice kitchen, dining room and living room where we spent a lot of time playing games and watching movies!

The kitchen is on the right, dining room on the left and the living room in the middle!

Not only was the house clearly amazing, but the trip itself was also a blast! My mom and I don't ski (hate it. Despise skiing. Tried it once, never again!), so we spent our days walking around town (before the temperature dropped later in the week to single digits, including 0), shopping, etc. We even went and drank Pear Martini's one day! They were so good!

Yum!!!

It was really nice to spend some time with her just the two of us! My dad took my sister and her friends skiing every day, and they (mostly) had a good time! They were even crazy brave enough to face the single digit weather.

Of course, New Years was an experience all in itself, but you read about that already.

The end of the week came way too quickly (we tried to negotiate another day, but it didn't work out) and we were sad to leave the beautiful mountains. We flew home on another amazing private plane as a last part of our high life week!

We are so grateful for this trip that was such a generous gift! It was so nice to completely escape from real life for a week and enjoy some R and R! Great memories were made, a lot of fun was had and the time was definitely well spent!




Hosted by Cecily and Lolli
(I'm accidentally posting this a day late because I forgot yesterday. Ooops!)

I Love Christmas!

Who doesn't love Christmas?! As the song goes, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Christmas is obviously great. I may be biased, but personally I think it's especially great at my house! Our family traditions are what makes Christmas extra special and extra great in our house. Every year, I look forward to the same things and I know they will still be the same the next year and the next!

It kind of looks like it's snowing outside, but I promise there was no white Christmas in Dallas!

Our traditions start, of course, on Christmas Eve!
Every year, after we go to mass, as soon as we come home we get our "Christmas jammies"! This is so exciting to put on our jammies while we wait for dinner and we wake up ready for Santa in the morning dressed in our Christmas jammies! My sister and I usually match, too, which is fun and a flashback of our younger years when we usually matched!

I know it's blurry, but it's the only picture we have of our pj's! I wanted one of us in them, but it didn't happen.

Our dinner Christmas Eve is also one of my favorite traditions, as it is also one of the most delicious! We have home made, green pasta with salmon and tomato sauce; it's red and green so it's festive and it is seriously so, so good! Definitely one of my favorite meals of all time. (Sadly, no picture of this. I was too busy eating to remember to take a picture!)

Then, Christmas Eve night my sister and I usually spend the night together so we can wake up in the morning and see what "Santa" left. This year was sadly the first year we didn't do that, but I did wake up her in time to go open presents! We are instructed what time we can get up (it gets later every year as we get older, this year it was no earlier than 10 which was fine by us!), and we call our parents when we're ready. We wait at the top of the stairs for the "ok" to come down! We see what Santa left first and then we open the rest of the presents!

This is me, checking out what I got! haha

The aftermath of present opening! We pretty much destroyed our living room.

The rest of the day is my favorite way to spend Christmas; doing absolutely nothing. If we change out of our pajamas, the day is a fail. We stay in our pajamas all day long, and just relax! It's greatness.

This is what I was doing all day; laying on the couch with my laptop of course in my jammies!

My dad cooks another amazing dinner Christmas night; Beef Wellington and for dessert, Chocolate souffle. I don't even really like beef, but this is amazing. It is beef filled with puff pastry and just so, so yummy! We only eat this like once or twice a year, so it's really special!

Yumm!!

That concludes the Basso family Christmas traditions! I hold these traditions so close, and I think it's something that we all look forward to! I hope that these traditions can live on through the years and maybe one day my sister and I will share these with our families! Merry Christmas to you all, I hope your day was wonderful!

Hard Times

I haven't even been home for a week, and already it's hard. For many reasons, in real life home is never quite the glamorized version I have in my head. It's not as fun as I imagine, it's not as happy, it's not a lot of things.

I used to know what to expect when coming home. It used to be always pretty much the same. But for the past year, it's been different. Now when I come home, I don't know what to expect, don't know what it will be like. I don't know how my sister will be feeling, I don't know if she'll be home or in the hospital, I don't know a lot of things. In a lot of ways, this is hard because I like to know things ahead of time. I like being prepared.

