PYHO: Seasonal Depression

The time has come. I was doubtful it would ever arrive after months and months of snow and bitterly cold temperatures, but spring seems to be officially here. I realize that for most people this is a great thing, a happy thing. But for me? It causes what I have self diagnosed as seasonal depression.

I know it seems crazy. Beautiful weather, beautiful plants, the ability to actually be outdoors and not freeze.. how does that cause depression?! Let me try to explain...

I have never been a skinny person; it's just not how I'm built. But lately I have gained a lot of weight. I have let myself get so far out of control I don't know how to get back. And most of all, I have been in denial. Winter was easy. Throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt and you don't really have to face what your body looks like under all those layers, so you can tell yourself that you look great. That you haven't gained that much weight. That no one can tell how fat you are.

And then comes Spring... which means short shorts, tank tops, mini skirts and teeny tiny dresses. This brings out all my insecurities and multiplies them by like 1000. Eventually, it is so hot outside that you really can't wear jeans anymore and be fine. Which means it is time for the inevitable but awful; it is time to bust out the shorts. Just the word makes me cringe; I have a hate/hate relationship with shorts. First of all, why do they have to be so short? I don't want shorts that barely pass my crotch because underneath that are my thunder thighs that I am not trying to show off to the world. Second, why is there nothing between the really short shorts and the bermuda shorts? And finally, why is it so hard to find shorts past size 8? Because fat people shouldn't wear shorts? Well then what do you suggest we wear during the spring/summer?!!

And that's just the shorts. Last weekend, when it was 90 outside and there was a frat party that night, I was faced with a whole new dilemma. What on earth do I wear to some random frat party when A) it's 90 outside even at night and B) this means all the other girls are wearing something itty bitty which is what girls are expected to wear in this weather? This seriously caused me so much stress I considered multiple times not going and I may have shed a tear or two. (Not the first time this has happened.) This requires not only digging out my warm weather clothes that are safely tucked away, but also trying things on and facing the sad reality that half of it doesn't fit anymore.

Also, warm weather clothes are not exactly forgiving like winter clothes. They don't cover up the tummy that has expanded to the point that I look 8 months pregnant. They don't hide the FUPA. They don't hide my thunder thighs that rub together when I wear a dress or a skirt. (Side note, yes, putting deodorant there helps. But do you know how self defeating it feels to rub deodorant on your thighs? It's not exactly a confidence booster.) They don't hide my flabby arms that have taken a life of their own to the point where I can't wear sleeveless tops without being so insecure I can't think about anything else except how big my arms must look. They are forcing to me to face all my imperfections and I can't handle.

So, while some people want to stay inside and never leave the house during winter, I prefer to stay inside when it's warm. I don't want to have put on that sleveless top that shows my enormous arms. I don't want to have to rub deodorant on my thighs before leaving the house. Most of all, I don't want to face my body. I want to put on my sweatpants and big sweatshirt and get under the covers and hide. Hide from myself and hide from reality. So, you enjoy your warm weather. I'll be here. Counting the days until it is winter again...

I am linking up at Things I Can't Say today for Pour Your Heart Out.

Back to Normal

Pour your heart out could not fall on a better day this week. I really need to pour my heart out.

This has been a week. One of those weeks that feels like it should be over by now because I'm over it. Where do I even start?

My sister went into the hospital over the weekend because she was in so much pain she could barely walk. So they needed to give her pain meds through an IV, and figure out a new pain management plan and a new chemo plan and all that. So basically they've been in the hospital all week (which I realize is not that long since it's only Wednesday but like I said, feels like forever ago because this has been a long week) meeting with doctors and stuff.

This weekend is Mom's weekend at my sorority. It is a super fun weekend where everyone's moms come up, we do a brunch and an auction and just get to spend quality time with our moms. Last year, my mom couldn't come because Anna was in the middle of chemo and everything and the timing just wasn't right. I missed her a lot, but a super sweet mom of a friend "adopted" me for the weekend so I wouldn't be alone. Which was great, but not like having my mom here.

This year, Anna was supposed to off chemo this week and the timing was perfect for my mom to come for the weekend. I've been looking forward to this forever. I know I just saw her a couple weeks ago for Spring Break and I went home a few weeks before that, so it's not like it's been forever since I've seen her but this weekend is special, and no matter how many times I go home it's not the same as having my mom here. Here to see all my friends. To meet the ones she hasn't yet (like my little sis) and to spend alone time with just me. When I'm home, usually there's a lot going on like Anna's not feeling well or something and we just don't get to spend much time just the two of us. That's what I was looking forward to the most this weekend.

Turns out, it's not happening. Again. On Monday, when my mom said they would be in the hospital a few more days my heart dropped because I just knew this would happen. On the weekend that belonged to me. It was my turn to spend quality time with my mom. "You're still gonna come, right?" I asked her Monday even though I had a feeling it was wishful thinking. All week, I battled this sadness that was overcoming me and tried to stay positive. "It might still work out," I told myself. "I know she's gonna try her hardest to come." "It's just a day to day thing, we don't know what's going to happen."

Today, I couldn't do it anymore. I tried calling her all day and when I got a text saying they were moving rooms at the hospital, I knew they weren't leaving the hospital anytime soon. I knew my plans for the weekend were ruined. I couldn't help it; I lost it. And once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was (and am) upset. Upset that my mom wasn't coming. Upset that my sister was in the hospital. Upset that I couldn't get a hold of my mom when I wanted. Upset that nothing was the way it should be. This isn't how life is supposed to be. There's not supposed to be hospital stays and unknowns and dammit, if my mom wants to come up for a weekend she should be able to.

I just want things to go back to normal. I want to live a normal life where we never see my sister because she's 17 and is always with her friends. (I don't mean the never see her part offensively but 17 year olds typically aren't home much) A normal life that doesn't involve hospitals. A normal life that doesn't involve cancer. And I know I'm not alone in wishing this, I'm just throwing myself a pity party because I was so excited to spend time with my mom, and I'm tired of being disappointed.

