19.11.09

Worst Kind of News

I hate blogging under negative circumstances. I would much rather write funny, witty posts, anything but this type of post. But something is weighing on my mind heavily, and I can't not share.

My younger sister has been having hip pain for quite awhile, so they finally went to get it checked out this week. After a few tests and stuff, they found a mass on her hip which they think might be a tumor. They found this out this afternoon, and by tonight my sister was already at the hospital having a biopsy. After the biopsy, the doctors are optimistic... they intitally thought it was a very agressive form of cancer and have since changed their minds, but aren't really sure what it is. It's going to take a few days to know for sure.

I am honestly kind of speechless. My emotions have been all over the place since finding this news out at 3:30 this afternoon. At first, I was in shock, I didn't know what to think, what to do, what to say. The more I thought about the more scared I was and I couldn't get that awful word cancer out of my head. That big, scary, mean, ugly word. My sister is only 16. She shouldn't have to be going through this. I am scared. I am terrified of what's going to happen to her. I don't want to have to think about life without my sister, my other half.

I immediately flash back to all those times we've argued, all those times we said I hate you to each other, even though we both knew we didn't mean it. We're sisters, we fight. That's inevitable, of coruse. But now? Now I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I had kept in touch with her better while being away at school. I wish that I didn't take tomorrow and next year and 20 years from now for granted. I wish I had cherished the time with her more.

Most of all, I wish I was there. The worst part of all of this is hearing her cry on the phone and telling me how she wished I was there, when I knew I couldn't be there. Logically, I know there's not much I could do there. She has a great support system even without me. But I feel awful for being so far away. I wish I could be there to support her, to tell her everything will be ok. And I will be soon enough. I'll be home in less than a week, and be able to tell her all those things. I'll be able to spend time with her, and I'm glad for that. As my dad put it, my job is to focus on school and studies, and their job is to focus on her.

It's hard for me to be here, with my life going on as normal, and have her there, with her life anything but normal. She's in the hospital, and I'm still here, still doing the same things I was yesterday. I feel guilty for laughing, for having fun. My friends invited me to go out with them tonight... I feel guilty if I go out and have fun. Of course she'll always be on my mind, but I just feel guilty that she is the one suffering and I'm not. Everything else just seems so unimportant now. Like all my worries or needs seem so trivial and stupid. 

I really believe that everything will be okay. I know whatever happens, she will make it through. She is stubborn and will fight if she has to. I pray that this is just all a big scare, and that everything will turn out fine. I know in my heart that she'll be okay, that 20 years from now is not something to take for granted because it will happen. It's just the "what if's" that scare as much as I try not to think like that.

Everyone has been so phenomenal, so supportive already. All of her friends and classmates have been adding me on facebook, and offering their thoughts and prayers. One of her classmates is hosting a rosary ceremony at the school tomorrow morning. Everyone is praying, and I can't thank them for that enough. Everyone on Twitter has been amazing, offering their prayers as well. Even people who don't personally know me or my sister are praying for her and for my family. That is amazing. Thank you. If you're curious, I'm updating on Twitter as much as possible, so you can keep up with what's going on there. Also, a CaringBridge page has been started for her, so updates can be seen there as well.

Anna... you're one of the strongest people I know. You'll get through whatever this is, which is hopefully nothing. I know everything will be okay. I'm always here for you and I'm so lucky that you're my sister.

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

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15 comments:

Dawn said...

Patrice, I will definitely say some prayers...for both you and your sister. (((Hugs))) I know this is easy for me to say and harder for you to do, but try to let go of that guilt. You are where you need to be, and while you may be miles away from your sister, you are right there with her in spirit. Surely she knows that! You can't help her by feeling guilty, but you can help her by praying and calling her to check in.

Anonymous said...

Hey Sweetie, I didn't know any of this was going on until just now!!! You know I am praying for Anna and your family. Please keep me updated, I can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to you guys. Love you... Praying !!!!

Debbie Waters

Rebecca Louise. said...

This is awful news but I believe in medical science. I hope that optimism from the dr's continue.

But for you, you know where I am if you want to talk. This is horrible news but I know that whatever happens it will bring you even closer together!

Bravery never falters :) xo

Kristen said...

Hi Patrice - I came over from Rebecca's blog @ Making Memories. She mentioned that you have received some scary news and after reading this post I just want you to know that I have my fingers crossed for you and your family.

I agree with Rebecca bravery never falters anyone. I really hope you get the good news she deserves.

Mandy said...

Oh no. I will keep you guys in my prayers as well. Hang in there....

Sues2u2 said...

Prayers, warm thoughts & lots of love for you & your family. Medical science is amazing & if the dr's feel optimistic after having gone in then you should believe them.

My heart is here for y'all.

Sarah Krull said...

Patrice,
Thanks for sharing straight from your heart! I will keep you along with Anna and your Mom and Dad in my prayers. You can help Anna be even stronger.
Love,
Aunt Sarah

BrunetteKoala said...

Patrice, I don't know you but came over from Bec's blog (Making Memories). I just went through a similar thing with my Mum when a routine mamogram showed some concerning results....we went through weeks of tests and waiting for results. That big ugly word 'cancer' hung over us.

Praying for you and your sister. My Mum got the all clear last month, and I hope and pray your sister gets the all clear too.

Heather @ boy, girl, and a pug said...

Oh honey, I so know how your sister is feeling right now. Hopefully it will come back as nothing. But if it doesn't, please, please look into MD Anderson or the Mayo Clinic. These are two best cancer places in the US. I wish I would have started out there instead of wasting 8 months on chemo that did nothing. Always here if you need to vent. HUGS!

Chelle said...

Oh, Patrice, I am so, so, so sorry. I wish I could give you and her a big hug right now. She will be added to my prayer list. I am so praying and hoping and praying that all of our prayers will be answered.

{{{hugs}}}

Jen said...

Just wanted to drop a little note to say that I'm thinking of you and praying for a positive outcome for your sister.

.::Kassandra::. said...

I've been in her spot before. Don't worry about the fights and stuff. Thats normal. Just put all your energy towards today forward :)

Bethany said...

I'm saying some prayers for you! Hope it turns out ok!

prashant said...

I know this is easy for me to say and harder for you to do

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Twin XL said...

Don't ever feel bad about posting not-happy news of feelings....it's good to express what you're feeling :) I pray for you & your family.

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