Since I've been home, I have been struggling. Struggling with balancing my feelings with everyone elses, struggling with where I fit in when I'm home, struggling to feel happy. And that sucks. When I'm home, I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my time with them because I know when I'm gone I'll miss them. But it's not always easy. It's especially hard lately because my sister has been really sick and that requires a lot of attention from everyone else. My mom's main priority is taking care of her (as it should be), and even though I am ashamed to admit it, a lot of times it leaves me feeling left in the dust.

I am 21 years old, and I can clearly take care of myself. I don't need or require 24/7 attention from my parents, but sometimes you still like a reminder that people are happy to see you. That they are happy you're home. That they care about you just as much as your sister even though her needs come before yours. Logically, I know all of this is true. And I am mad at myself for thinking otherwise. But my emotional side gets the best of me, my feelings get hurt and I become someone I'm not proud of. I am angry, withdrawn, and sad. And most of all, selfish. I try so hard to let my own selfish feelings go, to let the logical side of me take over and remind me that I am loved and I'm not ignored. I try so hard to remember that the reason that my sister is getting all the attention is because she needs it. And I should consider myself lucky that I don't require that kind of attention because I know she is suffering.

But I am only human, and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I know we are all dealing with a lot and we all have our crosses to bear. Coming home just brings up a lot of different emotions that I am not used to dealing with, and that is why I am struggling. I know it will get easier as time goes on. I know that it won't be like this forever. But the more I feel sad, the more angry I feel because I know I am being selfish. Because I am not the one with cancer and my attention complexes are hardly a problem in comparison. I wish I was a better person; one who was stronger and could handle being "ignored" for a few days; one who cared more about my sister and her struggles than my own selfish needs; one who said "What can I do?" instead of saying "What about me?". I am going to work to be this person. It's not going to be easy, but my family has enough to deal with, and the last thing they need is me acting like I'm 1 instead of 21.

So, these last couple days may have been rough, but I am learning. Learning to let go, to not be so selfish, and learning how to be a better person. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help what I do about it. I have to stop pouting and grow up. It's time. Hard times are on their way out...

The Best Things In Life Are Free...

En route to Dallas today to go home for the holiday's, I learned a couple lessons. First of all, traveling is not cheap. Here's my breakdown for the day:

Lunch on the way to the airport: $7
Earphones for plane: $20
Gas money for my fabulous sorority little sis who drove me to the airport: $10
Starbucks (very necessary part of my travel experience!): $5
Magazines: $10
Dinner: $10
Beer (check that off the list of things I've wanted to do as a 21 year old citizen- have a beer at the airport!): $6
Plane ticket (ok I didn't actually pay for this myself, but I figured I may as well include it): $100+
However...

Finally being home and getting to spend the holidays with my family: Priceless

Second lesson of the day? The best things in life are free, as they say, and being home with my family for Christmas is definitely worth any amount of money! Free? Maybe not so much, but priceless.. for sure!


p.s. Sorry for being a total absentee blogger as of late. It's been a combination of not really knowing how to follow up my last post and writer's block. I hope that this will launch my comeback! Hopefully some of you are still around to read what I have to say!

How We Became the Laughingstock of the Beach

Disclaimer: I was sadly not present for this event due to not feeling well. However, I heard about it in enough detail from my family members that I feel I am educated enough to tell this story, even if it is second-hand. I attempted to check my facts as much as possible, so I blame lack of family cooperation for any incorrect facts.

This past week, my family and I were in Litchfield Beach, SC for a family reunion with my dad's side. This our 21st year in a row going, and it is always a blast. It is truly special that my cousins, sister and I were able to grow up with this tradition of getting together every summer, and getting to see family who we might not be able to see otherwise.

Anyway, after 21 years of meeting at the same place, we have definitely developed some traditions over the years. Some have lasted all 21 years (as far as I know... I was only 9 months old our first year!), some are newer traditions and some have changed as we (my cousins, my sister and I) have gotten older.

