What is my deal

What's my deal lately? I just can't seem to shake this feeling of being sad... 

I don't know why, and it really makes me feel like such a baby. I just cant shake the feeling that I don't have friends here, or that I don't fit in. I don't know how to describe it, really. It's just that I feel like everyone likes each other better than they like me. Like there's always someone else they would rather be talking to when they're talking to me, or hanging out with when they're with me. It really makes me feel like I'm in middle school, but I can't help how I feel. 
I have always been a really insecure person; I have body image issues, and I don't always have the best choice in friends (although, ironically this friend & I have severed our differences, and she has been the one whose been there for me lately, and me for her, and I really think the distance made our friendship stronger, but that's another post for another day). I never feel like people like me. I don't know why. I guess I want so badly to fit in that I am paranoid, I really don't know... 
But I just feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick, like I really like everyone here, and they just tolerate me. It really makes me sad, because I want these people to be my best friends. And it could just be me over reacting, but I feel like I'm always the one seeking them out, and asking them to do stuff, inviting myself to hang out w/ them, and I don't want to have to do those things. Why doesn't anyone seek me out? 
I don't know if I'm being stupid, maybe. But either way, my feelings are hurt and I'm sad. Again

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Top 5 Tuesday

Wow this is a lot of linkage! It's gonna take me a long time to read everyone's posts... 

Just a side message is anyone else getting double posts in google reader?!? Is it because of this follower thing on blogger? Just curious.. 
Anyway Dana @ Supernanny Where Are You is hosting another edition of Top 5 Tuesday, and this week its like Q & A style, and it's all about blogging! 
The Questions: 1) How long have you been blogging?
A few months, I started at the beginning of the summer to chronicle the change into college! t 2) Date/link to your first blog post
This is my 1st post about why I blog!  3) What is the one driving force that actually made you create that blog account?
Well I've really always wanted to start a blog, and I would google random stuff and end up on blogs, and I was fascinated, I would spend hours reading them! Then I tried to start a blog last summer, but never actually posted on it and then I decided this summer it would be the perfect time to start blogging!  4) How did you come up with your blog name and what were other names you considered?
I don't really know. I mean obviously it's a song but its not really my favorite song or anything. I just wanted a name to sum up the place I'm at in my life, and what's more perfect than Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman?! My other blog that I started last summer, but never wrote on was called Beautifully Broken, which is an Ashlee Simpson song. So I guess I like naming blogs after songs ?!  5) Post a link to your favorite blog post ever.
Oh my gosh, this is so hard!!! Hmm... I don't know a lot of the posts I really like are like really personal and sums up exactly what was on my mind at the time. Like this one and this post was supposed to be my best one if it came out the way I had it in my head, but I was having one of those days where words weren't flowing lol. According to Google Analytics, my dinner party post is the most popular, and then after that its mostly my guest posts, wow I feel cool... so I guess I'm gonna go with my words of wisdom post I wrote right before I left. 
Ok, so now I have to go because I lied and said I wasn't going out tonight, but it's the 1st night of the Fraternity rushes & its supposed to be a ton of fun! So I must go shower now...
But don't forget to go over to Dana's site & link up if you wanna play! 

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No Good, Very Bad, Terrible Day (Well not that bad)

I hate complaining. I know its one of the perks of having a blog is that when you do have a bad day, you can blog about it and even get some love from bloggy friends! But I just feel so negative and I don't like making big deals out of little things, but today I just really need to get it out... So I've been pretty positive about college so far, and it has been going well. I occasionally feel down, but again, not making big deals out of nothing, so mostly it's been good. But lately, I just feel like its going down hill, and today I had my 1st meltdown. I've never been the best student. I hate homework, I'm ADD so it's super hard to focus, and I run away from a challenge. I recognize all of this, but I'm not good at fixing it. Anyway, I've been doing my best to keep up with everything and I'm determined to do well. Well today, I felt like maybe that wasn't possible. It all started with my 1st class, Algebra. We took a quiz last Friday, our 1st one, and I didn't make a great grade on it. I know, it happens, and there were things I could've done to do better (like the homework which was optional and I opted out), but I thought I knew the material since it was stuff I learned in like 8th grade. I guess I was wrong. Then my next class was English, and it's basically all about writing at a college level. So we looked at all these complex sentences and had to practice putting them together. I think I'm a decent writer, I mean I won a scholarship based on my essay, and I'm a freaking Journalism major, so you'd think I would be able to write. Well, apparently not. I could not to save my life, write one of those stupid sentences and I dread that class! It makes me feel like I can't write a freaking paper to save my life. ugh. Then to put the stupid cherry on the freaking sundae, next I had connections. It's a stupid class. It's for freshman to learn about studying, and about the school and everything. I mean, we have work, but it's pathetically easy. Well because I'm just so smart, I totally spaced and I didn't do my homework for the class. And it wasn't the 1st time I forgot to do homework for this class. And the thing is, I should have a 100 with no problem in that class. But because I'm an idiot, I have a freaking 50 yeah, and that was before I forgot the second assignment today. I know its an easy mistake, and now I've learned I have to be on top of things, but I felt like crap. I felt like the biggest failure, and I started crying and couldn't stop. I just felt so discouraged, and like I couldn't do this whole college thing after all. And I can't write a freaking English essay, so how am I supposed to be a journalism major? I've been struggling with writing my articles for the paper, too, and I'm the freaking editor. Basically, I suck. I know I don't actually suck, but it's how I feel. I just wanted to throw in the towel and go home, I was so discouraged! On top of that, lately I've been feeling like I don't have friends. I know it's normal to feel this way, but I just started to feel like no one in my sorority house liked me, and everyone is like best friends with their roommate, and while I have absolutely nothing against my roommate, we are just really different, and aren't best friends, and don't hang out that much. Plus, the two people I knew going into the house already knew each other before, so I felt really left out of that bond, and just felt really lonely. So today, it just all hit me at once, and I was really upset. I am better now, I guess, but I really needed to vent. On the bright side, my mom and my sister are coming to visit me this weekend, and I couldn't be more excited! Also, my dad is over-nighting me a brand new computer!!! Mine broke, and I couldn't connect to the Internet and no one could figure out what was wrong with it, so we gave up and now this is all mine! Also, last night we had chapter (our weekly sorority meeting), and after chapter there is a committee that works with you about academics and stuff. Anyway, if they want to talk you, it can be good or bad, and if you get called down for a good reason you get to sign the wall (we have lyres- [our symbol] painted on the wall, and that's what you sign). So anyway, they called me down to congratulate me on being the editor of the paper, and I got to sign the wall the very 1st time!! So, enough complaining. Thanks for letting me vent! Now I'm off to report on my progress for Looking Fine by 2009.

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