30.3.11

Back to Normal

Pour your heart out could not fall on a better day this week. I really need to pour my heart out.

This has been a week. One of those weeks that feels like it should be over by now because I'm over it. Where do I even start?

My sister went into the hospital over the weekend because she was in so much pain she could barely walk. So they needed to give her pain meds through an IV, and figure out a new pain management plan and a new chemo plan and all that. So basically they've been in the hospital all week (which I realize is not that long since it's only Wednesday but like I said, feels like forever ago because this has been a long week) meeting with doctors and stuff.

This weekend is Mom's weekend at my sorority. It is a super fun weekend where everyone's moms come up, we do a brunch and an auction and just get to spend quality time with our moms. Last year, my mom couldn't come because Anna was in the middle of chemo and everything and the timing just wasn't right. I missed her a lot, but a super sweet mom of a friend "adopted" me for the weekend so I wouldn't be alone. Which was great, but not like having my mom here.

This year, Anna was supposed to off chemo this week and the timing was perfect for my mom to come for the weekend. I've been looking forward to this forever. I know I just saw her a couple weeks ago for Spring Break and I went home a few weeks before that, so it's not like it's been forever since I've seen her but this weekend is special, and no matter how many times I go home it's not the same as having my mom here. Here to see all my friends. To meet the ones she hasn't yet (like my little sis) and to spend alone time with just me. When I'm home, usually there's a lot going on like Anna's not feeling well or something and we just don't get to spend much time just the two of us. That's what I was looking forward to the most this weekend.

Turns out, it's not happening. Again. On Monday, when my mom said they would be in the hospital a few more days my heart dropped because I just knew this would happen. On the weekend that belonged to me. It was my turn to spend quality time with my mom. "You're still gonna come, right?" I asked her Monday even though I had a feeling it was wishful thinking. All week, I battled this sadness that was overcoming me and tried to stay positive. "It might still work out," I told myself. "I know she's gonna try her hardest to come." "It's just a day to day thing, we don't know what's going to happen."

Today, I couldn't do it anymore. I tried calling her all day and when I got a text saying they were moving rooms at the hospital, I knew they weren't leaving the hospital anytime soon. I knew my plans for the weekend were ruined. I couldn't help it; I lost it. And once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I was (and am) upset. Upset that my mom wasn't coming. Upset that my sister was in the hospital. Upset that I couldn't get a hold of my mom when I wanted. Upset that nothing was the way it should be. This isn't how life is supposed to be. There's not supposed to be hospital stays and unknowns and dammit, if my mom wants to come up for a weekend she should be able to.

I just want things to go back to normal. I want to live a normal life where we never see my sister because she's 17 and is always with her friends. (I don't mean the never see her part offensively but 17 year olds typically aren't home much) A normal life that doesn't involve hospitals. A normal life that doesn't involve cancer. And I know I'm not alone in wishing this, I'm just throwing myself a pity party because I was so excited to spend time with my mom, and I'm tired of being disappointed.

Maybe I'm being selfish by being upset. Because I'm not the one in the hospital and I'm not the one with cancer. My life is really not that bad compared to fighting cancer. I realize that. But it sucks when you're looking forward to something so much and then it doesn't happen. I don't blame my sister for being sick or taking attention away from me. I don't blame my mom for staying with her. I'm just upset at the situation, and every time someone says "I can't wait to see my mom this weekend," I want to burst into tears right then and there.

I also feel bad being upset because I don't want to make my mom upset. She has enough to deal with and I don't want her to worry about me too. I wouldn't even tell her why I was upset when she called today because I don't want to be a burden. But I am sad. Because there is nothing that can replace spending a weekend just the two of us...

On the bright side (I feel like I need to put a positive spin on this so it doesn't sound like poor, poor me. I have such a hard life), I get to go home for Easter, which will be nice. And there is a chance my godmother will be here to take my mom's place which would make me so happy. So it's not all bad, but no matter what I will miss my mom a lot this weekend.

So, for now, I am sulking. And self medicating with chocolate. And pouring my heart out. For now.






 I am linking up at Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out.

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39 comments:

I Thought I Knew Mama said...

Here via comment hour and sending you a hug!

Heather said...

I'm so sorry your mom is missing again this year. I'll be praying for your sister!

MrsJenB said...

What many people don't realize is that sickness affects not just the sick. I get it. Big hug!

Kimberly said...

I'm here from #commenthour and wishing I had something amazing to tell you to turn your world around...but know that many people care about you...

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

Hugs, that sounds so hard.

came over from the SITS comment hour.

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

I seriously wish I could come to Mom's weekend to support you! I don't think you are being selfish at all. This is hard on all of you. You need your mom, just like your sister does. I can't imagine what your whole family is going through. I hope your Godmother is able to make it! Sending a hug & prayer your way!

Amanda said...

I can relate in so many ways. Sending hugs your way and I hope you keep your chin up! Stopping by from commenthour

Eve said...

Big hugs and I'm glad you get to go home for Easter!
Stoppin' by from Comment Hour. :-)

ManWifeDog said...

Visiting from SITS!! My prayers go out to your sister. ALWAYS good to pour your heart out. I need to try it!