One of these traditions is "family day". It is every Wednesday of our beach week, and on this day the dad's and our "Papaw" don't go golfing like they do every other day, and they stay home and spend quality time with all of the family. When we (the kids) were younger, this was the day when the dad's took us out to the water park. We spent the whole day there, just us and our dad's, and it was a blast. However, a few years ago we decided we had all kind of outgrown the water park. As fun as it was, we were not little kids anymore, so we decided to scrap that tradition.

However, in it's place we developed "Beach games" that were to be planned by the dad's and played by the kids on family day. So, the first year was fairly successful; we played our games and we all enjoyed ourselves, and it was a fun family bonding experience. Fast forward to last year, and beach games failed to take place. We blame the dad's, but they claim it's not their fault, so who knows who is to blame. Anyway, this year we decided to bring them back and make them better than ever.

So Friday, our last day at the beach, all the grand kids file out to the beach for beach games to begin. And this is how it started to go downhill. The planners of these games (my mom and my aunt Kara) decided that this should be like "Beach Olympics". We needed an opening ceremony and a closing ceremony. I laughed this off, thinking they were joking. They weren't. As everyone got outside to play or witness the games, the adults began to sing. Not only were they singing loud enough to get other people's attention on the beach, but they were singing The Star Spangled Banner. People around us on the beach started standing up, putting their hands on their heart as if they had to follow what we were doing, and some people just laughed at us. When some of my cousins started to laugh, because clearly this had to be a joke, our grandfather informed them that this song was "the most important song you'll ever hear." So in other words, shut up. 

 (Here are the teams, lined up preparing for battle!)

So, the beach games proceeded and of course there was sibling rivalry, cousin rivalry, and everything else you could expect. We were really a sight to be seen, out on the beach playing field day like games. People who were walking by literally stopped and watched either out of shock like WTF are they doing, or to laugh at us, either way they were staring. It is important to note that 6 out of the 8 cousins are girls, and we all know bikinis or any kind of bathing suit is not the most modest outfit. It is also not really conducive to running around the beach and pouring water into buckets, which is exactly what the game requires.See?

Then, there was the egg toss. Get a group of kids together, and toss eggs, and you are bound to get a mess. Even on the beach. The eggs ended up all over the beach and of course, in peoples hair because someone thought that was a good idea since it's apparently good for your hair.

(Passing the sponge game)

 (Egg tosses are very intense!)

And obviously beach games would not be complete without some silly string to spray all over everyone. So now not only is everyone soaking wet, covered in egg, but also covered in silly string. And suddenly everyone looked like this:

 Well, mostly just the adults looked like that, at least they were good sports! ;)

Then, for the closing ceremony it was decided the kids would shoot off rockets they had made earlier in the week as a craft. This is when disaster really struck. The rockets are not exactly high tech, and were made by kids ranging from 8-14. That being said, these rockets apparently had a mind of their own because when they were lunched, they landed everywhere. Including near other people on the beach, almost hitting people in the head. Some people were angry we were throwing rockets at them, some just laughed at us, obviously thinking we were crazy people.(Sadly, no pictures of this.)

21 years at the beach we have experienced many things, but this was definitely the first time that I can say for sure that we were the laughing stock of the beach. You know when people are pointing and laughing, it's pretty safe to assume they are not laughing with you.Oh well, what's a little embarrassment for family fun right!?

(Note to any and all family members who may be reading this, this post is intended to be a satirical recount of what happened. It is in no way supposed to be offensive to anyone involved in planning or participating in these games. Also, please don't kill me for posting pictures of you in your bathing suit. It had to be done.) 

Two Girls & A Scary Reptile

Growing up with only a sister, the girls always outnumbered the one boy (my dad) in our house. Even our dog is a girl! Personally, I love having a sister and wouldn't change it for anything. There are some times, though, that we could probably use a little more testosterone in the house. Today was one of those times.

