Like It Was Yesterday

You know how there are certain days that stick with you  for the rest of your life? And no matter how long it's been it still feels like it was yesterday? Yeah, me too. For me, it is this day. The day that I found out my sister was sick. The day that changed everything.

I remember when it all started vividly; it was the night before all the craziness began. I was on my way to work and on the phone with my mom. One of the things she told me that stuck with me was that Anna had a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out why she was having hip pain, and that she and my dad were going. This is unusual, so I was surprised and commented (ironically) "this is serious." I really didn't think it was; that's why I said that. Because my sister was an aches and pains kind of girl; something always hurt. So she was having hip pain? Tomorrow she'll get over it, I thought. But I've never forgotten my mom's answer "well, we're hoping it's not." What? I was confused; how could some little hip pain be something serious? It never, not even once occured me to me that it could be so serious, so life threatening.

The next day is a blur; I was waiting to hear from my mom after the doctors appointment. I remember bits and pieces; I remember that she had a doctor's appointment and the next thing I knew she was in the hospital getting a biopsy. It was hard being so far away, I felt out of the loop and I wanted to be there. I remember my parents were trying not to worry me, so they told me it wasn't serious.

Later that day, I was sitting in my best friend's room checking my facebook when I saw that my aunt had posted on my sister's wall. "I love you," she wrote, "whatever this is you can do it. We'll get through it." "What is she talking about?" I thought. I went to my sister's profile and tons of people had written on her wall. "You can do this," they said. "You are so strong, I know you can fight." Fight? Fight what? At this point, I had no idea that cancer was even a possibility. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read my best friend what people were saying. I called my mom immediately. "Why is everyone telling Anna she can fight and that she'll get through this? What are they talking about?", I asked her through tears. That's when I knew. I knew that this was bad. That it was serious.

It took several days after the biopsy to get an official diagnosis. I went home shortly after that for Thanksgiving break and I remember telling my sister "You probably don't even have Cancer. It's just a scare, you're fine." We both knew I wasn't right, no matter how much we wanted it to be true.

I couldn't sleep for days after the diagnosis. It was cancer. What was going to happen now? Would she die? The thought of that terrified me and broke my heart into a million pieces.

Today, I am telling you this story for many reasons. Because since going home this weekend and being reminded of how hard my sister is fighting, it's been on my mind. Because it is always on my mind. Because I'll never forget. And? Because, today, you can do something to help. 1 Million 4 Anna, the site for my sister is hosting a Twitterthon today with Abolish Cancer. For every new follower of @abolishcancer today, the ad agency that started 1 Million 4 Anna will donate $1 to Children's Hospital where Anna is being treated. Where the nurses close the door and tell Anna "I pray for you everyday." Where they all know to pray at 12:12 for Anna. Where the doctors are doing everything they can to save her life. Please spread the word. We want to give back to the hospital that has done so much for Anna, and we want to create awareness about her story.

I wish that over a year since this story began, our story was one of kicking cancer's butt. But, it is not. Not yet. But, hopefully with the prayers it will become that story.

So Close, Yet So Far

A year and 10 days ago today was when my family recieved the worst kind of news; that something serious was going on with my sister. Just a couple weeks after that, we received more bad news; that it was cancer.


10 days from now, I was planning on celebrating (and by celebrating I mean blogging about) how far we've come in a year. How last year at this time, we weren't sure what the future held. How last year during the holidays, they were bitter sweet. And now, we could put this all behind us. We could truly enjoy our holidays knowing Anna is healthy. We could celebrate the miracle God has given us.


That was the plan... until today. Last week, it was decided that one more test needed to be run before Anna's port could come out. Her scans were clear, but they decided they should check her bone marrow before taking out the port as one last precaution. Today, we found out her bone marrow showed cancer cells were still present. Which means more treatment, more unknown, more fighting, and more praying.


No one, not even her doctors expected this to be the result. We were taken aback and obviously very sad. We had come so far, we thought we had it beat. Now, we start over again. Back to square 1.


