That Inevitable Question

When you lose someone you love, there are certain situations you just don't want to deal with. There are the obvious ones like anniversaries of the day it happened, birthdays, holidays, etc. It is harder to face those moments without them, but at least you have some preparation. It's the moments you're not prepared for, that happen when you least expect it, that stop you dead in your tracks, that hurt the most.

Today, I had one of those moments. I was at an appointment and the lady was making an innocent attempt at making small talk. "What are you doing this weekend?" "What are you studying in school?" "How's the weather?" But then, then she asked the question. The inevitable question that was bound to get asked at some point, especially when making small talk. "Do you have any siblings?"

It has been a year and 2 months since Anna passed away. It is certainly not the first time I've been asked that. But for some reason, I can't recall it happening before. Perhaps I knew it was coming and had time to prepare. Perhaps it has never happened. I don't really know.

What I do know is that today that question caught me off guard. I paused for a moment and felt awkward for pausing before answering. It's normally a simple question that requires an automatic answer. I've been answering it my whole life with "Yes, I have a sister who's 3 years younger than me." But it's no longer that simple. It takes a decision; do I tell this well-meaning complete stranger who I met 5 minutes ago that my one and only sister fought a long and hard battle with cancer and unfortunately didn't survive? Do I simply say I had a sister and leave at that?

I didn't say either one of those things. What I did say? "No." And I immediately felt guilty. I have a sister. And not only do I have a sister, I have a pretty amazing one. She's the strongest, most beautiful inside and out, amazing person I know. I am proud to call myself her sister. So why did I answer no? Why would I deny that I have an amazing sister?

I told myself that it was easier. That I didn't want to explain my life story to a complete, well-meaning stranger. But why not? I have so much to tell. Especially because my sad story about losing my one and only sister has a happy twist. She left an amazing legacy. She touched an unmeasurable amount of people. And she has an amazing foundation started in her memory that is doing great things and touching more peoples lives in her memory. Why couldn't I tell her that?

The answer is, I don't know. Lots of reasons, I suppose. Because I hate that look of pity you get after you tell someone. Because when I have to answer that question unexpectedly, I can't dive into my immediate "speech" I have developed to tell the story without having to feel the emotions associated with it.  Because it is awkward telling a complete stranger the most personal, raw thing about you.

But none of that matters as much as carrying on her legacy. As much as honoring her memory. She will always, always be a part of my life. She is never far from my mind and always in my heart.  It is something I am going to have to deal with the rest of my life, and it may never get easier to tell someone that my sister is in heaven now and not with us on Earth, but I owe it to her and her memory to do it.

Miss you, beautiful angel. I will love you always.... 

PYHO: Seasonal Depression

The time has come. I was doubtful it would ever arrive after months and months of snow and bitterly cold temperatures, but spring seems to be officially here. I realize that for most people this is a great thing, a happy thing. But for me? It causes what I have self diagnosed as seasonal depression.

I know it seems crazy. Beautiful weather, beautiful plants, the ability to actually be outdoors and not freeze.. how does that cause depression?! Let me try to explain...

I have never been a skinny person; it's just not how I'm built. But lately I have gained a lot of weight. I have let myself get so far out of control I don't know how to get back. And most of all, I have been in denial. Winter was easy. Throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt and you don't really have to face what your body looks like under all those layers, so you can tell yourself that you look great. That you haven't gained that much weight. That no one can tell how fat you are.

And then comes Spring... which means short shorts, tank tops, mini skirts and teeny tiny dresses. This brings out all my insecurities and multiplies them by like 1000. Eventually, it is so hot outside that you really can't wear jeans anymore and be fine. Which means it is time for the inevitable but awful; it is time to bust out the shorts. Just the word makes me cringe; I have a hate/hate relationship with shorts. First of all, why do they have to be so short? I don't want shorts that barely pass my crotch because underneath that are my thunder thighs that I am not trying to show off to the world. Second, why is there nothing between the really short shorts and the bermuda shorts? And finally, why is it so hard to find shorts past size 8? Because fat people shouldn't wear shorts? Well then what do you suggest we wear during the spring/summer?!!

And that's just the shorts. Last weekend, when it was 90 outside and there was a frat party that night, I was faced with a whole new dilemma. What on earth do I wear to some random frat party when A) it's 90 outside even at night and B) this means all the other girls are wearing something itty bitty which is what girls are expected to wear in this weather? This seriously caused me so much stress I considered multiple times not going and I may have shed a tear or two. (Not the first time this has happened.) This requires not only digging out my warm weather clothes that are safely tucked away, but also trying things on and facing the sad reality that half of it doesn't fit anymore.

Also, warm weather clothes are not exactly forgiving like winter clothes. They don't cover up the tummy that has expanded to the point that I look 8 months pregnant. They don't hide the FUPA. They don't hide my thunder thighs that rub together when I wear a dress or a skirt. (Side note, yes, putting deodorant there helps. But do you know how self defeating it feels to rub deodorant on your thighs? It's not exactly a confidence booster.) They don't hide my flabby arms that have taken a life of their own to the point where I can't wear sleeveless tops without being so insecure I can't think about anything else except how big my arms must look. They are forcing to me to face all my imperfections and I can't handle.