My sister was upstairs getting ready to meet her friends when I heard her call me. I went to go see what she needed, and I found her standing in the bathroom. I asked if she called me and she responded "help!" I panicked a little. Was she bleeding? Was something hurting? "What is wrong?!" I asked her. Then she told me the problem. Nothing was wrong with her, but there was an intruder in her bathroom. A lizard. And this lizard had made its self at home inside of her wig (gross!). She was freaking out and didn't know what to do, so she called me.

I was not much help, unfortunately. I am seriously afraid of reptiles, especially lizards. I don't know what it is, but they freak me out. They are just so gross and creepy. I really can't explain my aversion to them, it is just something about them I find sooooo off putting. So, naturally, I started freaking out and screaming like a girl. "Anna," I told her, "I hate lizards! I can't handle this! I don't know what to do!" I was so repulsed and had no idea what to do with this disgusting creature.

I did the first thing I could think of; I grabbed a bunch of tissues and tried to capture it. Well, that didn't work very well. So, new plan. All the while, we were both squealing like little girls and saying "OMG" over and over. Finally, we decide that we need to get it out of the wig, so we shake it, and sure enough the lizard comes flying out of the wig onto the floor. Great, now what? My sister grabbed a make up box or something to try and capture it in, but the stupid thing crawled into the hallway and found itself a corner to make itself comfortable in. Right next to my room, no less. Awesome.

So, we try to figure out what to do, and at this point, it decides to crawl into my room. At this point I'm totally freaking out even more because OMG, gross, IT'S IN MY ROOM. EW. I decide to do the next logical thing, call my mom. So she answers and I'm all "OMG." and she's like "What's going on?". "Um, there is a lizard in our house! And we don't know what to do with it." After I tell her this, she laughs. What is funny about this?! She thinks it's ridiculous I'm freaking out. No, it's not, it's gross! So, she tells me to chill out (not gonna happen) and get a broom and a dust pan, and sweep up the lizard and take it outside.

Alright, so now we have a plan of action. I go downstairs to get the broom and stuff, still freaking out. So, I come back with the broom, we take the box off that Anna put over him, and sure enough, he starts moving. EW. So, I quickly and frantically start sweeping (on the carpet, no less. Not the easiest surface to try to sweep something up) trying to get the lizard in the dust pan. Finally, I am successful and I start to make a run for the front door, but before I can even take two steps, the stupid thing crawls out of the dust pan. So now I am furiously sweeping the stupid lizard and Anna, who has always been empathetic to even the grossest animals (we used to have possums in our attic and when the animal control people captured them, Anna would name them!) is saying "don't kill it!". Oops. Too late. I guess I swept a little too hard, and well the lizard suffered the consequences. At least now I could sweep it into the dust pan and get it far, far away from my room!

So I take it outside and throw it in the yard and try not to throw up from getting a close look at it in the light. Gross. Anyway, right in the middle of all this chaos of trying to capture the lizard, my sister (who has always wanted an older brother, but instead she got me, ha!) says "see, this is why we need a brother! To do this kind of stuff for us." Good point, Anna. Too bad we're about 15 years too late to get a new sibling. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to suck it up and get over our girly fears!

Pour Your Heart Out: Make A Wish

I'm linking up at Shell's place today for Pour Your Heart Out; A blog carnival started to encourage us all to let out whatever has been on our minds and in our hearts lately.

The Make A Wish Foundation is an amazing, wonderful organization that allows children with cancer to fulfill a wish they might not otherwise be able to fulfill. They have done everything from building space ships to sending kids to Disney World, you name it they've probably done it. Anyway, they have been gracious enough to grant my sister a wish, which after all she's been through you have to admit she totally deserves it.

Now that she has finished her treatment (!!!!!), it is time for her to cash in her wish. Problem is, she doesn't exactly know what to wish for. (Who can blame her, that is a tough decision!) So one night at dinner last week, we were trying to decide what she should wish for. Concert tickets to some amazing show? Backstage passes to a music festival? Access to Fashion Week in New York? So many amazing choices, so little time to decide. It really is a once in a lifetime kind of thing, to wish for anything you want and to have it happen. It has to be something truly amazing.