My emotions and thoughts have been all over the place today. The main thing I keep thinking is I can't believe we're back here. It was all too familiar: the sad phone calls from my parents, the promises to keep me updated, the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next, the treatment options, all of it. All of it felt exactly as it did almost a year ago. This year was supposed to be different. This year we were supposed to have celebrations and be thankful for Anna's health. I am so disappointed, scared, and just so sad. Sad for her because she is 17 and a senior in high school. Her biggest worries should be where she is going to college, not trying to beat cancer. This is such an exciting time in her life, and I want her to enjoy that, instead she has a huge burden like cancer weighing down on her. 


Most of all, I hate being away. I am thousands of miles away and all I want to do is give my sister a hug and tell her "it will be ok" "we will get through this" and so much more. I want to be with my family who understands more than anything what I am going through, because they are going through it too. I have a great support system here; my friends and sorority sisters are amazing and supportive of not only me but also of Anna, and that is all I could ask for. But it's not the same. It's not the same as being with my family. It's not the  same as being home. And as much as my friends/ sorority sisters care and understand what I'm going through, their lives move on. They are ok. That's not to say my family is not ok, but it effects family differently than it does friends and close family friends. 


As ridiculous as it is, there is a part of me that feels guilty. Guilty for sometimes ignoring the calendar reminder that goes off every day at 12:12 to pray. Guilty for taking for granted her renewed health and not continuing to pray for continued health. Guilty because I can't do anything to make her better. My Aunt/Godmother and I exchanged messages over Facebook tonight, and she summed it up best "it is so frustrating not being able to do anything." It really is....


As much sadness and unhappiness I am feeling right now, I am also grateful. Which is a crazy thing to feel right now, but thank God we ran this test. Thank God we know that there are cancer cells present which could spread and cause irreversible damage. Thank God we can treat this, that there are options. I am so grateful that even though it sucks she has to go through more treatment, that there is treatment. That she can (and will) still beat this. This is not the end. It is just another beginning, and as much as that sucks, I would rather it be the beginning a thousand times than the end even once. My sister has proven she is a fighter and will continue to fight. This is just another bump in the road. 


What hurts the most is that we were so close to the end, but now it seems as though we are so far. It is long from the end, because we are not giving up. Anna will fight until there is no fight left because she has conquered every battle. I know that. But I would just like to fast forward to that part. 


A friend of hers posted this verse on her wall, and I thought it summed everything up perfectly "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." This should be Anna's motto. We know God is giving her the strength to get through this, and the rest of us strength to get through this. 


Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. My family & I definitely appreciate it! 

Pour Your Heart Out: Make A Wish

I'm linking up at Shell's place today for Pour Your Heart Out; A blog carnival started to encourage us all to let out whatever has been on our minds and in our hearts lately.

The Make A Wish Foundation is an amazing, wonderful organization that allows children with cancer to fulfill a wish they might not otherwise be able to fulfill. They have done everything from building space ships to sending kids to Disney World, you name it they've probably done it. Anyway, they have been gracious enough to grant my sister a wish, which after all she's been through you have to admit she totally deserves it.

Now that she has finished her treatment (!!!!!), it is time for her to cash in her wish. Problem is, she doesn't exactly know what to wish for. (Who can blame her, that is a tough decision!) So one night at dinner last week, we were trying to decide what she should wish for. Concert tickets to some amazing show? Backstage passes to a music festival? Access to Fashion Week in New York? So many amazing choices, so little time to decide. It really is a once in a lifetime kind of thing, to wish for anything you want and to have it happen. It has to be something truly amazing.

Obviously we came up with a lot of great options and ideas for her to consider. However, as I looked at my sister, her favorite hat covering up her bald head, her beautiful face sans eyelashes and eyebrows; all the physical results of what she's been through the last few months, all I could think was I wish that she could wish that the cancer will never come back. That is my wish for her, because like I've said, I can't imagine my life without my sister.

This is new territory we we are entering into. Now that she is done with treatment, we are all obviously thrilled that this stage in our lives is over. But, like the saying goes, when one door closes, another opens. We may be done for now with hospital visits and chemotherapy and blood transfusions, but now we enter the waiting game. We wait. Wait for her to get re-scanned. Wait for the results. Wait to see if the cancer is gone for good. And that is scary. 

