PYHO: Seasonal Depression

The time has come. I was doubtful it would ever arrive after months and months of snow and bitterly cold temperatures, but spring seems to be officially here. I realize that for most people this is a great thing, a happy thing. But for me? It causes what I have self diagnosed as seasonal depression.

I know it seems crazy. Beautiful weather, beautiful plants, the ability to actually be outdoors and not freeze.. how does that cause depression?! Let me try to explain...

I have never been a skinny person; it's just not how I'm built. But lately I have gained a lot of weight. I have let myself get so far out of control I don't know how to get back. And most of all, I have been in denial. Winter was easy. Throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt and you don't really have to face what your body looks like under all those layers, so you can tell yourself that you look great. That you haven't gained that much weight. That no one can tell how fat you are.

And then comes Spring... which means short shorts, tank tops, mini skirts and teeny tiny dresses. This brings out all my insecurities and multiplies them by like 1000. Eventually, it is so hot outside that you really can't wear jeans anymore and be fine. Which means it is time for the inevitable but awful; it is time to bust out the shorts. Just the word makes me cringe; I have a hate/hate relationship with shorts. First of all, why do they have to be so short? I don't want shorts that barely pass my crotch because underneath that are my thunder thighs that I am not trying to show off to the world. Second, why is there nothing between the really short shorts and the bermuda shorts? And finally, why is it so hard to find shorts past size 8? Because fat people shouldn't wear shorts? Well then what do you suggest we wear during the spring/summer?!!

And that's just the shorts. Last weekend, when it was 90 outside and there was a frat party that night, I was faced with a whole new dilemma. What on earth do I wear to some random frat party when A) it's 90 outside even at night and B) this means all the other girls are wearing something itty bitty which is what girls are expected to wear in this weather? This seriously caused me so much stress I considered multiple times not going and I may have shed a tear or two. (Not the first time this has happened.) This requires not only digging out my warm weather clothes that are safely tucked away, but also trying things on and facing the sad reality that half of it doesn't fit anymore.

Also, warm weather clothes are not exactly forgiving like winter clothes. They don't cover up the tummy that has expanded to the point that I look 8 months pregnant. They don't hide the FUPA. They don't hide my thunder thighs that rub together when I wear a dress or a skirt. (Side note, yes, putting deodorant there helps. But do you know how self defeating it feels to rub deodorant on your thighs? It's not exactly a confidence booster.) They don't hide my flabby arms that have taken a life of their own to the point where I can't wear sleeveless tops without being so insecure I can't think about anything else except how big my arms must look. They are forcing to me to face all my imperfections and I can't handle.

So, while some people want to stay inside and never leave the house during winter, I prefer to stay inside when it's warm. I don't want to have put on that sleveless top that shows my enormous arms. I don't want to have to rub deodorant on my thighs before leaving the house. Most of all, I don't want to face my body. I want to put on my sweatpants and big sweatshirt and get under the covers and hide. Hide from myself and hide from reality. So, you enjoy your warm weather. I'll be here. Counting the days until it is winter again...

I am linking up at Things I Can't Say today for Pour Your Heart Out.