I mentioned that this weekend was a little dramatic. I have struggled with how exactly to post about this without it being a word-for-word recap and a really long story. So I'm gonna do my best.. I have mentioned my struggles with friendships before. Well, this weekend just confirmed what I already knew, but didn't want to admit... that I really am alone. People who I cared about (and still do, whether I like it or not) proved to me they don't care about me. And as much as I knew that, it still sucks. There's really no other way to put it... it sucks. These people, especially one in particular who I considered "my best friend", have been my friends for 3 years. I mentioned before I was the basketball manager my last 2 yrs of high school, and this allowed me to form amazing bonds with girls on the team.. or so I thought. I am the type of person that always wants to please. I put others needs before mine. I always pay for things, because it makes people happy; I offer to drive everywhere and use my gas, just so other people don't have to. I really go above and beyond for people in my life, because I care. And all I want is for them to care, too. I'm no therapist, but if I had to guess I would say it all boils down to my insecurities. I am insecure with myself, and as a result, I do whatever I can to get people to "like" me. Everyone in my life knows this person isn't good for me, even her own boyfriend has expressed his realization that she "doesn't appreciate me." And I know it's true. I have known for 3 years that she didn't care about me the way I did her. I always had the feeling that our friendship was based on what I can do for her, and her need for me. She always denied it, and I wanted so badly to believe her. Deep down, I knew. I'm not stupid. I just wanted to believe the best, not the worst. I made all kinds of excuses for her- she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents (they are crazy), she doesn't know how to be a good friend, she doesn't know how to have a functional relationship. At the end of the day, though, I was the one crying, not her. I knew... but it still sucks. It sucked to sit on the stairs in my own house this weekend, after a night of arguing with her because of her lack of respect for me, and listen to her talk about me behind my back and say some of the rudest, most hurtful things. And coming from someone who I care so much about, it hurt more than words can say. I am not dwelling. I am going to college in 2 weeks. I don't have to talk to her, or the other 2 friends I was with who were also horrible to me, but it hurts. And this is never how I envisioned spending the last 2 weeks before college.... I am hurt and I am upset. And I don't know what to do... I want to talk to her and find out if she meant the things that she said. But what is the point? For 3 years it has been constant up and down and it's never going to change. I will be ok. I know that. I will make new friends. I know that, too. But for now... it sucks.
7 comments:
i totally get it. been there done that. too many times.
i wish i had wise words friend. but i don't. you know the truth and that is what counts. plus a whole new world is about to open up for you...
hang in there and know that we have all been there.
ps - thanks for the tag! i just saw it. sorry i have been lazy :)
I can completely relate - I was just the same in high school especially - always the one to drive, pay for, and basically bend over backwards for - they call it "doormat" haha
And it sucks that someone obviously caring and sweet and kind as you are gets such a short end of the stick, but then I think maybe that's common too, and the important thing is you realize it's happening. Now is the time to decide is the friendship really, honestly worth salvaging or maybe it's time to cut your losses, at least for the time being.
College is amazing but it's also stressful and a lot of work - bringing in outside pre-existing drama can make that even harder - you'll have a lot of new things to adjust to but also you will make a lot of new friends and do new things and will likely have little time for the home drama you are currently dealing with.
You'll be fine - we both know it - but you're right, it does suck - no use trying to pretend it doesn't. But hey - 2 weeks, my friend - that's huge!!
::hugs:: I'm glad you finally posted this and I have honestly no idea you were worried about people's reactions to this - I think a lot of us have felt this way and can probably relate - we all want people to like us, sometimes more than it's worth.
yes, you will make more friends. it sounds like your friends now are more self-absorbed and that can be difficult when you are a pleaser. i would find a good/nice/honest way to talk to them about how they hurt you and give them the opportunity to make it right...i know i'd appreciate that if i'd hurt a friend of mine without realizing. they may react well...they may not, but at least you know you made a respectful effort.
keep us updated!
Sorry you're having such a hard time. Sometimes I think it can be one of those "rites of passage" things - I know that i now have less friends than when I was at school, but they are all friends I can really count on.
That doesn't help when you are going through it - but you sound like you are a good friend to others, and as you go though your life, that will pay off. I bet when you are 30 you will have a fantastic set of friends who you really care about, and who really care about you - because you are putting in the groundwork now!
The Broken man
http://theblogofabrokenman.blogspot.com/
This may sound cliched, but it will get better. You live and learn. Sadly, I think many of us have been through something like this. And there's nothing else you can really say except that it sucks. It sucks to be the giver and do-gooder who gets walked all over and hurt in the end. But you will come out ahead in the long run. You will grow and you will change (not in bad ways, you'll just get a little wiser - I just turned 33 and am finally starting to get a little "selfish", and even that is kind of a joke!). You are about to embark on a whole new journey. Embrace it, and people will embrace you!
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this...I have been there too and it does really really stink!
I will be praying for you and thinking of ya :)
Hi, I tagged you for a seven fact meme. Play if you want. No pressure:)
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