Last night, we celebrated. Family and friends gathered and cheered for Anna as she arrived home from her last chemo treatment. It was a beautiful celebration, and definitely a great thing to be celebrating, but we can't help but wonder if it's over. Sure, the last scans were great. No one expected the kind of progress she made. But what will happen when her body is no longer pumped up with all kinds of medicine killing the cancer? What happens now? The truth is, we don't know. So, although we are ready for celebration of no more hospitalization, no more chemo, we wait. We wait to see what happens next. And the possibility of this journey not being over is in the back of our minds, no matter how hard we try not to think about it. Last night, Anna said to me "I don't want everyone to celebrate and jinx it". My heart almost broke because I wish for her that she didn't have to carry that worry around with her. I wish that we could really and truly celebrate without the fear and worry of a relapse.

The story of Ellie Potvin has been weighing heavily on my heart lately, not only because her story is heart breaking, but also because it reminds me of my sister and her story. They have a similar type of cancer; both forms of sarcoma. Both young, both were diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. Ellie beat cancer the first time around. Then, she relapsed and his since passed away. This breaks my heart and terrifies me all at the same time. I do my best not to go over the "what if's" in my head constantly, but it is hard not to. It is nearly impossible when you hear a story like Ellie's not to think of my sister and her own battle with cancer. I know that every story is different. And for every story that does not have a happy ending, there is one that does.

I believe in the power of prayer, and Anna definitely has that working in her favor. So, for now I am just going to continue praying. Continue to celebrate the fact that she is done with treatment. Continue loving my sister like I always have. Continue thanking God for healing her thus far, and trust that he will continue to do so. Continue to ask you all to do the same. To go to her site, 1 Million Prayers, and pledge to pray. I believe in the happy ending for her, I do. But if I had one wish, I would still wish for the cancer to stay away, just to make sure. I wish we had that guarantee.

An Answer to Our Prayers

Today, my parents and my sister sat in the doctors office to hear what the most recent scans showed. Today, they got the best possible news. Today, they got an answer to our prayers and to so many others prayers. Today, the doctor told them "Your prayers have been answered.  The scans show the best possible results."  Today, a feeling of relief, of gratitude, of the power of prayer was felt by all of us.

My sister's tumor is no longer existent. The other spots that were previously seen on her back are no longer visible. This is what we have been wanting to hear since day 1. This is what we've been praying for. I have seen the power of prayer in others. I have seen what it does for them, for their families. Never before have I felt it myself in such a powerful way.

Ever since day 1, before we even knew for sure that it was cancer, I knew that there was a reason for this. I had to believe that. There was no way that we were going through all this for nothing. There was no way that all these people who were all praying for the same thing, for Anna to get better, there was no way their prayers were not heard. There was no way it was a lost cause. There was no way that Anna's strength and determination, even when she felt horrible and probably wanted to give up, was a lost cause. There's no way that my amazing sister was not going to kick cancer.

Today, we saw the power of prayer. We saw the power of determination, of strength. There could not have been better results from this test.

Of course this day is bitter sweet because our journey is far from over. My sister will still have to endure more chemotherapy, which has been making her feel so awful lately, and she will start radiation next week. Our journey, as much as we wish it was, is not over. We are not finished. We have not entirely beat cancer. But we are on our way. Our first, hard fought, battle is won. We showed cancer whose boss. We kicked cancer in the butt, and will continue to do that.

As I heard the news today, I cried. Except this time, I was crying mostly tears of joy. I flashed back to the first day I found out there may be something serious going on with my sister. I flashed back to those tears of fear, of the sense of hopelessness, and powerlessness. Today, I see that none of that is true. We were not hopeless nor powerless. We are strong, all of us. Not only our immediate family, but extended family and of course friends too. All of us believed, and we were shown it is good to believe.

I couldn't help but reflect on this journey so far when I heard the news. All the emotional roller coasters we've all been riding these last few months. I couldn't be happier that it seems to be all paying off. It has been one heck of a ride so far, and I know it is unfortunately far from over. There is nothing more that I want than the doctor to say "It's over. Go home, and continue your normal life." I want so badly for my sister to be able to be a "normal" teenager again, without the hospital stays and doctor visits, and the scans of her insides. Although this is not the case now, I know that someday soon it will be. We have to ride this roller coaster for a bit longer, but in the end it will be worth it.