So, while some people want to stay inside and never leave the house during winter, I prefer to stay inside when it's warm. I don't want to have put on that sleveless top that shows my enormous arms. I don't want to have to rub deodorant on my thighs before leaving the house. Most of all, I don't want to face my body. I want to put on my sweatpants and big sweatshirt and get under the covers and hide. Hide from myself and hide from reality. So, you enjoy your warm weather. I'll be here. Counting the days until it is winter again...

I am linking up at Things I Can't Say today for Pour Your Heart Out.

Under the surface...

Life is a funny thing in a lot of ways. There is always a surface to it, if you ask me. Like a door or something that covers up the realities in life. It's like when you meet a new family and they seem like the perfect, happy family but you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors (Hello, Tiger Woods). We all have our burdens, our crosses to bear, but most of us don't walk around with them tattooed on our forehead or on a t-shirt across our chest.

Coming home this weekend, I experienced some of this. My sister had a great weekend, she was feeling really good, she looked really good and she seemed, well... normal. Normal is a funny word, because what exactly is normal? Just because she still looks the same and acts mostly the same, the truth is she still has cancer. On the surface, she looks like the average sixteen year old, just going on about her daily life. But underneath the surface are the tell-tale signs of someone whose fighting an ugly disease. The scar from her surgery; The port her chemo goes into. And inside, her body is full of stupid cancer cells.

It's hard sometimes to look at her and think how normal she looks. It's almost like a trick. You know like the game you play when you're young "made you look, haha!" You almost let yourself forget because she seems fine, so she must be fine right? If only it were that simple...

This week will be one big wake up call for me as I have yet to witness my sister "looking" sick. She went in yesterday for her second round of treatment, and I'll be there for her this week, which I am glad about, but the side effects might not be pretty. More than likely, she's gonna be feeling crappy and this is the first time I'll have witnessed that. I know it's all just part of the process, but it just makes it all seem more real and a lot less "normal".

Sometimes I think it's better her than me, if anyone, and I mean that in a completely selfish way. I would take it away from her and have it be me in a second, but I don't know if I could do it. She is so strong, stronger than me I think sometimes, and that amazes me. One of my favorite sayings is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." So far throughout this journey, our strength is definitely being put to the test, but we are ready for the test. We don't have any choice but to be strong, so we are doing our best to be strong. Sometimes, though, it's hard.

Last night, visiting her at the hospital for the first time, was the first time it really started hitting me, she is sick. She has cancer, and it sucks. I guess just being in the hospital seeing her hooked up to those drugs it was kind of a wake up call, like this is real and I'm not gonna wake up and have it be over.

I hate all of this. Just being home not even a week I'm tired of hearing the word cancer. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of not knowing what's going to happen next. I hate that I am already learning my way around the hospital just as well as I know my way around my house. I hate being home & her not being here because she's at the hospital. I hate cancer.

And still, even with all of this, I still look at her and think she seems so normal. If only there was nothing under the surface and everything was back to normal...


*Note- The last 2 days with Anna being in the hospital have been rough, so I'm venting a little. Positive post coming soon! :) *

Optimism and Positivism

Last year as an ice breaker game as new members of our sorority, we played the name game. Basically, you give yourself an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name and add that to your name. When I chose Positive Patrice as mine, everyone had a good laugh. I didn't understand why that was so funny but everyone who knew me found it to be pretty ironic. Apparently I wasn't as positive as I thought. After that I tried to be more aware of how I was thinking and I made an effort to be more positive.

Looking back on the story it now seems kind of ironic because by everyone laughing at me implying that I'm positive it made me strive to be more positive so that it wouldn't be so funny. In a way, it's a good thing I subconsciously started working on my optimism because now I need my optimism more than ever. With my sister fighting cancer, optimism has never played such a strong role in my life before. But now? I strive everyday to stay positive for her and for me. I make an effort to push any negative thoughts/feelings about this sucky situation out of my head. And this is so important to not just me, but to all of us. Everyone around her has to stay so positive for her.

Through out this whole thing I've been continuously amazed at Anna's strength and her continued positive attitude. There really are few things in life that test your optimism and ability to stay strong and positive as much as cancer. Cancer is is awful. It's ugly. It's stupid. It's all around horrible. But it can be beat and that's what's most important.

So when I heard yesterday she was feeling down, I was concerned. When I texted her to see what's up it turns out a stupid doctor told her she's dieing. That the chemo won't work and even if it does it will most likely come back within 2 years and kill her. This is by far the worst thing you could possibly say to someone who just began a LONG road to fight for their life. She is NOT dieing. There IS hope. There IS a good chance that she'll beat this. And when she's finished kicking cancer's butt, we'll move on to that doctor who so stupidly told her she's dieing. He later clarified that he was just explaining all possible worst-case scenarios, and that they do feel strongly that she can beat this and they are giving her the best treatment in order for her to get better, but what's done is done.

Optimism isn't always easy. It's a struggle all the time to not let the negative thoughts affect you. Sometimes you take blows to your positive attitude and optimism that seem harder to bounce back from. To tell someone they're going to die is hard for them to recover from. Regardless of whether or not it's true, it's not something you take lightly. It is not something you can move on and forget no matter how many times people tell you it's untrue. This breaks my heart that someone said those words to my sister. She is strong. She CAN and WILL fight this, but not if you knock her down before she even gets a chance to get anywhere near the finish line.