Maybe I'm being selfish by being upset. Because I'm not the one in the hospital and I'm not the one with cancer. My life is really not that bad compared to fighting cancer. I realize that. But it sucks when you're looking forward to something so much and then it doesn't happen. I don't blame my sister for being sick or taking attention away from me. I don't blame my mom for staying with her. I'm just upset at the situation, and every time someone says "I can't wait to see my mom this weekend," I want to burst into tears right then and there.

I also feel bad being upset because I don't want to make my mom upset. She has enough to deal with and I don't want her to worry about me too. I wouldn't even tell her why I was upset when she called today because I don't want to be a burden. But I am sad. Because there is nothing that can replace spending a weekend just the two of us...

On the bright side (I feel like I need to put a positive spin on this so it doesn't sound like poor, poor me. I have such a hard life), I get to go home for Easter, which will be nice. And there is a chance my godmother will be here to take my mom's place which would make me so happy. So it's not all bad, but no matter what I will miss my mom a lot this weekend.

So, for now, I am sulking. And self medicating with chocolate. And pouring my heart out. For now.

 I am linking up at Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out.

Hard Times

I haven't even been home for a week, and already it's hard. For many reasons, in real life home is never quite the glamorized version I have in my head. It's not as fun as I imagine, it's not as happy, it's not a lot of things.

I used to know what to expect when coming home. It used to be always pretty much the same. But for the past year, it's been different. Now when I come home, I don't know what to expect, don't know what it will be like. I don't know how my sister will be feeling, I don't know if she'll be home or in the hospital, I don't know a lot of things. In a lot of ways, this is hard because I like to know things ahead of time. I like being prepared.

Since I've been home, I have been struggling. Struggling with balancing my feelings with everyone elses, struggling with where I fit in when I'm home, struggling to feel happy. And that sucks. When I'm home, I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my time with them because I know when I'm gone I'll miss them. But it's not always easy. It's especially hard lately because my sister has been really sick and that requires a lot of attention from everyone else. My mom's main priority is taking care of her (as it should be), and even though I am ashamed to admit it, a lot of times it leaves me feeling left in the dust.

I am 21 years old, and I can clearly take care of myself. I don't need or require 24/7 attention from my parents, but sometimes you still like a reminder that people are happy to see you. That they are happy you're home. That they care about you just as much as your sister even though her needs come before yours. Logically, I know all of this is true. And I am mad at myself for thinking otherwise. But my emotional side gets the best of me, my feelings get hurt and I become someone I'm not proud of. I am angry, withdrawn, and sad. And most of all, selfish. I try so hard to let my own selfish feelings go, to let the logical side of me take over and remind me that I am loved and I'm not ignored. I try so hard to remember that the reason that my sister is getting all the attention is because she needs it. And I should consider myself lucky that I don't require that kind of attention because I know she is suffering.

But I am only human, and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I know we are all dealing with a lot and we all have our crosses to bear. Coming home just brings up a lot of different emotions that I am not used to dealing with, and that is why I am struggling. I know it will get easier as time goes on. I know that it won't be like this forever. But the more I feel sad, the more angry I feel because I know I am being selfish. Because I am not the one with cancer and my attention complexes are hardly a problem in comparison. I wish I was a better person; one who was stronger and could handle being "ignored" for a few days; one who cared more about my sister and her struggles than my own selfish needs; one who said "What can I do?" instead of saying "What about me?". I am going to work to be this person. It's not going to be easy, but my family has enough to deal with, and the last thing they need is me acting like I'm 1 instead of 21.

So, these last couple days may have been rough, but I am learning. Learning to let go, to not be so selfish, and learning how to be a better person. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help what I do about it. I have to stop pouting and grow up. It's time. Hard times are on their way out...

Over My Head

(Is anyone else now singing the Fray "Over My Head" in their heads now? Because I have been since I titled this post & just wondering if I'm the only crazy one! ha Just a side note!) Sometimes I have a habit of taking on too much at once. I have trouble saying no, and I really enjoy getting involved in things, so sometimes I often jump right into things without thinking about all that I have going on first. Now is one of those times where I feel like I am doing too much, and I am in over my head. (still singing the song: "everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my heaaddd..." just me?)

This summer so far has been pretty low-key, not too stressful. Which is nice because I am stressed enough during the year that when I have the summer off, I really want to be off for real. Only now that it's ending, I suddenly feel like I have a million things on my plate I took on all at once (at least it seems that way).

First of all, I started summer school this week. Blah. Don't even get me started. I am not the least bit happy about this, and even less happy about the fact that it won't be over until like 2 days before I go back to school. Awesome. It's just one class, and it's online so I don't even have to go to class, but it overwhelms me. School in general just totally stresses me out and overwhelms me because it doesn't come naturally to me, and I am a slow learner. So school over the summer? Ugh. Plus, this class is a lot harder than I expected. Last summer I took another online history class and it was pretty much a breeze. This one.. not so much. It's all essay writing, and reading 10 chapters a week. Thank goodness my mom is helping or I would be really losing it.

Also, there's this thing called a job. I love my job. I love where I work and who I work with, and this is probably my last summer there after like 4 years, so I really want to enjoy it. And, I am. But it means full hour days (ok like 10-5, but still), and when you have class on top of that, it makes for a long day. Also, on the job note, I am interning again for College Lifestyles. Which is such an amazing internship, and I love it. But, when I am working and doing summer school, it's hard to keep up with another internship and even harder to come up with creative post ideas.