However, I am choosing not to think about what the future holds or may hold. We don't know what's to come, what this stupid cancer has planned. However, for now our prayers have been answered and there is nothing more that I could want right now. I have complete faith that our prayers will continue to be answered. God is good.

Thank you to those of you who have been praying with us. Your support is amazing, and so appreciated. Please keep it up!

"God is our refuge and strength- a very present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

Too Close to Home...

Sometimes in life no matter the situation, some things just hit a little too close "to home". It happens unexpectedly usually; in every day conversation, in class, at the grocery store. You don't know it's coming and the person you're talking to probably doesn't realize either. This happened to me today, and it was definitely unexpected and it was way too close to home.

Today started out like any other day; class, lunch, socialize, class. In my video production class today, people presented their projects they had made about a societal issue. Most were slideshows with pictures and music. The topics ranged from hockey to domestic violence to anorexia. And then... one of the hardest things I've had to sit through. A girl got up and started speaking about how her friend had a very rare form of cancer and was diagnosed when they were juniors in high school. She lost her battle. The slideshow was a tribute to this friend, and a tribute to trying to find a cure for cancer. As these images of bald women flashed before my eyes, and the word cancer, and saying what if we could find a cure, I couldn't take it. All I could think of was my sister. My sister who is fighting this battle. My sister who I wish so badly wasn't fighting for her life. My sister for whom I wish there was a cure for cancer, or that it didn't exist.

As the words and images kept flashing on the screen, I felt like I was going to stop breathing. I had tears streaming down my face in class, in front of everyone. People who didn't know that this hit just too close to home.

Thankfully, there were people, my other sisters- my sorority sisters, who do know how close to home this video hit. People like my best friend who held my hand as I cried, and cried with me.

All day, every time it crossed my mind, I got tears in my eyes. There were just so many parts to it that made it hit too close to home. Rare cancer; junior in high school. It just all reminded me of my sister, and her fight.

The song that was playing didn't help my emotions either (Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne). It could not have been a more perfect song. The lyrics were so true to how I'm feeling, it was like I wrote them. Again, too close to home. "Keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through, Just stay strong, 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you. So far away, I wish you were here... We'll fight and defend" Truer words couldn't be spoken (or sung), and it just really felt too close to home.

I realized it sometimes only takes the smallest things to remind you. It just takes that one song, that one word, one phrase. Whatever it is, you never know when reminders are gonna pop up. You never know when that one thing will bring back all the emotions, will take your breath away for a moment because it is so real. Because this is happening to someone you love.

It's not to say that I ever have forgotten or ever will forget about this battle my sister is fighting. But as my mom put it some days are good and some days are bad. Some days it is just too much to handle emotionally. And some days some things just hit too close to home...

Under the surface...

Life is a funny thing in a lot of ways. There is always a surface to it, if you ask me. Like a door or something that covers up the realities in life. It's like when you meet a new family and they seem like the perfect, happy family but you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors (Hello, Tiger Woods). We all have our burdens, our crosses to bear, but most of us don't walk around with them tattooed on our forehead or on a t-shirt across our chest.

Coming home this weekend, I experienced some of this. My sister had a great weekend, she was feeling really good, she looked really good and she seemed, well... normal. Normal is a funny word, because what exactly is normal? Just because she still looks the same and acts mostly the same, the truth is she still has cancer. On the surface, she looks like the average sixteen year old, just going on about her daily life. But underneath the surface are the tell-tale signs of someone whose fighting an ugly disease. The scar from her surgery; The port her chemo goes into. And inside, her body is full of stupid cancer cells.

It's hard sometimes to look at her and think how normal she looks. It's almost like a trick. You know like the game you play when you're young "made you look, haha!" You almost let yourself forget because she seems fine, so she must be fine right? If only it were that simple...