As much as I hate this, and hate that she was so upset and distraught over hearing that, I can't say I blame her. I don't blame her at all for being scared, for feeling defeated by having someone tell her she's going to die. Even though he took it back, it was already out there and it already got into her head. And you know what? That is scary. How could I blame her for being scared when I'm scared too? Of course I'm scared, we are all scared. I'm terrified. I will always stay strong for her, and when she needs a pep talk I will always be there. But when I'm laying in bed, alone with my thoughts, optimism sometimes escapes me. I think of life without my sister and I feel sick to my stomach. I feel so incomplete it's inconceivable.

I have faith. I know that she will beat this. I know I won't ever have to know what life is like without my sister, because she will be fine. She'll show that doctor who's boss! She is strong. She can and will do this. We just all have to hang on to our faith, and keep working on that optimism..

 (Face-in-holed by my cousin, picniked by me)
I love you, Anna.... stay strong! We're in this together! <3

Maybe in Distance, but Not at Heart

One of my favorite sayings is "friends forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but not at heart." This is how I'm feeling in regards to my sister this week. I may be miles away, but in my heart I'm with her. It's hard being away right now but I'll be home soon enough, and be able to spend time with her. Even though I'm not there with her, she's always on my mind and in my heart.

I still can't quite wrap my head around this whole thing... the fact that my sister who was perfectly fine 3 weeks ago has cancer. It's unreal. It's like the world got turned upside down pretty much. It is a hard thing to comprehend, for sure. I think that being here at school and going on with my life as it always is is what is making it so hard to comprehend. Sure, hearing the updates from my parents and knowing what's going on makes it feel real, especially now that she's in the hospital, but for me life still feels normal. Sometimes it hits me randomly... when I actually sit down and think about the fact that my sister has cancer, it scares me. I'm scared of what's to come, of what's going to happen to her, of everything. I'm scared of going home for Christmas break and seeing her in the hospital, seeing her looking sick. I want my sister back without the cancer!

People keep asking me how I'm holding up. It's a funny thing to try to answer. I compare it to any other kind of bad news or set backs in life. You have ups and downs. There are days when I feel sad and wish this wasn't happening to her, times I feel scared of the future, times when I feel guilty for living my life like normal, and times when I'm happy, despite the fact that my sister is sick. I am holding up like normal, but with my sister in my thoughts and in my heart.

Yesterday, we got bad news that her cancer has spread to her bone marrow. This means that the fight is going to be tougher and possibly longer. They have ruled it Stage 4 cancer. Stage 4. Those words break my heart and scare me at the same time. I never wanted to have to hear the words stage 4 cancer in reference to my sister, and never thought I would. However, I am so thankful that it is something she can and will fight. I know that one day we will look back on this and think how much it sucked and how glad we are that it's all behind us and that it was totally and completely worth the time, energy and all around suckiness.

Of course we all wish that this wasn't happening, but it is and all we can do is kick cancer's butt!

So until I'm home next weekend, I'm keeping her in my heart because even though we're separated by distance, we're not separated at heart!

Thank you for all the support, thoughts and prayers. It really makes me feel so great when I am reminded of how many people are praying for my sister. All the e-mails, the twitter messages and the messages on her CaringBridge site bring tears to my eyes. It is overwhelming in a good way how much support and love we are getting! Thank you.

Worst Kind of News, pt. 2

When bad things happen, it's hard for me to put into words how I'm feeling. I don't know how to explain it, how to make it make sense. So, I write it down. Somehow I can't verbalize how I'm feeling, but I can write it down just fine.

So, today, not even a week from when this all started, when I received the worst kind of news, my first instinct was to blog about it. To share how I'm feeling. Because I don't really know how to talk to about it, but in writing it all comes together.

Today, my beautiful sister was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma.... bone cancer. That awful word I was so afraid of being used in the same sentence with my sister's name. It's now become a reality, and I hate it. We all hate it.

It's in the early stages, and it hasn't spread, which is great. But it's cancer... and cancer isn't fun. She has a rough road ahead of her, but she's going to be fine which is most important.

I wish that this wasn't happening, that I would wake up and realize this whole thing has just been one really horrible dream. I hate this for her, and for my family. I'd give anything to have it be me and not her. I'd give anything to take this all away and have life go back to normal.

I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the next few days, weeks, and months and what's to come. I can't even imagine how she's feeling; probably the same way, but worse. I'm scared for her. I wish that my life wasn't going on as normal, that I wasn't going back to school in a few days while her life is changing so much. I can't even imagine not being here to support her through what's to come, but at the same time I can't imagine seeing her sick. It scares me me to think of her like that. I don't want my sister to be sick, not this kind of sick.

I keep feeling like she is sick, but with the flu or something. That in a few days this will all blow over and everything will change. And then I remember that that's not the case at all. That things are going to be very different for all of us for the next few months while she's getting better. It sucks. There's no easy way to say it. It sucks that this is happening, and I just want it to be over, for her to be better already, to fast forward through the next few months. 

I know that the important thing is that she will get better. She can fight this. She is so strong both mentally and physically. She'll get through this, and for that I am so grateful.