Because that's not enough, I have the stress of trying to lose weight before I go back to school. I finally graduated from Boot Camp yesterday. With a total loss of like 2 pounds. Awesome. Somedays, I think my clothes are fitting better so maybe I lost inches (or at least centimeters! ha), but ask me again tomorrow & I'll probably tell you my jeans are tighter than ever. This happens to me every summer. I come home with the intention to lose weight, then when it gets to July and I haven't lost anything yet, I panic. It's just part of who I am. I'm not giving up yet, I still have the rest of the summer and I even signed up for 2 more weeks of boot camp (I could only do 2 because of vacation and then going back to school), so there's hope yet! I just have to figure out how to squeeze exercise into my schedule.

On a blog note, not only do I have to keep up with this blog (which I really don't think of as a chore at all, it's definitely a hobby, but sometimes I have total blogger's block & I stress about not posting frequently enough to keep people interested. Silly, I know), but I also signed up for the SITS Girls' ProBlogger 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge. This is something I am super excited about, because although I've been blogging for two years now, I still feel like I have a lot to learn about blogging and this will teach me that stuff! Plus, I it will be a great way to connect to other bloggers that are also doing the challenge. And connecting with other bloggers is one of the best parts about blogging, so that's awesome! However, when I started thinking about the fact that this starts on Monday, and everything else I have going on, I started to feel like I had gotten in way over my head. Then when it's all over, I have to turn around and go back to school.

I know that it will all be okay. I've made it through other busy times, and I can do it again. And since most of the things I'm doing are things I love anyway, it really isn't so bad! And at least when I start thinking that I've gotten in over my head, that song pops back into my head and I can laugh at myself for being a dork! ha Sorry for whining, I know people have way worse problems and other people are way busier than I am, but this is my life and I think it's busy, and this is my blog so I get to complain blog about it if I want to! I'm off to go to write a summer school essay... *happy dance*

Under the surface...

Life is a funny thing in a lot of ways. There is always a surface to it, if you ask me. Like a door or something that covers up the realities in life. It's like when you meet a new family and they seem like the perfect, happy family but you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors (Hello, Tiger Woods). We all have our burdens, our crosses to bear, but most of us don't walk around with them tattooed on our forehead or on a t-shirt across our chest.

Coming home this weekend, I experienced some of this. My sister had a great weekend, she was feeling really good, she looked really good and she seemed, well... normal. Normal is a funny word, because what exactly is normal? Just because she still looks the same and acts mostly the same, the truth is she still has cancer. On the surface, she looks like the average sixteen year old, just going on about her daily life. But underneath the surface are the tell-tale signs of someone whose fighting an ugly disease. The scar from her surgery; The port her chemo goes into. And inside, her body is full of stupid cancer cells.

It's hard sometimes to look at her and think how normal she looks. It's almost like a trick. You know like the game you play when you're young "made you look, haha!" You almost let yourself forget because she seems fine, so she must be fine right? If only it were that simple...

This week will be one big wake up call for me as I have yet to witness my sister "looking" sick. She went in yesterday for her second round of treatment, and I'll be there for her this week, which I am glad about, but the side effects might not be pretty. More than likely, she's gonna be feeling crappy and this is the first time I'll have witnessed that. I know it's all just part of the process, but it just makes it all seem more real and a lot less "normal".

Sometimes I think it's better her than me, if anyone, and I mean that in a completely selfish way. I would take it away from her and have it be me in a second, but I don't know if I could do it. She is so strong, stronger than me I think sometimes, and that amazes me. One of my favorite sayings is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." So far throughout this journey, our strength is definitely being put to the test, but we are ready for the test. We don't have any choice but to be strong, so we are doing our best to be strong. Sometimes, though, it's hard.

Last night, visiting her at the hospital for the first time, was the first time it really started hitting me, she is sick. She has cancer, and it sucks. I guess just being in the hospital seeing her hooked up to those drugs it was kind of a wake up call, like this is real and I'm not gonna wake up and have it be over.

I hate all of this. Just being home not even a week I'm tired of hearing the word cancer. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of not knowing what's going to happen next. I hate that I am already learning my way around the hospital just as well as I know my way around my house. I hate being home & her not being here because she's at the hospital. I hate cancer.

And still, even with all of this, I still look at her and think she seems so normal. If only there was nothing under the surface and everything was back to normal...


*Note- The last 2 days with Anna being in the hospital have been rough, so I'm venting a little. Positive post coming soon! :) *

No Place Like Home!

First of all I know I haven't posted in forever. This is terrible! I am going to make myself get back to blogging. I just haven't been able to get out of my own head, convincing myself all my posts suck! Anyway, I hate for my first post in over a month to be such a downer, but what better place to vent than my blog!?

When I made the choice to go to school 10 hours away from home, I was okay with it because I knew I made the right decision about where to go to school and I was right. I got lucky and felt really at home here right away, so I rarely get homesick. This felt like my new home. Plus, I'm lucky enough that my family is able to come visit me a lot, so it's not like I never see them. so far this semester, I've seen my mom twice, my sister once and my dad will be here in a couple weeks!

But, sometimes that homesick feeling creeps up on me. This weekend is fall break. Granted, it's not that big of a deal; we get one day off from classes, but since most people are from close by pretty much everyone is going home. And it's times like these, when the sorority house is empty and not many people are around to hang out with, that I wish I could go home for a weekend. It's not that I can't, but I have to plan way ahead to do that; order plane tickets, find a ride, schedule the bus, etc. It's not like I can just hop into the car, and be home in a couple hours. And sometimes, that sucks.

Right now, I'm just feeling a little lonely and would love to curl up on the couch at home and have my mom spoil me, and for some reason that's making me sad. It doesn't help that my plans for this weekend apparently fell through and no one notified me (another story for another time).

It's not the end of the world, clearly, but I miss my house and my family and I am a little jealous of all the people who can hop in their car and drive home for a weekend. I'm lucky that I have a second family here, though, with my sorority sisters, and I know I'll get through the weekend just fine. Every once in awhile I just miss home... like Dorothy said "There's no place like home!"