This week will be one big wake up call for me as I have yet to witness my sister "looking" sick. She went in yesterday for her second round of treatment, and I'll be there for her this week, which I am glad about, but the side effects might not be pretty. More than likely, she's gonna be feeling crappy and this is the first time I'll have witnessed that. I know it's all just part of the process, but it just makes it all seem more real and a lot less "normal".

Sometimes I think it's better her than me, if anyone, and I mean that in a completely selfish way. I would take it away from her and have it be me in a second, but I don't know if I could do it. She is so strong, stronger than me I think sometimes, and that amazes me. One of my favorite sayings is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." So far throughout this journey, our strength is definitely being put to the test, but we are ready for the test. We don't have any choice but to be strong, so we are doing our best to be strong. Sometimes, though, it's hard.

Last night, visiting her at the hospital for the first time, was the first time it really started hitting me, she is sick. She has cancer, and it sucks. I guess just being in the hospital seeing her hooked up to those drugs it was kind of a wake up call, like this is real and I'm not gonna wake up and have it be over.

I hate all of this. Just being home not even a week I'm tired of hearing the word cancer. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of not knowing what's going to happen next. I hate that I am already learning my way around the hospital just as well as I know my way around my house. I hate being home & her not being here because she's at the hospital. I hate cancer.

And still, even with all of this, I still look at her and think she seems so normal. If only there was nothing under the surface and everything was back to normal...


*Note- The last 2 days with Anna being in the hospital have been rough, so I'm venting a little. Positive post coming soon! :) *

Maybe in Distance, but Not at Heart

One of my favorite sayings is "friends forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but not at heart." This is how I'm feeling in regards to my sister this week. I may be miles away, but in my heart I'm with her. It's hard being away right now but I'll be home soon enough, and be able to spend time with her. Even though I'm not there with her, she's always on my mind and in my heart.

I still can't quite wrap my head around this whole thing... the fact that my sister who was perfectly fine 3 weeks ago has cancer. It's unreal. It's like the world got turned upside down pretty much. It is a hard thing to comprehend, for sure. I think that being here at school and going on with my life as it always is is what is making it so hard to comprehend. Sure, hearing the updates from my parents and knowing what's going on makes it feel real, especially now that she's in the hospital, but for me life still feels normal. Sometimes it hits me randomly... when I actually sit down and think about the fact that my sister has cancer, it scares me. I'm scared of what's to come, of what's going to happen to her, of everything. I'm scared of going home for Christmas break and seeing her in the hospital, seeing her looking sick. I want my sister back without the cancer!

People keep asking me how I'm holding up. It's a funny thing to try to answer. I compare it to any other kind of bad news or set backs in life. You have ups and downs. There are days when I feel sad and wish this wasn't happening to her, times I feel scared of the future, times when I feel guilty for living my life like normal, and times when I'm happy, despite the fact that my sister is sick. I am holding up like normal, but with my sister in my thoughts and in my heart.

Yesterday, we got bad news that her cancer has spread to her bone marrow. This means that the fight is going to be tougher and possibly longer. They have ruled it Stage 4 cancer. Stage 4. Those words break my heart and scare me at the same time. I never wanted to have to hear the words stage 4 cancer in reference to my sister, and never thought I would. However, I am so thankful that it is something she can and will fight. I know that one day we will look back on this and think how much it sucked and how glad we are that it's all behind us and that it was totally and completely worth the time, energy and all around suckiness.

Of course we all wish that this wasn't happening, but it is and all we can do is kick cancer's butt!

So until I'm home next weekend, I'm keeping her in my heart because even though we're separated by distance, we're not separated at heart!

Thank you for all the support, thoughts and prayers. It really makes me feel so great when I am reminded of how many people are praying for my sister. All the e-mails, the twitter messages and the messages on her CaringBridge site bring tears to my eyes. It is overwhelming in a good way how much support and love we are getting! Thank you.

Worst Kind of News, pt. 2

When bad things happen, it's hard for me to put into words how I'm feeling. I don't know how to explain it, how to make it make sense. So, I write it down. Somehow I can't verbalize how I'm feeling, but I can write it down just fine.