The support we have gotten has been amazing. Family, firends, and even strangers are praying and thinking of us during this difficult time. I know that there is a reason all of this is happening. This is a blessing in disguise. It's bringing us all closer to God, it's putting everything in perspective for us, and it is bringing us closer together as a family. I wish that it didn't have to happen this way, but it is happening, and I am grateful that some good is coming out of something so horrible.

So tonight, on Thanksgiving Eve (well technically it's Thanksgiving already), I am thankful for the blessings we have received. I'm thankful for having my sister in my life and having such a great family. I'm thankful for the amazing support from all of you blog friends and twitter friends, from our family and friends, and from people we don't even know.

Anna... I'm so glad that you are my sister. We can get through this together! I'm always here for you, and I will be with you every step of the way, fighting with you. I'm so proud of you for the way you're handling all of this. I know it's not easy, but you can and will do it! I love you so much <3

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

A Caring Bridge site has been set up for her, so if you would like to stay updated feel free to keep up there.

Worst Kind of News

I hate blogging under negative circumstances. I would much rather write funny, witty posts, anything but this type of post. But something is weighing on my mind heavily, and I can't not share.

My younger sister has been having hip pain for quite awhile, so they finally went to get it checked out this week. After a few tests and stuff, they found a mass on her hip which they think might be a tumor. They found this out this afternoon, and by tonight my sister was already at the hospital having a biopsy. After the biopsy, the doctors are optimistic... they intitally thought it was a very agressive form of cancer and have since changed their minds, but aren't really sure what it is. It's going to take a few days to know for sure.

I am honestly kind of speechless. My emotions have been all over the place since finding this news out at 3:30 this afternoon. At first, I was in shock, I didn't know what to think, what to do, what to say. The more I thought about the more scared I was and I couldn't get that awful word cancer out of my head. That big, scary, mean, ugly word. My sister is only 16. She shouldn't have to be going through this. I am scared. I am terrified of what's going to happen to her. I don't want to have to think about life without my sister, my other half.

I immediately flash back to all those times we've argued, all those times we said I hate you to each other, even though we both knew we didn't mean it. We're sisters, we fight. That's inevitable, of coruse. But now? Now I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I had kept in touch with her better while being away at school. I wish that I didn't take tomorrow and next year and 20 years from now for granted. I wish I had cherished the time with her more.

Most of all, I wish I was there. The worst part of all of this is hearing her cry on the phone and telling me how she wished I was there, when I knew I couldn't be there. Logically, I know there's not much I could do there. She has a great support system even without me. But I feel awful for being so far away. I wish I could be there to support her, to tell her everything will be ok. And I will be soon enough. I'll be home in less than a week, and be able to tell her all those things. I'll be able to spend time with her, and I'm glad for that. As my dad put it, my job is to focus on school and studies, and their job is to focus on her.

It's hard for me to be here, with my life going on as normal, and have her there, with her life anything but normal. She's in the hospital, and I'm still here, still doing the same things I was yesterday. I feel guilty for laughing, for having fun. My friends invited me to go out with them tonight... I feel guilty if I go out and have fun. Of course she'll always be on my mind, but I just feel guilty that she is the one suffering and I'm not. Everything else just seems so unimportant now. Like all my worries or needs seem so trivial and stupid. 

I really believe that everything will be okay. I know whatever happens, she will make it through. She is stubborn and will fight if she has to. I pray that this is just all a big scare, and that everything will turn out fine. I know in my heart that she'll be okay, that 20 years from now is not something to take for granted because it will happen. It's just the "what if's" that scare as much as I try not to think like that.

Everyone has been so phenomenal, so supportive already. All of her friends and classmates have been adding me on facebook, and offering their thoughts and prayers. One of her classmates is hosting a rosary ceremony at the school tomorrow morning. Everyone is praying, and I can't thank them for that enough. Everyone on Twitter has been amazing, offering their prayers as well. Even people who don't personally know me or my sister are praying for her and for my family. That is amazing. Thank you. If you're curious, I'm updating on Twitter as much as possible, so you can keep up with what's going on there. Also, a CaringBridge page has been started for her, so updates can be seen there as well.

Anna... you're one of the strongest people I know. You'll get through whatever this is, which is hopefully nothing. I know everything will be okay. I'm always here for you and I'm so lucky that you're my sister.

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

No Place Like Home!

First of all I know I haven't posted in forever. This is terrible! I am going to make myself get back to blogging. I just haven't been able to get out of my own head, convincing myself all my posts suck! Anyway, I hate for my first post in over a month to be such a downer, but what better place to vent than my blog!?

When I made the choice to go to school 10 hours away from home, I was okay with it because I knew I made the right decision about where to go to school and I was right. I got lucky and felt really at home here right away, so I rarely get homesick. This felt like my new home. Plus, I'm lucky enough that my family is able to come visit me a lot, so it's not like I never see them. so far this semester, I've seen my mom twice, my sister once and my dad will be here in a couple weeks!

But, sometimes that homesick feeling creeps up on me. This weekend is fall break. Granted, it's not that big of a deal; we get one day off from classes, but since most people are from close by pretty much everyone is going home. And it's times like these, when the sorority house is empty and not many people are around to hang out with, that I wish I could go home for a weekend. It's not that I can't, but I have to plan way ahead to do that; order plane tickets, find a ride, schedule the bus, etc. It's not like I can just hop into the car, and be home in a couple hours. And sometimes, that sucks.

