1.10.08

How Much is too Much?

ok so the general concencus on this was to post it... so I'm going out of my comfort zone and hoping no one I know IRL actually reads this! Well actually just the person this is about.. but whatever! So I've said before that I pride myself on being a good friend. I go above and beyond, and I know that sometimes I do too much, but I really do enjoy it. I think. But sometimes it can be discouraging, and it can start to feel like you're doing all of this for nothing, and what are you getting in return. This is the situation I'm in now. There's this boy. (That's how it always starts right?!) He may or may not have been mentioned on here before..) Well this is how it went... we started talking, I liked him, thought maybe he liked me, then he made it perfectly clear he's just not that into me, and wants to be friends. Of course, because I'm every one's friend, right? Perfect. So I gave it some time, and didn't talk to him for awhile. Then I decided we should be friends because I like him as a person and although part of me wants to be more than friends, I am willing to sacrifice my feelings to at least get to hang out with him and talk to him, because I enjoy that. Well, so far every time we've hung out it's been me helping him write papers for school. Which is fine, I like helping people, and I'm happy to do it since I happen to be a decent writer and it's a talent most people don't share. In his defense, he works 5 days out of the week and absurd hours, like overnight, then goes to classes during the day and sleeps when/if he can. So, although we're only hanging out when we're working on his papers, it's kind of the only time he has to hang out, so it's like killing 2 birds with 1 stone. However, I have to wonder. How much is too much? I have been going more than out of my way to help him. So out of my way that I slept over in his dorm room in order to help him with his paper, make sure he woke up to finish, etc. I wake him up for class in the mornings, I help him with his papers, I help him with basically whatever I can. I feel like I'm part nanny, part mom and part girlfriend. Except I'm none of those. I enjoy his company. I enjoy hanging out with him. But people are concerned... my friends say I'm going to get hurt. I know he doesn't like me like that, and I guess I accept that. But if I'm being completely honest, a part of me wants more. I kind of feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal... like he gets my help basically whenever he needs/wants it, and there's no strings attached. Yes, I like hanging out with him. But I don't want to only hang out because he needs help. I don't know whenever I think/talk about it I just end up going in circles. I don't want to stop hanging out with him. I know he needs help, and for whatever reason I feel responsible to help him. But I'm afraid I'm gonna get hurt. I already got hurt by him once, after the whole I don't like you speech, but I got over it, and I decided to be friends because I really enjoy his company and talking to him. I guess I'm just wondering how much is too much? How much can I do without really getting anything in return other than a thank you and maybe a hug? It's not like I want sex. I don't. I don't want it to sound like that. I don't know what I want... I'm confused, and I'm scared of getting hurt. I don't know what to do. I know it's not going to turn out the way I want to... I can't make him want to be with me if he doesn't.

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16 comments:

Jen E @ mommablogsalot said...

Your frustration is totally warranted. From what I'm reading you are helping him in a very girlfriend way. I'm guessing you don't do stuff like that for everyone you know, otherwise you'd be, um, dead. And you need to put your own feelings and self first.

I think it's easy to become focused in certain areas and devote more of your time to something than is really necessary - it's like a wacky side effect of bad time management or something, I don't know, but I'm majorly guilty of it.

And at the end of the day - you owe this boy nothing. Is he doing favors for you? At all? I think it might help you to walk away for a day, a week, whatever it takes to clear your head of the situation and evaluate and maybe see how he does without you - sure he might miss your help, but it might be rewarding for both of you to see that at the end of the day, he'll be fine either way.

Because you aren't his girlfriend, which would be the only real reason that the time apart should truly profoundly affect him. Now I'm not saying he has done anything wrong, or that you shouldn't be his friend, just that it seems like your priorities have become skewed where he's concerned and I'm betting some time apart would help.

Leslie said...

I'm so sorry. That's never a good feeling is it? I have been in that same spot. And it sucks. But I agree with jen in her comment above. You need to pull yourself out of this. Right away. You are giving too much of yourself right now. And I think you are setting yourself up to get hurt. I wish it were easier. It's not. But since he has made his feelings clear, you should not be doing as much as you are. Friends, fine. But what you are doing, and the things you are giving, go way beyond simple friendship. I'm not saying to stop being his friend. But you have to act like it, and stop hoping that he will change his mind.

I hope that didn't come out too harsh. I don't mean it in a mean way. Just offering my advice, my two cents if you will. (((hugs)))

Dawn said...

Well, I second everything Jen wrote! I think some time apart from him would do you some good.
I personally think all you are doing is too much.

I know how it goes to want more from someone, but to try and be content with just being friends, and it isn't always a pleasant situation. I am so sorry you are in that place right now. I wish we had a magic wand, but since we don't, I suggest trying really hard to get yourself out of the spot you are in. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't be his friend, but it does mean that you probably should set some boundaries in your friendship.

Joy said...

He's using you as a doormat. Sorry, I'm a blunt person. You shouldn't be having to wake a grown man every morning and making sure his shirt is tucked in and his homework is done. That's a mommy's job. You're not his mom.

Find yourself a GOOD man who can stand on his own without you. Then you'll know he wants to be with you for you, not what you can give him.