Permission to Make No Sense

The Un-Mom is hosting the weekly meme of Random Tuesday thoughts & well since I don't feel like making sense today, I love this because she is pretty much giving me permission to make no sense! Kidding... I will make some sense (or at least try)! So attempt to follow along, won't you!? So, I don't know if you remember (but you should because you should be taking notes of everything I say here!) me talking about my College Lifestyles internship, but I posted my very 1st blog over there the other day, so go check it will you!? It would make me super happy! :) I realize it's been a long time since I posted anything, but I felt like I had something to live up to after my last post was quoted on iTunes and all! I was gonna post something, but I was debating on what to post next... I was thinking about doing a post on the fear of talking on the phone, or a post about how I'm surviving the summer. What do you, my lovely readers, think!?! Anyone, anyone... Bueller? I'm taking summer school starting Monday & I'm not excited. It's going to suck. I know it. I hate school. I hate doing work for school. blah! But, hopefully it will get my GPA up & it will get a couple of classes out of the way. But it's gonna suck, did I mention that!? Also, my school & the school I'm taking classes at are not making this easy! I have less than a week to get everything in order, and today I find out my summer school doesn't have my transcript. Well that's because my normal school is "holding it" until 6/10... 9 days after I'm supposed to start classes. Awesome! Thanks for the help! My weight has officially gotten out of control. So, I have been touring gyms and stuff trying to find the right health club to join for the summer so I can hopefully go back to school looking and feeling much better than I do now. Hopefully I can start the whole working out process ASAP because time is wasting & I'm not getting any thinner! I almost posted about the MTV Movie Awards yesterday because I had so many thoughts & feelings after watching it! It was a very enjoyable show for the most part, and I freakin LOVED Andy Samberg (although I wish he would've performed instead of having those people do the slow-mo versions of his songs... lame!)! However, I was so annoyed that Twilight won everything! I get it that it's apparently soooo amazing & whatever, but enough is enough! There were a lot of other great movies this year besides Twilight & someone else should've had a chance & gotten recognized! I don't even want to watch next year, because with the new Twilight movie New Moon coming out I'm sure it's just gonna be the same kiss-twilights-ass kind of show again, and I am not interested, thankyouverymuch!! Also, Kristin Stewart... um whatever you're smoking/drinking/taking whatever... stop! You're a fool! Also, get a stylist... no one wears converse on the red carpet! Get a clue :) 1 more thing about the Movie Awards... um Heath Ledger won an award (I think like Best Villain or something? Thank God Rob Pattinson didn't win that too... shocker!) & they very nonchalantly, in passing, said oh by the way Heath Ledger won.. ok moving on now. WHAT!!!!? This is the last award that Heath Ledger will ever win most likely, and they just nonchalantly mentioned it. It was very insensitive I feel, and I wish they would've done something more to honor his memory. That's it... let me know what you think my next post should be, because I am in a slump! Also, if you're not in the mood to make sense either and just wanna say what's on your mind, you can do your own Random Thoughts Tuesday & link up with The Un-Mom!

Am I Really That Bad?

So the end of the year is approaching quickly, and what would the end of the year be without preparing for next year? That's what's been going on here at the sorority house lately. We've been practicing for recruitment (when we try to get new members to come in the fall), we've been figuring out all the details for next year like whose coming back, whose not, etc, and my favorite (not!)... who is going to live with whom? This has been the main topic here for the last couple weeks, it's on everyone's mind. I try not to let little things like this stress me out, and I tend to have an attitude towards the future like it's just that; it's the future, so why deal with it now? However, it is kind of hard not to think about my future living arrangements when people are constantly discussing it. My roommate this year & I have gotten along great. Granted, we don't have a whole lot in common; she's a graphic design major, I'm a journalism major, she's really into art, I suck at art, I go out all the time on the weekends, she went out for the first time this weekend in probably over a month... & the big one... I'm a mess & she's really clean. This has been our only issue pretty much (except in the beginning of the year when I would keep turning down the air so the A/C would turn on & make the white noise noise I love, & I ended up making our room like 50 degrees)! Because I'm such a mess & my roommate is so clean... I just assumed that she wouldn't want to live with me anymore. I feel like I drive her crazy with my messiness, but she's so sweet & easy going that she just didn't want to say anything. I don't know that she actually feels this way, it could just be my insecurities talking, but it's how I feel regardless. Anyway, one of my good friends (we'll call her friend 1) decided we should room together. I thought about it, and I had my apprehensions, but I agreed. I talked to my roommate to make sure she wasn't going to be stuck without a roommate (or at least a roommate she actually wants to live with), and she had some people in mind as well, so I figured everything was good. Then, friend 1 decided that she didn't want to live together anymore because there is a theory going around the house that if you live with someone you are close friends with, it will ruin your friendship. Fine. Whatever. Was I dissapointed she changed her mind? Well, yeah. I was looking forward to rooming with her, but I understand that she was looking out for our friendship & I am glad that she values our friendship enough to not want to do anything to jeopardize it. So, I figured I had 2 options: my current roommate & one of my other good friends (we'll call her friend 2) who didn't have a roommate yet. I talked to friend 2, and she said she didn't see any problems living together. I agreed, and we said we would think about it before we set anything in stone. I told my roommate my other friend decided not to live together anymore, and told her I had discussed living with friend 2, and maybe she should live with friend 2's current roommate. Roomie agreed, or so I thought... Little did I know that right after friend 1 told me she didn't want to live together, she and several other people were planning who everyone was going to live with... and it turns out that my roomie & friend 1 have decided to live together, and no one told me! I found out from my best friend who is in charge of all this room picking crap. The thing that makes me upset is that I was with friend 1 all night tonight until I got home, at which point I discussed the fact that friend 1 no longer wanted to room together with my roomie. Neither one of them said anything to me... my feelings are kind of hurt. To top it off, with the exception of friend 2 (& my best friend who has decided to live with a new member next year), the only people left without roommates are people who 1.) I would never live with, and 2.)There's a reason why they don't have roommates yet. I don't mean to be rude because they are my sisters, so I love them. However, they are both really awkward, and don't really connect with anyone in the house... that's putting it nicely, honestly. I may be being dramatic, but I can't help feeling "Am I really that bad?!?" I know I'm a mess, but really? I'm one of the rejects! This just adds to my insecurities about not having friends even more. I don't even want to get into that because this post is already so long. Honestly, it's just hard to feel like no one wants me, even if it is because they don't want to effect our friendship.