Right now, I'm just feeling a little lonely and would love to curl up on the couch at home and have my mom spoil me, and for some reason that's making me sad. It doesn't help that my plans for this weekend apparently fell through and no one notified me (another story for another time).

It's not the end of the world, clearly, but I miss my house and my family and I am a little jealous of all the people who can hop in their car and drive home for a weekend. I'm lucky that I have a second family here, though, with my sorority sisters, and I know I'll get through the weekend just fine. Every once in awhile I just miss home... like Dorothy said "There's no place like home!"

A Personal Ad

So in case you didn't know I am single, really really single as in the only males I ever talk to are someone elses boyfriend, guys that may or may not be gay, and guys that I could never see as anything more than platonic. So, in light of all this I have decided to take out a personal ad on my blog. I know what you're thinking... lame, and who meets anyone on the internet?! But it's not what you think...

My personal ad I'm taking out here on my blog is NOT for a guy. No it is not for a girl either... well at least not in a romantic way. I am taking out an ad for some single friends. I need other single girls to hang out when everyone else is with their boyfriends. It's pretty annoying when you're just looking for some company and everyone is occupied with boys. What ever happened to quality girl time? What ever happened to "F**k guys, I just wanna dance!" (That's a Dane Cook reference in case you didn't catch it!)

So, I'm seeking a college age, preferably straight just so there's no confusion, female, any size any color whatever. The only qualification is that you are completely single! And you want to hang out... I need some quality girl time. And no, listening to you talk about your boyfriend and how great he is or how great the sex is doesn't count! It would help if we could hang out IRL but, you know, blog friends/ twitter friends are welcome too!

So if you think you fit the description, let me know! You'd think that in a house full of 69 girls I could probably find some single friends, but all my good friends seem to have been taken by the relationship bug and suddenly don't have time for anything else anymore. Which is the reason for this ad! Do you need a personal ad for something, too?! Speak your peace and those of us in need can unite!!

23 Days: A Year Later

A year ago, I wrote this post entitled 23 days about how close I was to making that final step in the transition from high school to college, and how scary that is. Now, a year later, I am back at that mile stone; the 23 days mark. (actually, a little bit past that, but work with me, people!) The overwhelming feeling, although I have many others too, is I can't believe I'm back here already! I remember writing that post so well. I remember those feelings of being unsure of what the future will hold for me. I remember being scared of those friendships that I had at the time, and what would happen to them? And now, a year later, it feels weird. In my post last year, I mentioned a get-together with students & alumns from Dallas that go to William Woods. Yesterday, I was back there again, only this time I was the one with the answers, with the advice for those new students feeling probably a lot like I did a year ago. That is weird. It definitely went by fast; it feels like yesterday I was writing this post about school ending. I remember that feeling of sadness the whole week before school let out. I remember wondering how I would ever survive the summer without my friends! Those friendships I was once so scared of losing have been lost, but replaced with better ones. I am lucky to be going back to a place I love and to people I love, even though I am leaving behind other people I love as well. Part of me is sad. I have had a great summer & have been blessed to be able to spend a lot of time with my family & strengthen those bonds. I'm going to miss them a lot, but I know I'll see them soon. Part of me is also scared. There is a lot at stake this semester... to be honest my grades weren't great at the end of the year. So non-great in fact, that if they aren't great or at least better this year, I'm basically screwed. Which is scary, of course. I want to believe I can do it, I'm capable of so much more than what I have done so far, but it's hard not to play the "what if" game. What if I can't do it? What if I try, and fail? Also, going back brings out some insecurities. Will they still like me?! Will they think know I got fatter? And, the hardest part for me is the back & forth. I like my comfort zones, & I don't like leaving them! But, I am doing my best not to focus on that, and instead focus on the things I am excited for, the things I have missed. My friends and sorority sisters, of course. Shower parties! Meeting and befriending new people. Partying (not too much of course!), and lots more. I know that it won't take hardly any time at all for me to feel comfortable again, and it will be like we never left! I have said it before, and I'll say it again! I am so lucky to be at a place I love & to have found friends I love. This is the most important thing, because above all else, I love where I go to school & I really love my friends & sorority sisters, so I know going back to school will be great despite all the insecurities & worries & whatever else! I just can't believe it's already been a year!

R.I.P.

With so many celebrity deaths lately, death has kind of been on everyone's mind. But while the world was mourning Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson & Billy Mays, I was mourning my own personal loss... my first car!! Yes, that's right, my poor car is no longer with us. I mentioned my accident here, and it turns out the damage was just too much to repair, so it is no longer my car. At first I wasn't sentimental about this, I mean it's just a car, and I'll get a new one eventually. But then, I realized this was my first car, and the only car I have ever owned! We've been through a lot together, both good and bad. There were accidents (yes, plural. It took me awhile to get the hang of the whole driving thing), speeding tickets (Blah!), and lots of memories! This is my first picture with my car:The story behind how I got my car is pretty special. My 17th birthday (my parents made me wait a year to get my license... lame!), my parents surprised me by parking the car on the driveway & then coming up with some lame excuse to get us to go outside! I was super surprised & super excited! As you can see, it came with a bow on it & everything! So, while it is sad to say goodbye, I will always remember my 1st car! And I am looking forward to getting a new car to make new memories in! I'm thinking about this for my next car, what do you think!? I think it has just the right amount of "bling bling", don't you!? ;)

Am I Really That Bad?