So, today, not even a week from when this all started, when I received the worst kind of news, my first instinct was to blog about it. To share how I'm feeling. Because I don't really know how to talk to about it, but in writing it all comes together.

Today, my beautiful sister was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma.... bone cancer. That awful word I was so afraid of being used in the same sentence with my sister's name. It's now become a reality, and I hate it. We all hate it.

It's in the early stages, and it hasn't spread, which is great. But it's cancer... and cancer isn't fun. She has a rough road ahead of her, but she's going to be fine which is most important.

I wish that this wasn't happening, that I would wake up and realize this whole thing has just been one really horrible dream. I hate this for her, and for my family. I'd give anything to have it be me and not her. I'd give anything to take this all away and have life go back to normal.

I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the next few days, weeks, and months and what's to come. I can't even imagine how she's feeling; probably the same way, but worse. I'm scared for her. I wish that my life wasn't going on as normal, that I wasn't going back to school in a few days while her life is changing so much. I can't even imagine not being here to support her through what's to come, but at the same time I can't imagine seeing her sick. It scares me me to think of her like that. I don't want my sister to be sick, not this kind of sick.

I keep feeling like she is sick, but with the flu or something. That in a few days this will all blow over and everything will change. And then I remember that that's not the case at all. That things are going to be very different for all of us for the next few months while she's getting better. It sucks. There's no easy way to say it. It sucks that this is happening, and I just want it to be over, for her to be better already, to fast forward through the next few months. 

I know that the important thing is that she will get better. She can fight this. She is so strong both mentally and physically. She'll get through this, and for that I am so grateful.

The support we have gotten has been amazing. Family, firends, and even strangers are praying and thinking of us during this difficult time. I know that there is a reason all of this is happening. This is a blessing in disguise. It's bringing us all closer to God, it's putting everything in perspective for us, and it is bringing us closer together as a family. I wish that it didn't have to happen this way, but it is happening, and I am grateful that some good is coming out of something so horrible.

So tonight, on Thanksgiving Eve (well technically it's Thanksgiving already), I am thankful for the blessings we have received. I'm thankful for having my sister in my life and having such a great family. I'm thankful for the amazing support from all of you blog friends and twitter friends, from our family and friends, and from people we don't even know.

Anna... I'm so glad that you are my sister. We can get through this together! I'm always here for you, and I will be with you every step of the way, fighting with you. I'm so proud of you for the way you're handling all of this. I know it's not easy, but you can and will do it! I love you so much <3

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

A Caring Bridge site has been set up for her, so if you would like to stay updated feel free to keep up there.

Worst Kind of News

I hate blogging under negative circumstances. I would much rather write funny, witty posts, anything but this type of post. But something is weighing on my mind heavily, and I can't not share.

My younger sister has been having hip pain for quite awhile, so they finally went to get it checked out this week. After a few tests and stuff, they found a mass on her hip which they think might be a tumor. They found this out this afternoon, and by tonight my sister was already at the hospital having a biopsy. After the biopsy, the doctors are optimistic... they intitally thought it was a very agressive form of cancer and have since changed their minds, but aren't really sure what it is. It's going to take a few days to know for sure.

I am honestly kind of speechless. My emotions have been all over the place since finding this news out at 3:30 this afternoon. At first, I was in shock, I didn't know what to think, what to do, what to say. The more I thought about the more scared I was and I couldn't get that awful word cancer out of my head. That big, scary, mean, ugly word. My sister is only 16. She shouldn't have to be going through this. I am scared. I am terrified of what's going to happen to her. I don't want to have to think about life without my sister, my other half.

I immediately flash back to all those times we've argued, all those times we said I hate you to each other, even though we both knew we didn't mean it. We're sisters, we fight. That's inevitable, of coruse. But now? Now I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I had kept in touch with her better while being away at school. I wish that I didn't take tomorrow and next year and 20 years from now for granted. I wish I had cherished the time with her more.

Most of all, I wish I was there. The worst part of all of this is hearing her cry on the phone and telling me how she wished I was there, when I knew I couldn't be there. Logically, I know there's not much I could do there. She has a great support system even without me. But I feel awful for being so far away. I wish I could be there to support her, to tell her everything will be ok. And I will be soon enough. I'll be home in less than a week, and be able to tell her all those things. I'll be able to spend time with her, and I'm glad for that. As my dad put it, my job is to focus on school and studies, and their job is to focus on her.