An Open Letter....

Dear Ass hole, Yes... you. You know who you are. Look there are just some things that I would like to say to you. I'm going to try to be as nice honest as possible. You are attractive... very attractive. I think you know that. I am attracted to you. This doesn't mean that I'm obsessed with you or want a relationship with you. However, when a girl gives you her number and you promise to call her... the least you can do is text her back! Is that so hard? I know you can do it... I question your intelligence sometimes when you talk because you tend to just repeat the same phrases over and over like "woahh all the sudden..." What does that even mean!?!?!? I know you are capable of sending a freaking text message, though. I wanted to believe you that you were a nice guy. Everyone told me you were an ass hole, and you know what, you proved them right! So congratulations! You are an ass!!! You're a good kisser, yes. A good person? NO. Apparently not! Everyone told me you told people you wanted nothing to do with me... so why did you kiss me not one night, not even two nights but on three different occasions?! And don't even think about blaming the alcohol. That is a crap excuse! You know what I wanna know? What makes you so much better than me? What makes me so unimportant to you that I'm not even worthy of a text message back? I'm good enough for you to fool around with multiple times but you can't send me a freakin' text message? What is it? How do you decide whose good enough and whose not? Is it like Project Runway: "One day you're in & the next day you're out"? Is that your motto as well? Apparently... You know what? Thank you for showing your true colors so I can move on... next time you just want a make out buddy stay away from me... & my roommate for that matter! Oh yeah & F**k you! (No, not literally.)

Reason # 10000 Why Boys Suck!

Today I was reminded of why I hate this whole girl/guy I like you, do you like me, lets date, lets not whole mess... you know what I'm talking about!? Lately I have started to feel like I am finally over my ex. We can talk and it's not awkward, we laugh at each other's jokes; we are friends, finally I think. So, in the spirit of moving on, I asked a guy if he wanted to watch a movie tonight with me. I don't even know if I have feelings for him or anything, but he expressed his feelings to me a couple times already, and I decided I should give him a chance. Well, his response to watching a movie with me? "Maybe." Um... k? Way to be vague! I'm so glad I put myself out there and asked you to do something when you're the one telling me you like me, and I never hear from you! It's not a big deal, I'm not gonna be crushed or anything if we don't hang out, but it just reminded me of why I hate dealing with boys. They tell you they like you, but they never make a freakin effort to talk to you! I understand being shy, but it's not that hard to text someone... especially if someone asked you to hang out, you said maybe and you said you would let me know. Then I don't hear from you all day. What is that about!? I also wait how boys can turn you into something so pathetic! The one thing I hated about being with my ex was waiting around for him to text me. I would wake up in the morning and wonder when he would text me, or why he hasn't yet. It's stupid! I don't need to live my life around someone else's schedule! Also apparently when guys say one thing when they're drunk they may or may not mean it when their sober (i.e. I like you a lot). I hate that. Basically right now I just hate boys.

Things that don't help when going through a break up

I promise my blog is not being taken over by me feeling sorry for myself over the whole break up thing... however in my defense it has only been a week, and it's my blog I should be able to write whats on my mind, and whether I like it or not, this is on my mind. Anyway, lately I've been getting a lot of advice and sympathy going through this whole thing. Some people are really helpful, and my friends are an amazing support system. I'm lucky to be in a house full of people who really care. However, sometimes when people think they are helping they just aren't. Here's some of the not-so-helpful-but-trying-to-be comments that I've gotten lately:

• There are plenty of fish in the sea- While this may be true, yes. 1. It's a small school & a small town, so I kind of feel like my options are limited, and 2. That's not really what I want to here right now.
• You can do so much better- again, this may be true, but again, not what I want to hear right now. It honestly just pisses me off coming from friends because when we were together, we were "so cute" and he's "such a good guy" and now all the sudden he's not good enough? I can understand if he was a jerk about the break up, but as I said, he wasn't.
• You can't keep doing this to yourself, stop thinking about it all- I got this as I was crying... like it was my fault I was upset, like I want to feel like total crap! Like I want to obsessively think about everything, to the point where it does make me want to cry? No, but I really can't help it. Like I said it's still so new, and it still hurts, so sometimes I cry... it's all part of the process.
• Just give it time, time heals everything- I know this can actually be really good advice, but again, not so much what I want to hear. I don't want to give it time! I just want to fast forward through the "time" and get to a point where its not awkward for us to be friends.
• Do you really think you can be friends, that never works- um yes. I do. and thanks for the voted confidence... real nice!
• He's a jerk- this kind of goes a long with the whole you can do better thing... 1st of all he had the opportunity to be a jerk about it and he wasn't, and 2nd he really isn't a jerk, and he definitely wasn't a jerk when we were together, so the fact that we broke up doesn't make him a jerk because he broke up because he cares.

I know people mean well, and I know from experience its hard to know what to say to someone going through a break up. I just had to vent a little. Also, on the subject of advice... one of my guy friends just started a blog!!! I'm so excited, it's going to be like an advice blog, so if you want to ask him any questions, e-mail him at bryansadvice at gmail dot com, and check it out his blog (maybe give it a little while so he can get a post up!)