So the end of the year is approaching quickly, and what would the end of the year be without preparing for next year? That's what's been going on here at the sorority house lately. We've been practicing for recruitment (when we try to get new members to come in the fall), we've been figuring out all the details for next year like whose coming back, whose not, etc, and my favorite (not!)... who is going to live with whom? This has been the main topic here for the last couple weeks, it's on everyone's mind. I try not to let little things like this stress me out, and I tend to have an attitude towards the future like it's just that; it's the future, so why deal with it now? However, it is kind of hard not to think about my future living arrangements when people are constantly discussing it. My roommate this year & I have gotten along great. Granted, we don't have a whole lot in common; she's a graphic design major, I'm a journalism major, she's really into art, I suck at art, I go out all the time on the weekends, she went out for the first time this weekend in probably over a month... & the big one... I'm a mess & she's really clean. This has been our only issue pretty much (except in the beginning of the year when I would keep turning down the air so the A/C would turn on & make the white noise noise I love, & I ended up making our room like 50 degrees)! Because I'm such a mess & my roommate is so clean... I just assumed that she wouldn't want to live with me anymore. I feel like I drive her crazy with my messiness, but she's so sweet & easy going that she just didn't want to say anything. I don't know that she actually feels this way, it could just be my insecurities talking, but it's how I feel regardless. Anyway, one of my good friends (we'll call her friend 1) decided we should room together. I thought about it, and I had my apprehensions, but I agreed. I talked to my roommate to make sure she wasn't going to be stuck without a roommate (or at least a roommate she actually wants to live with), and she had some people in mind as well, so I figured everything was good. Then, friend 1 decided that she didn't want to live together anymore because there is a theory going around the house that if you live with someone you are close friends with, it will ruin your friendship. Fine. Whatever. Was I dissapointed she changed her mind? Well, yeah. I was looking forward to rooming with her, but I understand that she was looking out for our friendship & I am glad that she values our friendship enough to not want to do anything to jeopardize it. So, I figured I had 2 options: my current roommate & one of my other good friends (we'll call her friend 2) who didn't have a roommate yet. I talked to friend 2, and she said she didn't see any problems living together. I agreed, and we said we would think about it before we set anything in stone. I told my roommate my other friend decided not to live together anymore, and told her I had discussed living with friend 2, and maybe she should live with friend 2's current roommate. Roomie agreed, or so I thought... Little did I know that right after friend 1 told me she didn't want to live together, she and several other people were planning who everyone was going to live with... and it turns out that my roomie & friend 1 have decided to live together, and no one told me! I found out from my best friend who is in charge of all this room picking crap. The thing that makes me upset is that I was with friend 1 all night tonight until I got home, at which point I discussed the fact that friend 1 no longer wanted to room together with my roomie. Neither one of them said anything to me... my feelings are kind of hurt. To top it off, with the exception of friend 2 (& my best friend who has decided to live with a new member next year), the only people left without roommates are people who 1.) I would never live with, and 2.)There's a reason why they don't have roommates yet. I don't mean to be rude because they are my sisters, so I love them. However, they are both really awkward, and don't really connect with anyone in the house... that's putting it nicely, honestly. I may be being dramatic, but I can't help feeling "Am I really that bad?!?" I know I'm a mess, but really? I'm one of the rejects! This just adds to my insecurities about not having friends even more. I don't even want to get into that because this post is already so long. Honestly, it's just hard to feel like no one wants me, even if it is because they don't want to effect our friendship.

From the Brain to the Blog... Is it Really That Hard?

For some reason this process has been especially difficult for me lately. In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been blogging a lot lately. It's been like 2 weeks since my last post, and it was like 2 weeks since the post before that. It's not from a lack of inspiration; I keep a list on my phone of all the topics I come up with to blog about, and currently that list has 15 ideas on it (counting this one). They are all good ideas, too, if I do say so myself! I would like to blame it on time, but really, I'm on the computer all the time so it really wouldn't be that hard to write a single post. The problem, for some reason, is getting the thoughts in my head into a coherent post. Often times, I get inspired to write blog posts at like 3 AM or some other crazy time where I should be sleeping. (Clearly this includes tonight since it's now 3 AM & I am blogging). Instead of getting up at 3 AM (usually I'm trying to fall asleep, I'm not asleep or anything when I get inspired), I write down the idea, and go back to bed. Well, clearly that is not good enough for me, because the post never happens. I read my list of topics almost daily, believe it or not, and am constantly adding new ideas. However, if it's not at that moment that I am inspired to write the post, I just don't feel like writing it anymore. I love writing, and I love blogging, there's no doubt about that. In my last writer's block post, I talked about this a little; I have been second guessing myself lately when it comes to my blog. Am I making sense? Am I just blabbing randomly? Will anyone care about this? Do I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself? These are just a few of the questions that go through my head when writing a post, and usually I usually determine, that no, I am not making sense, and no, no one cares! So then I just save the post as a draft and think I'll get back to that later... then never do. Part of it, I think, is that I am afraid to write about certain topics because of who might read it. After I got a really nice anonymous comment on my dear ass hole post from someone who thinks they know who I am writing about & they know this person, I became aware of just how public my blog is. I do, after all, link to it on my facebook, so it wouldn't be hard for someone from school to find the link & read it, & possibly know who I am talking about. I know that I am in control of what links are posted, and I am in control of how I let the fact that anyone could read what I'm writing effect me & my writing, but it is one of the reasons I am sometimes apprehensive to publish posts. I don't really have a point... I don't think. It is 3 AM & I'm really tired & I'm losing my train of thought. However, I'm not going to second guess myself. I'm going to publish this post, and hopefully another one tomorrow, and get back on the blogging program instead of going two weeks without posting!