Obviously we came up with a lot of great options and ideas for her to consider. However, as I looked at my sister, her favorite hat covering up her bald head, her beautiful face sans eyelashes and eyebrows; all the physical results of what she's been through the last few months, all I could think was I wish that she could wish that the cancer will never come back. That is my wish for her, because like I've said, I can't imagine my life without my sister.

This is new territory we we are entering into. Now that she is done with treatment, we are all obviously thrilled that this stage in our lives is over. But, like the saying goes, when one door closes, another opens. We may be done for now with hospital visits and chemotherapy and blood transfusions, but now we enter the waiting game. We wait. Wait for her to get re-scanned. Wait for the results. Wait to see if the cancer is gone for good. And that is scary. 

Last night, we celebrated. Family and friends gathered and cheered for Anna as she arrived home from her last chemo treatment. It was a beautiful celebration, and definitely a great thing to be celebrating, but we can't help but wonder if it's over. Sure, the last scans were great. No one expected the kind of progress she made. But what will happen when her body is no longer pumped up with all kinds of medicine killing the cancer? What happens now? The truth is, we don't know. So, although we are ready for celebration of no more hospitalization, no more chemo, we wait. We wait to see what happens next. And the possibility of this journey not being over is in the back of our minds, no matter how hard we try not to think about it. Last night, Anna said to me "I don't want everyone to celebrate and jinx it". My heart almost broke because I wish for her that she didn't have to carry that worry around with her. I wish that we could really and truly celebrate without the fear and worry of a relapse.

The story of Ellie Potvin has been weighing heavily on my heart lately, not only because her story is heart breaking, but also because it reminds me of my sister and her story. They have a similar type of cancer; both forms of sarcoma. Both young, both were diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. Ellie beat cancer the first time around. Then, she relapsed and his since passed away. This breaks my heart and terrifies me all at the same time. I do my best not to go over the "what if's" in my head constantly, but it is hard not to. It is nearly impossible when you hear a story like Ellie's not to think of my sister and her own battle with cancer. I know that every story is different. And for every story that does not have a happy ending, there is one that does.

I believe in the power of prayer, and Anna definitely has that working in her favor. So, for now I am just going to continue praying. Continue to celebrate the fact that she is done with treatment. Continue loving my sister like I always have. Continue thanking God for healing her thus far, and trust that he will continue to do so. Continue to ask you all to do the same. To go to her site, 1 Million Prayers, and pledge to pray. I believe in the happy ending for her, I do. But if I had one wish, I would still wish for the cancer to stay away, just to make sure. I wish we had that guarantee.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to a guy I am proud to call my Daddy! 

From an early age, he made me laugh and smile like no one else! 

And when I would sit on his lap, I would feel like the most special little girl in the world.

As the years went by and I got older our relationship changed but I never stopped looking up to and admiring my Daddy. He helped me become the person that I am today because he always taught me to strive to be the best I can be. He taught me to never give up on my dreams. When my dad tells me he's proud of me, it means the world to me because I always work to make him proud.

My dad has always worked hard to give our family a great life and I am so grateful to him for that. I have learned a lot about hard work by watching my dad and listening to his advice.

It takes a special kind of man to be a Daddy to two girls, but my dad has always been great with us. Even though when he took me to football games and he had to talk strangers behind him about the game since I didn't know what was going on, even though when he's watching golf I comment on their outfits or if they're cute rather than the actual tournament, I know he wouldn't have it any other way, and that means a lot. I know he loves us and we are lucky to have him!

Now that I am older and starting to think about a future husband, I not only think of qualities my dad possesses that I want in a husband, but I also think about someone who will get a long with my dad. I always say (because you know, you can plan these things! ha!) that my future husband needs to play golf so he can bond with my dad!  My dad has been the most important man in my life for 20 years, so any other man in my life will need to appreciate him as much as I do! Luckily I still have a long time to find him! It's no easy task! ;)

So, Happy Father's Day to my Dad. I'm lucky to have you in my life and especially as my dad! Love you!


(p.s. Mom- I know I owe you a great Mother's Day post next year after this! haha)