Sad Day

Just in time for the holiday season, sad news :( My boyfriend and I broke up last night... he broke up with me. He was nice about it, and he didn't want to have to end things... but he has a lot going on and needs to get his life together before he can be in a relationship. I understand, I do, but it hurts... a lot. I wish there was a way that he could get his life together and still keep me in his life as his girlfriend, but it doesn't look like there is a way for that to work right now. I am so lucky to be surrounded by amazing friends, who all took care of me last night. I know this is the best thing right now, and I'm really glad that he cares about me enough not to drag me on when he doesn't feel like he can be 100% committed to this relationship. He has a lot going on in his life, and he felt like our relationship was possibly just another way for him to escape. I know he needs to get his life together, and we both said that it's possible there is a future, but for now he has to figure some stuff out. I just can't stop blaming myself... I know it's not my fault, it's no one's fault really, but I feel like there is more I could've done, I should've been there for him more... there are just so many regrets. If there is such a thing as a good time to break up, I guess that now is a good time because I'm leaving tomorrow to go home for thanksgiving, so we'll get a break from each other and we'll be able to think about things. It sucks. There's really no other way to say it. It really sucks. I miss him. I wish it didn't have to be like this. The worst part is, I had no idea. I did not see this coming at all, and that sucks even more. I know I'll be okay, and eventually when I'm ready I'll be his friend because he needs friends in his life right now, and maybe someday, when the timing is right, we can be together. Who knows what the future holds... all I know is I need to stop focusing on the past, and focus on the positive things. It's just gonna be a really hard couple of days...

How Much is too Much?

ok so the general concencus on this was to post it... so I'm going out of my comfort zone and hoping no one I know IRL actually reads this! Well actually just the person this is about.. but whatever! So I've said before that I pride myself on being a good friend. I go above and beyond, and I know that sometimes I do too much, but I really do enjoy it. I think. But sometimes it can be discouraging, and it can start to feel like you're doing all of this for nothing, and what are you getting in return. This is the situation I'm in now. There's this boy. (That's how it always starts right?!) He may or may not have been mentioned on here before..) Well this is how it went... we started talking, I liked him, thought maybe he liked me, then he made it perfectly clear he's just not that into me, and wants to be friends. Of course, because I'm every one's friend, right? Perfect. So I gave it some time, and didn't talk to him for awhile. Then I decided we should be friends because I like him as a person and although part of me wants to be more than friends, I am willing to sacrifice my feelings to at least get to hang out with him and talk to him, because I enjoy that. Well, so far every time we've hung out it's been me helping him write papers for school. Which is fine, I like helping people, and I'm happy to do it since I happen to be a decent writer and it's a talent most people don't share. In his defense, he works 5 days out of the week and absurd hours, like overnight, then goes to classes during the day and sleeps when/if he can. So, although we're only hanging out when we're working on his papers, it's kind of the only time he has to hang out, so it's like killing 2 birds with 1 stone. However, I have to wonder. How much is too much? I have been going more than out of my way to help him. So out of my way that I slept over in his dorm room in order to help him with his paper, make sure he woke up to finish, etc. I wake him up for class in the mornings, I help him with his papers, I help him with basically whatever I can. I feel like I'm part nanny, part mom and part girlfriend. Except I'm none of those. I enjoy his company. I enjoy hanging out with him. But people are concerned... my friends say I'm going to get hurt. I know he doesn't like me like that, and I guess I accept that. But if I'm being completely honest, a part of me wants more. I kind of feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal... like he gets my help basically whenever he needs/wants it, and there's no strings attached. Yes, I like hanging out with him. But I don't want to only hang out because he needs help. I don't know whenever I think/talk about it I just end up going in circles. I don't want to stop hanging out with him. I know he needs help, and for whatever reason I feel responsible to help him. But I'm afraid I'm gonna get hurt. I already got hurt by him once, after the whole I don't like you speech, but I got over it, and I decided to be friends because I really enjoy his company and talking to him. I guess I'm just wondering how much is too much? How much can I do without really getting anything in return other than a thank you and maybe a hug? It's not like I want sex. I don't. I don't want it to sound like that. I don't know what I want... I'm confused, and I'm scared of getting hurt. I don't know what to do. I know it's not going to turn out the way I want to... I can't make him want to be with me if he doesn't.

What is my deal

What's my deal lately? I just can't seem to shake this feeling of being sad... 

I don't know why, and it really makes me feel like such a baby. I just cant shake the feeling that I don't have friends here, or that I don't fit in. I don't know how to describe it, really. It's just that I feel like everyone likes each other better than they like me. Like there's always someone else they would rather be talking to when they're talking to me, or hanging out with when they're with me. It really makes me feel like I'm in middle school, but I can't help how I feel. 

I have always been a really insecure person; I have body image issues, and I don't always have the best choice in friends (although, ironically this friend & I have severed our differences, and she has been the one whose been there for me lately, and me for her, and I really think the distance made our friendship stronger, but that's another post for another day). I never feel like people like me. I don't know why. I guess I want so badly to fit in that I am paranoid, I really don't know... 

But I just feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick, like I really like everyone here, and they just tolerate me. It really makes me sad, because I want these people to be my best friends. And it could just be me over reacting, but I feel like I'm always the one seeking them out, and asking them to do stuff, inviting myself to hang out w/ them, and I don't want to have to do those things. Why doesn't anyone seek me out? 

I don't know if I'm being stupid, maybe. But either way, my feelings are hurt and I'm sad. Again. 