Reason # 10000 Why Boys Suck!

Today I was reminded of why I hate this whole girl/guy I like you, do you like me, lets date, lets not whole mess... you know what I'm talking about!? Lately I have started to feel like I am finally over my ex. We can talk and it's not awkward, we laugh at each other's jokes; we are friends, finally I think. So, in the spirit of moving on, I asked a guy if he wanted to watch a movie tonight with me. I don't even know if I have feelings for him or anything, but he expressed his feelings to me a couple times already, and I decided I should give him a chance. Well, his response to watching a movie with me? "Maybe." Um... k? Way to be vague! I'm so glad I put myself out there and asked you to do something when you're the one telling me you like me, and I never hear from you! It's not a big deal, I'm not gonna be crushed or anything if we don't hang out, but it just reminded me of why I hate dealing with boys. They tell you they like you, but they never make a freakin effort to talk to you! I understand being shy, but it's not that hard to text someone... especially if someone asked you to hang out, you said maybe and you said you would let me know. Then I don't hear from you all day. What is that about!? I also wait how boys can turn you into something so pathetic! The one thing I hated about being with my ex was waiting around for him to text me. I would wake up in the morning and wonder when he would text me, or why he hasn't yet. It's stupid! I don't need to live my life around someone else's schedule! Also apparently when guys say one thing when they're drunk they may or may not mean it when their sober (i.e. I like you a lot). I hate that. Basically right now I just hate boys.

Comfort Zones

I am a strong believer that everyone has a comfort zone. You know that place where you just feel so right and nothing could change that!? Well I am one of those people that hates to be taken out of my comfort zone. I like comfort, I like the feeling it has, I like feeling like I belong somewhere. I am such a fan of my comfort zone that I don't even like vacations really, because I'm not sleeping in my own bed and I'm in a strange place, etc. Well this break from school has just reinforced all this for me... except I now have 2 comfort zones and it's hard/weird to go back and forth between the two. School was and has been my comfort zone since I started there. I feel comfortable there, and I feel like its my home away from home. So at first when I came to my real home, it was weird. I didn't feel home, I felt like I was visiting a familiar place but I didn't really feel home anymore. Then as time went on I got more and more comfortable and this became my home again. Now, just as I started to feel comfortable again and like I belong, I have to leave my comfort zone again and go back to school. Sure I'm excited to see my friends. Yes, I've missed them. Sure, it will be nice and I know it will go back to being my comfort zone again soon. But it's still kind of sad, and scary. This break has been so long I kind of got used to being home again. Now I have to go back, and it's like going to school for the 1st time all over again, only less scary. Sure, there are definite perks: no curfew, no one bugging you about things like where your going, what your doing, who your with, etc. But still... I'll miss my friends here, and of course I'll miss my family. I wish I had spent more time with them. It's sad because I don't know for sure when I'll be back, it might be the summer which is in 6 months. I know school will be great, I love where I go to school and I have no doubt that it will take no time to once again become my comfort zone, but it is still not fun to leave your comfort zone.

Not Me Monday! (2nd Edition)

Yay! I'm back for another week of Not Me Monday over at MckMama's place! So, here are the things I did not do this week! I did not stay up until almost 4 in the morning last night chatting with friends even though I had my 1st final at 9 AM this morning... not me! I did not show up to my final this morning only to remember we have 2 other chances to take the exam later in the week, and once I remembered that I definitely did not leave my exam! I did not have a little too much to drink Saturday night, and wake up sick Sunday... of course not, I am not 21, so I did not drink at all! I did not panic when my debit card was declined when I tried to buy pizza yesterday... and I did not realize it was declined because I spent almost all my money on fast food and had hardly any left. I did not let myself get upset Saturday night after seeing my ex for the 1st time in awhile, and it did not bother me that we still didn't say hi to each other even though we agreed we would from now on... I don't care! I did not shave my legs for the 1st time in 2 weeks this weekend... I would never go that long without shaving! I did not go out of my way to bring one of my guy friends (who happens to be one of my ex's frat brothers) advil since he claimed no one in the frat house had any & he needed his fever to go down, and I did not find out afterward when talking to some of his brothers that several of them had advil afterall. I did not have to clean off my un-made bed before sleeping in it last night, and I did not have to remove beer caps from my bed... I also did not sleep on top of the mattress without a sheet because the sheet wouldn't stay on the bed. Nope... didn't happen! I did not party every night this weekend starting Thursday, except for Sunday, and I do not plan to party every night this week... I will be studying 24/7 of course! I also did not spend hours posting 100's of pictures on facebook of these said parties... that would be crazy! I did not wait until the last minute to write my speech that is due at 1:00 PM today... and I did not "take a break" from it to write this! I did not almost not write this post because only an hour after MckMama posted, there were already over 100 people on the Mr. Linky!