Man WIfe and Dog Blog

Mom of the Twinkies and Tot! said...

I seriously wish I could come to Mom's weekend to support you! I don't think you are being selfish at all. This is hard on all of you. You need your mom, just like your sister does. I can't imagine what your whole family is going through. I hope your Godmother is able to make it! Sending a hug & prayer your way!

TryItMom said...

*hugs* I hope pouring your heart out make sit feel a little better :)

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I am so glad you have someone else coming. It has got to be hard to want the best for your sister and still need support too.

Counselor Musings said...

Visiting for comment hour. Wish I could be there as a support for you this weekend, and I'm sorry that your mom can't make it:(

Donna U said...

Visiting from #CommentHour. Hugs to you!
Just One Donna from www.justonedonna.com

Scott and Alie said...

Sending you much peace.

From #commenthour

The Lucky Wife said...

OH, man, when it RAINS it POURS right? So sorry... and eat all the chocolate you want, girl. Take it easy. Get some rest, some good exercise... and pour your heart out when you need to. I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you and your family.

(Visiting from #comment hour)

Geek.Girl.Wife said...

I am praying for the best for your sister, mother and whole family at this time!

shaynna said...

A good vent and pouring out of the heart is good for the soul - just dont wallow! Big hug #commenthour

Caren said...

I had a little sister with cancer my first year away at college. It was really tough. I can sympathize with you. Sometimes we have to grow up sooner than we expected.

Gina said...

Big Hugs coming your way. Having someone in the hospital is exhausting and you feel so helpless...hang in there ♥

Amy said...

I think this is a normal reaction. Hoping you get some quality time with your mom soon.

#commenthour

Katy said...

sending you virtual hugs. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way!

stopping by from the comment hour =)

Sue said...

Stopping by from SITS #CommentHour

sorry you're going through all that, hope it all turns out ok.

Hope you can have a nice weekend if maybe your godmother can come :)

Renegades said...

When someone is sick it effects other family members.

Hopefully you'll get some time with your mom soon.

Jamee said...

My eyes teared up reading your post. Do not be ashamed for your feelings. You are grieving and it is totally normal and healthy. Its not fair for anyone in your family to deal with this. Cancer affects everyone in the family. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. ((Hugs))

Jamee
Stopping by froms SITS comment hour!

wildcatterswife.com said...

Praying for you and sending lots of love and hugs!!!

Shell said...

Oh, I'm sorry that she won't be there. And I'm sorry that your sister is so sick.

I don't think that you are being selfish- just honest about how you are feeling.

YuL hm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
YuL hm said...

i understand how you feel

YuL hm

Dawn said...

You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. What is going on with your sister effects everyone. It is a difficult situation. (((Hugs)))

Toqua's Crafts said...

Life stinks sometimes!
Sending hugs and prayers.

I missed @CommentHour tonight, but I still wanted to come by and visit.

Blessings!

Toqua’s Crafts
http://ToquasCrafts.blogspot.com
@ToquasCrafts

Rebecca Louise. said...

Oh Patrice my heart was breaking for you reading this! It sure does suck and I totally get your sad and why your mum cant come. I'll come though, sounds like a great weekend!!! We can be motherly friends hehe :)

Jenny said...

Sending hugs your way friend. It is so helpful to let it all out or else it would eat you up inside. Try and have a great weekend..and cancer sucks..you know how I feel about it. Praying for your sister.

sweetjeanette said...

Thanks so much for stopping by sweetjeanette.com and leaving your sweet comment on Prayer Request Tuesday. (#commenthour) I'm so glad you did, and you touched my heart! Cancer is such a mean sickness. I agree with MrsJenB...it doesn't just attack the sick. You will definitely be in my prayers, as well as the rest of the family.

Mere said...

Hello sweet girl!!
I just wanted to tell you I'm praying for you and yours and things WILL get better. I hate when people tell me things will get better the moment the words leave their lips, but they always do!! Keep that million dollar smile on and keep being that ray of sunshine I know you are :) ((HUGS))

Love, Mere

Jade said...

Sometimes you really just need to cry and think about yourself for a while, I'm sure you spend a lot of time being strong and thinking about other people - it sounds like you need a bit of a break.

I hope everything goes well at the hospital and your Mum does make it to see you, if not at least you should have your godmother there instead for now.

Thinking about you today,
Jade
#CommentHour

Kari said...

Im sorry your mom cant make it. I was in a soroity and hated the mother daughter things because my mom could never come. But just know that your mom loves you and she wants to be there. Life is hard but it teaches us to roll with the punches.

Here (very late) from #commenthour

Kari
www.morganandkari.com

Adrienne said...

I'm sorry for your disappointment. No matter what it's compared to, it stinks. Don't feel bad for feeling bad. I realize it may not seem like a big deal compared to cancer, but it was important to you, and it's ok to be bummed. I hope you and your mom get that chance to spend some quality time together. I'm sure she was looking forward to it too. Stopped by from Shell's PYHO link.

SueMac said...

You have every right to feel the way you do. They are your feelings. Big hugs your way.

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