No Good, Very Bad, Terrible Day (Well not that bad)

I hate complaining. I know its one of the perks of having a blog is that when you do have a bad day, you can blog about it and even get some love from bloggy friends! But I just feel so negative and I don't like making big deals out of little things, but today I just really need to get it out... So I've been pretty positive about college so far, and it has been going well. I occasionally feel down, but again, not making big deals out of nothing, so mostly it's been good. But lately, I just feel like its going down hill, and today I had my 1st meltdown. I've never been the best student. I hate homework, I'm ADD so it's super hard to focus, and I run away from a challenge. I recognize all of this, but I'm not good at fixing it. Anyway, I've been doing my best to keep up with everything and I'm determined to do well. Well today, I felt like maybe that wasn't possible. It all started with my 1st class, Algebra. We took a quiz last Friday, our 1st one, and I didn't make a great grade on it. I know, it happens, and there were things I could've done to do better (like the homework which was optional and I opted out), but I thought I knew the material since it was stuff I learned in like 8th grade. I guess I was wrong. Then my next class was English, and it's basically all about writing at a college level. So we looked at all these complex sentences and had to practice putting them together. I think I'm a decent writer, I mean I won a scholarship based on my essay, and I'm a freaking Journalism major, so you'd think I would be able to write. Well, apparently not. I could not to save my life, write one of those stupid sentences and I dread that class! It makes me feel like I can't write a freaking paper to save my life. ugh. Then to put the stupid cherry on the freaking sundae, next I had connections. It's a stupid class. It's for freshman to learn about studying, and about the school and everything. I mean, we have work, but it's pathetically easy. Well because I'm just so smart, I totally spaced and I didn't do my homework for the class. And it wasn't the 1st time I forgot to do homework for this class. And the thing is, I should have a 100 with no problem in that class. But because I'm an idiot, I have a freaking 50 yeah, and that was before I forgot the second assignment today. I know its an easy mistake, and now I've learned I have to be on top of things, but I felt like crap. I felt like the biggest failure, and I started crying and couldn't stop. I just felt so discouraged, and like I couldn't do this whole college thing after all. And I can't write a freaking English essay, so how am I supposed to be a journalism major? I've been struggling with writing my articles for the paper, too, and I'm the freaking editor. Basically, I suck. I know I don't actually suck, but it's how I feel. I just wanted to throw in the towel and go home, I was so discouraged! On top of that, lately I've been feeling like I don't have friends. I know it's normal to feel this way, but I just started to feel like no one in my sorority house liked me, and everyone is like best friends with their roommate, and while I have absolutely nothing against my roommate, we are just really different, and aren't best friends, and don't hang out that much. Plus, the two people I knew going into the house already knew each other before, so I felt really left out of that bond, and just felt really lonely. So today, it just all hit me at once, and I was really upset. I am better now, I guess, but I really needed to vent. On the bright side, my mom and my sister are coming to visit me this weekend, and I couldn't be more excited! Also, my dad is over-nighting me a brand new computer!!! Mine broke, and I couldn't connect to the Internet and no one could figure out what was wrong with it, so we gave up and now this is all mine! Also, last night we had chapter (our weekly sorority meeting), and after chapter there is a committee that works with you about academics and stuff. Anyway, if they want to talk you, it can be good or bad, and if you get called down for a good reason you get to sign the wall (we have lyres- [our symbol] painted on the wall, and that's what you sign). So anyway, they called me down to congratulate me on being the editor of the paper, and I got to sign the wall the very 1st time!! So, enough complaining. Thanks for letting me vent! Now I'm off to report on my progress for Looking Fine by 2009.

I'm an Idiot

Why am I always played for the fool? I should've known. Why did I expect that we could talk things out and understand where each other was coming from? She has never understood where I'm coming from, or even tried. I should've known that she would be the bitch, and I would be the one apologizing because I always am. I'm stupid for thinking that we could just forget about the past, move on, and enjoy the next 2 weeks. Of course not because that would be too easy, and nothing comes easy for me these days. Somehow, this hurts worse than it did before. Because I wanted to work things out. Despite everything... I told myself I didn't want to. I told myself I don't care, I'm over it, I've dealt w/ this for too long. And its all true. So why can't I just let it go? It's beyond hurtful... I'm the one whose supposed to be mad. I'm mad, and somehow she still takes all the power. I truly believed that she would be willing to listen to my side of things, and I to hers. I'm so sick of being upset, and let down. And it.just.isn't.fair. I really was fine... I really was mad. So why am I crying now, and not before??? It went like this: "I need to talk to you... I'll bring you your stuff && we can talk." "I'm working out." "Ok. When are you available b/c I need to talk to you..." "About?" "About things, when are you free?" "What do you need to talk about?" "Why does that matter, I just need to talk to you ok?" "No." And that was it. Just like that with one simple word she ended 3 years of a friendship that I dedicated my time, energy and heart to. I have never felt so alone...

Feeling let down

I mentioned that this weekend was a little dramatic. I have struggled with how exactly to post about this without it being a word-for-word recap and a really long story. So I'm gonna do my best.. I have mentioned my struggles with friendships before. Well, this weekend just confirmed what I already knew, but didn't want to admit... that I really am alone. People who I cared about (and still do, whether I like it or not) proved to me they don't care about me. And as much as I knew that, it still sucks. There's really no other way to put it... it sucks. These people, especially one in particular who I considered "my best friend", have been my friends for 3 years. I mentioned before I was the basketball manager my last 2 yrs of high school, and this allowed me to form amazing bonds with girls on the team.. or so I thought. I am the type of person that always wants to please. I put others needs before mine. I always pay for things, because it makes people happy; I offer to drive everywhere and use my gas, just so other people don't have to. I really go above and beyond for people in my life, because I care. And all I want is for them to care, too. I'm no therapist, but if I had to guess I would say it all boils down to my insecurities. I am insecure with myself, and as a result, I do whatever I can to get people to "like" me. Everyone in my life knows this person isn't good for me, even her own boyfriend has expressed his realization that she "doesn't appreciate me." And I know it's true. I have known for 3 years that she didn't care about me the way I did her. I always had the feeling that our friendship was based on what I can do for her, and her need for me. She always denied it, and I wanted so badly to believe her. Deep down, I knew. I'm not stupid. I just wanted to believe the best, not the worst. I made all kinds of excuses for her- she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents (they are crazy), she doesn't know how to be a good friend, she doesn't know how to have a functional relationship. At the end of the day, though, I was the one crying, not her. I knew... but it still sucks. It sucked to sit on the stairs in my own house this weekend, after a night of arguing with her because of her lack of respect for me, and listen to her talk about me behind my back and say some of the rudest, most hurtful things. And coming from someone who I care so much about, it hurt more than words can say. I am not dwelling. I am going to college in 2 weeks. I don't have to talk to her, or the other 2 friends I was with who were also horrible to me, but it hurts. And this is never how I envisioned spending the last 2 weeks before college.... I am hurt and I am upset. And I don't know what to do... I want to talk to her and find out if she meant the things that she said. But what is the point? For 3 years it has been constant up and down and it's never going to change. I will be ok. I know that. I will make new friends. I know that, too. But for now... it sucks.