Not Me Monday!

This is my 1st time participating in MckMama's Not Me Monday! I'm so excited! If you haven't checked out her blog, you definitely need to.. she has an amazing story and 4 amazingly cute kiddo's! So anyway here are some of the things I did not do lately: I did not spend almost the entire day in bed on Monday after the unfortunate event, and I did not skip my classes so I could sulk and feel sorry for myself. Not me, that would be stupid! I also did not let my friends talk me into going out with them that night... to his fraternity house. I also did not have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry once I got there and someone informed me they didn't know where my boyfriend was, and I had to inform them he was no longer my boyfriend... not me. I also did not let my same friend talk me into going over there again the next day... where I did not have an awkward run-in with him. Nope. I did not start talking to this guy again this weekend... not me, that would be a bad idea. I also did not tell him to leave me alone only 2 days after we started talking because he was creeping me out hardcore. (There will not be more on this later, since this did not happen) I did not pay $30 at the airport this weekend for a book and a magazine... that's crazy! I did not eat like there was no tomorrow all weekend, not just Thanksgiving... I would never do that! I did not spend Friday night with friends drinking at my house... I would never do that in my house! I also did not steal borrow a few alcoholic drinks from my parents, not me! I did not break down and cry tonight when I got back to my room because of the incident... not me, I'm over it already. I did not sign up for NaBloPoMo and then ditch it 2 days later... not me! I did not stay up until 4 in the morning tonight enjoying the reunion with my friends and then writing this post even though I have class at 9 AM... that would just be stupid! So, hope you enjoyed reading about what I haven't been up to... sorry for the lack of posts this week, I'll update you guys soon on what's been going on.

Sad Day

Just in time for the holiday season, sad news :( My boyfriend and I broke up last night... he broke up with me. He was nice about it, and he didn't want to have to end things... but he has a lot going on and needs to get his life together before he can be in a relationship. I understand, I do, but it hurts... a lot. I wish there was a way that he could get his life together and still keep me in his life as his girlfriend, but it doesn't look like there is a way for that to work right now. I am so lucky to be surrounded by amazing friends, who all took care of me last night. I know this is the best thing right now, and I'm really glad that he cares about me enough not to drag me on when he doesn't feel like he can be 100% committed to this relationship. He has a lot going on in his life, and he felt like our relationship was possibly just another way for him to escape. I know he needs to get his life together, and we both said that it's possible there is a future, but for now he has to figure some stuff out. I just can't stop blaming myself... I know it's not my fault, it's no one's fault really, but I feel like there is more I could've done, I should've been there for him more... there are just so many regrets. If there is such a thing as a good time to break up, I guess that now is a good time because I'm leaving tomorrow to go home for thanksgiving, so we'll get a break from each other and we'll be able to think about things. It sucks. There's really no other way to say it. It really sucks. I miss him. I wish it didn't have to be like this. The worst part is, I had no idea. I did not see this coming at all, and that sucks even more. I know I'll be okay, and eventually when I'm ready I'll be his friend because he needs friends in his life right now, and maybe someday, when the timing is right, we can be together. Who knows what the future holds... all I know is I need to stop focusing on the past, and focus on the positive things. It's just gonna be a really hard couple of days...

Me vs. You

Why is it that we can't just be happy with what we have, and we always have to compare it to everyone else? There will always be something that's not good enough if we constantly compare ourselves to other people: Someone will always be skinnier than me... that's just the way it is. But then there are the few that aren't. Someone will always have more money than I do... Someone will always be happier than I am... Someone will always be something that I am not or just more so than I am. Why is it that we do this to ourselves? Why can't I be grateful for what I am and for what I do have without comparing it to other people? There is usually nothing good that comes from this... it usually only leads to feeling inadequate.. at least in my case. I may not ever measure up to other people... but I am me, and I should be happy with that. Easier said than done, obviously, but it's really starting to make me crazy! I am setting myself up for disappointment by comparing myself to everyone else. The truth is my friends boyfriend might say sweet things that mine doesn't.. but that doesn't mean that my boyfriend and I aren't happy! The truth is half my friends will probably always be skinnier than me, and it sucks, but I am who I am! It's such a waste of time to compare ourselves to everyone else... we are all our own person and that's the way it should be. So why can't we just love ourselves and what we have without worrying about other people!?

One Week

Today I was thinking about how much changes in a week. It's really amazing if you sit down and think about what you were doing this time last week and how different it is from today. For instance, This time last week, I was torn between 2 guys. Now I am not even a little bit second guessing my decision! This time last week, I was celebrating because my now-boyfriend asked me to go on a date the following night (the date on which he would ask me to be his girlfriend!) This time last week, I was assuming our student newspaper, which I'm the managing editor of, was going to publish. This week, apparently it's not going to publish all semester. This time last week, I was worried about the upcoming weekend not being fun since everyone was going home. This week, I am so looking forward to the weekend when I can see my boyfriend! And... This time next week it will be 1 day until my 19th birthday!! How excited am I?!?! So excited! So, if you think about it, it's amazing what a difference a week makes.. I just had to share! Feel free to join in if you want! P.s. Anyone have a cute idea for a couples costume?!? I need one kinda fast!