It's hard for me to be here, with my life going on as normal, and have her there, with her life anything but normal. She's in the hospital, and I'm still here, still doing the same things I was yesterday. I feel guilty for laughing, for having fun. My friends invited me to go out with them tonight... I feel guilty if I go out and have fun. Of course she'll always be on my mind, but I just feel guilty that she is the one suffering and I'm not. Everything else just seems so unimportant now. Like all my worries or needs seem so trivial and stupid. 

I really believe that everything will be okay. I know whatever happens, she will make it through. She is stubborn and will fight if she has to. I pray that this is just all a big scare, and that everything will turn out fine. I know in my heart that she'll be okay, that 20 years from now is not something to take for granted because it will happen. It's just the "what if's" that scare as much as I try not to think like that.

Everyone has been so phenomenal, so supportive already. All of her friends and classmates have been adding me on facebook, and offering their thoughts and prayers. One of her classmates is hosting a rosary ceremony at the school tomorrow morning. Everyone is praying, and I can't thank them for that enough. Everyone on Twitter has been amazing, offering their prayers as well. Even people who don't personally know me or my sister are praying for her and for my family. That is amazing. Thank you. If you're curious, I'm updating on Twitter as much as possible, so you can keep up with what's going on there. Also, a CaringBridge page has been started for her, so updates can be seen there as well.

Anna... you're one of the strongest people I know. You'll get through whatever this is, which is hopefully nothing. I know everything will be okay. I'm always here for you and I'm so lucky that you're my sister.

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

My Heart is Heavy...

It is hard to put into words the relationships we have with one another as bloggers because it is truly unique. The fact is, most of us don't know each other in person. Most of us have never met. But all of that is irrelevant because day in and day out, we read each others inner thoughts & feelings. We are there for the funny stories & the pictures of kids & families. We connect to each other in a way that is really special. That is why when one of us is hurting, we are all hurting. We feel as though we know these families, as if they are our IRL friends. This is why blogging is so special; we as bloggers can get the word out there that someone is hurting, that someone needs our thoughts, our prayers, and our words. Today, more than ever, this bond we share is needed. There are people out there who need us more than ever. And because we aren't there to hold their hands, give them a shoulder to cry on or just talk, all we can do is send thoughts & prayers, and encourage others to do the same. So today, I am asking you, my bloggy friends who are so special to me, to please keep the following families in your thoughts & prayers today. The first family that needs us today is one many of you are probably familiar with. You may recognize this button:

People all over the world were praying for Stellan, this very sick little boy, before he was even born. He was not supposed to survive the pregnancy; he has a heart defect that causes him to be in SVT, which means his little heart beats way faster than it should, which could lead to heart failure. Today, Stellan is hospitalized & is quickly deteorating. Things are not looking good for him, which is why he needs our thoughts & prayers more than ever. Mckmama, Stellan's mom, is updating via her Twitter page, so check there for updates. The next family is the Riggs family.

This adorable little girl, Abby, has leukemia, so sadly she is used to being hospitalized. This time is different, though. Abby is in the hospital with a serious infection which could lead to serious organ failure or may already have. And finally: Phillip is Amy's son with a brain mass. He's had 19 brain operations, and even more orthopedic operations. He has been suffering through countless seizures and has even had at least one stroke. Currently, his meds to keep his pain under control and to prevent seizures are not helping, and it looks like he is going to need another brain operation. For updates, see his Caring Bridge Site or Amy's blog. I could go on and on about how much these families need, but I know you know. I wish there was something more I could do for them, but instead I am passing this information on to you all, hoping that you will think of them during these difficult times. It's times like these when so many people are hurting and dealing with life or death situations, that all else seems insignificant. I simply could not post about my vacation I'm returning from tonight or the fun times I've been having with these people who are struggling in the back of my mind. So today, I offer my blog post to these people and families with a heavy heart while I continue to hope & pray for better things to come for them.