Jen said...

This is just my opinion and I hope I don't come off as sounding preachy or condescending, but I think that what you are doing is not good. I agree with everyone else. You really need to pull back. Have you ever heard of the rubber band theory. The basic idea is that guys are like rubber bands. When you are clingy or pull at them, they pull further away from you. When you let go, they bounce back. I think this even goes for guy friends.

The other thing that I thought of when I read this is that by focusing all your attention on this guy, you are closing yourself off from others. It is like you are telling the universe that you are content with this situation and don't need another boy to come into your life. You deserve better than that. You deserve to find someone who is willing to love you in the same way as you love him. In order to find that person, you are going to have to open yourself up to the possibility.

Good luck! I know it will be hard, but I think you know in your heart what the best choice is for you.

Tabbie:) said...

I think you are an incredibly giving person. And definately, hands down a good friend.
But...(I know you totally knew that was coming right)...

I think you enjoy his company because you like him. Because he has made his feelings clear...my vote is not friendship at all.

I will tell you why I vote that way...I did the same thing with a guy...spent years of my life being "friends" all along wanting more...in the end it hurt more than anything else...and I wasted SO much of my time in the process. Time I could NOT get back.

I vote no more time wasted for you. Find a girl friend to hang with they are much safer and you will not run the risk of "falling" for them.

I wish you luck. Know that you absolutely do no owe him anything and if you do choose to walk away and he pulls this I miss you I thought we were friends stuff, resist...sure he will miss you, you have been amazing to him and he has had to offer nothing in return...unless he wants to be your boyfriend you feel he is someone you want to date...I vote no relationship at all...for your sake.

Good luck sweet girl, don't be too sweet!! You are going to make someone very happy one day when the time is right.

I believe God has created someone just for you and in the mean time, focus on you and what you want out of life!!

Julie said...

The most telling comment in your blog is that you don't even get a thank you from him. Regardless of what you want out of the relationship, at this stage of the game he has said you are friends. When friends help one another out, there should always be a thank you! That said, I was totally guilty of doing similar things in college when I liked a guy. And college is hard because your universe is the campus and you have more unstructured free time on your hands so getting overly involved with one person is simple.

Best of luck in this :)

Mamasphere said...

To start, this guy doesn't sound like a bad guy. He was honest with you, and he's just taking what you are offerring.

Therein lies the problem. It will always be in the back of your head that if you do this or that, you will break through and get him to like you in return, and then all your devotion will have been worth it.

Been there, done that, and wish I could have every second of my time back. Such a waste.

When you like someone, I don't think you can be just friends with them. The feelings cloud your judgement. I agree with moving on. If he really appreciates you as a friend, he'll make time to hang out with you other than you helping him write his papers.

Honey Mommy said...

I think everyone has given you great advice here. I have totally been there Patrice! There were guys that I liked, and they totally knew it. I also knew they didn't like me... and I wasted a lot of time with guys like that. Not that they are bad guys, but I wish I had spent more time with people who would give back as much as I did (whether it's friendships or whatever).

Good luck sweetheart!

The Blissfully Happy Housewife said...

I hate to break it to you sweetie, but I think he's using you. You are a strong and confident woman...let him see that side of you. Don't be a doormat.

I say this all with kindness in my heart...please know that.

Marketing Gurl said...

Patrice, You are so talented, I see it in the passion you put into your blog. I think this guy is using you, and even if you were a girlfriend this goes too far. Like you said, you already feel like his mom and you aren't even a girl friend. Toss this one back in for someone else to fetch. There are better one's out there for you...Lots of Love, MG Ps. I really like nerdy boys...try one if you haven't yet...they are reliable and sweet, and are very cute.

Marketing Gurl said...

Ps. Nerds do their own hw.

Heidi Zawisza said...

You definitely might get hurt here....tread carefully!!
Btw...thanks for entering my giveaway!! good Luck! One would look cute in a dorm room or apartment don't ya think??

HappyHourSue said...

Take it from us with years of experience: even though you enjoy his company, it sounds like the real reason you're doing this is the tiny hope that maybe he'll grow to be interested. I did that for my 4 years in college: dated a few others, but always carried a torch for this one guy - and took notes for him, and helped him with his papers.

You deserve better. You deserve someone who's into you right off the bat- who's chasing YOU.

Strangely, this same guy, 2 years after college, mentioned to a mutual friend that he might be interested in me now. Thankfully, I had matured enough and gained enough self-respect that i told the friend "Not in this lifetime."

So my advice is: walk away. You're too sweet and you deserve better.

Jenny said...

sorry...but this boy sounds like he is up to no good! i think he knows how sweet and nice you are and that you did like him. so in turn he is going to use this to his advantage. which is totally wrong and very hurtful.
if you still want to be friends with him, i would totally confront him about it and tell him how you feel. that you want to be his friend but you are not going to be at his beck and call helping him function through college. he needs to treat you like a friend and not his mom.
hope you find an easy resolution to all this.

Tabbie:) said...

Okay dear...I am seriously wondering what you are thinking after all this wonderful advice. How are you in all this?

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