Something other than a meme

In case you haven't noticed, I've been struggling, I guess you could say, to find the right words (or any words at all) to post here on my wonderful blog. Well, the good news is ... I am posting something other than a meme. The bad news... it's just bullet points of randomness for now, but with a promise of substantial posts to come! So here goes:

• I have a lot that I want to say because a lot happened this weekend that I think needs to be spoken (err.. written) about. The best part about having a blog (other than connecting w/ new people) is that it can be very therapeutic. This is why I need to talk about what happened this wekeend... I am just struggling with how exactly to do this without a) losing the respect of my fellow bloggy-friends and/or b) writing a post that is just a bunch of whining and complaining... so stay tuned as I figure that out!
• Next- I have to say a huge thank you to everyone who has posted comments giving me advice about the upcoming major changes in my life. I really appreciate all the advice, and if I didn't reply to you.. I'm sorry! I just got distracted, but I appreciated it a lot!
• The count is now down to 15 days... I can hardly believe it.. and I have yet to do any shopping... yeah. Think I should get on that?
• I have been dealing with all this rush stuff, and it's starting to stress me out! I was awakened this weekend @ 10 AM (I know, it's not that early.. but it was my day off!) to some random lady from the Panhellenic Committee (which I've never even heard of before) telling me basically that my resume sucks (in not so many words, but basically) & I need to fix it, fill out something online, find 2 pictures- 1 close up, 1 not, and I don't even know like a million other things I need to do by the next morning. Um... yeah. I have a life.. The sororities at my school are not even that competitive because its a small school, but I'm doing the whole rec. thing as a formality and it's starting to p!$$ me off!
• Since I blabbed about that forever, I'm gonna end there, but I had to share this (tell me it doesn't count as a meme! lol)

65%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating

• Oh yeah, and just to add some comedy... I accidentally signed up for a dating site in the process of taking this quiz.. wow I should really pay more attention to what I'm signing up for... now I'm getting emails like "Meet Hot Guys in Dallas"... great! Because 2 weeks from going to college- the 1st thing on my mind is meeting hot guys... NOT!
• Also I want to give bloggy love to my newest additions to the blog roll: Chelle @ Creative Momma Carol @ Sisiwick Construction Zone Blog of a Broken Man (coming soon to my blog roll!)
• And one more thing.. I guess you can officially say my blogging vacation is over... at least for now.

Why

Why is it so easy for you to be mad at me, but not at him... It's so easy for you to be mad at everyone else for the littlest things. He gets away with everything and it's not fair to those of us who actually care about you. You are so much better than you give yourself credit for and you are capable of so much more.. all I want for you is to realize that you don't need him. But you don't realize and you are crippled by your fear of being without him and having no one. What you don't see is that you do have people that care for you other than him. And in the process of being so consumed by him, you're pushing us away. I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to you next year being separated from him, but still so close. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to you if he breaks up with you... and this time for good. I'm afraid you're letting go of your dreams and your hopes for the future, to only focus on his needs and wants and dreams. I'm afraid that you've dug a hole for yourself so deep, there may be no way out... I wish you would just realize. Just admit he's not the one for you. You will be okay, eventually. Even without him...

Unspeakable

So last week I was on vacation, right? I don't know about you, but when I am on vacation I'm not obsessing over what I'm eating and focusing on working out. I am trying to have a good time and enjoy my vacation. Vacation should mean a vacation from all that, too! So I splurged... alot. When I say splurged, I mean strawberry shortcake, Angel food cake, Dessert with lunch, breakfast and dinner. I could go on forever... Let me back up for a minute and say this. I struggle with my weight like how many other percent of people in the population do... and it's always been a struggle to get slimmer, blah blah you know the drill. Well, starting last summer I made a vow to get healthy. I was pretty overweight, to be honest (Maybe one day I might post pictures if I'm feeling really honest). With the help of my basketball coach ( I didn't play for the team... I was the manager, but the Coach was like a mom to me) I started running and exercising and eating healthier. This continued for the 1st semester of my Senior year. Then... things went a little down hill. Working out was harder because my coach was having a baby and eventually went on bed rest so we weren't working out during basketball anymore. Anyway, I ended up losing about 30 lbs., and got to a weight I was happy with. Then.... I did the unspeakable.. I weighed myself right after my vacation. We all know you don't weigh yourself after vacation. I don't even weigh myself that often normally. But I was at my best friends house, she had a scale in her bathroom, and curiosity took over. It was not good. That number on that scale told me I gained 10 lbs. That can't be right. Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little because I didn't gain all 10 lbs in the week I was on vacation, but I gained at least 5 in that week and it adds up to 10 lbs more than the number I was at after losing weight. My point is it is so frustrating trying to lose weight! There is temptation everywhere! You should see where I work... it is not a normal office. There is candy all over the place. I sware. I'm not exaggerating. And knowing it is there is so hard!!! I am a sucker for sweets. And I'm working out twice a week with a trainer, I'm logging what I eat, I feel like I'm doing all the right things but I can't stop eating sweets and I am definitely not losing weight! Any diet tips out there? I really wanted to lose more weight this summer so I could be in awesome shape for college, but apparently that's not going to happen...