Maybe in Distance, but Not at Heart

One of my favorite sayings is "friends forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but not at heart." This is how I'm feeling in regards to my sister this week. I may be miles away, but in my heart I'm with her. It's hard being away right now but I'll be home soon enough, and be able to spend time with her. Even though I'm not there with her, she's always on my mind and in my heart.

I still can't quite wrap my head around this whole thing... the fact that my sister who was perfectly fine 3 weeks ago has cancer. It's unreal. It's like the world got turned upside down pretty much. It is a hard thing to comprehend, for sure. I think that being here at school and going on with my life as it always is is what is making it so hard to comprehend. Sure, hearing the updates from my parents and knowing what's going on makes it feel real, especially now that she's in the hospital, but for me life still feels normal. Sometimes it hits me randomly... when I actually sit down and think about the fact that my sister has cancer, it scares me. I'm scared of what's to come, of what's going to happen to her, of everything. I'm scared of going home for Christmas break and seeing her in the hospital, seeing her looking sick. I want my sister back without the cancer!

People keep asking me how I'm holding up. It's a funny thing to try to answer. I compare it to any other kind of bad news or set backs in life. You have ups and downs. There are days when I feel sad and wish this wasn't happening to her, times I feel scared of the future, times when I feel guilty for living my life like normal, and times when I'm happy, despite the fact that my sister is sick. I am holding up like normal, but with my sister in my thoughts and in my heart.

Yesterday, we got bad news that her cancer has spread to her bone marrow. This means that the fight is going to be tougher and possibly longer. They have ruled it Stage 4 cancer. Stage 4. Those words break my heart and scare me at the same time. I never wanted to have to hear the words stage 4 cancer in reference to my sister, and never thought I would. However, I am so thankful that it is something she can and will fight. I know that one day we will look back on this and think how much it sucked and how glad we are that it's all behind us and that it was totally and completely worth the time, energy and all around suckiness.

Of course we all wish that this wasn't happening, but it is and all we can do is kick cancer's butt!

So until I'm home next weekend, I'm keeping her in my heart because even though we're separated by distance, we're not separated at heart!

Thank you for all the support, thoughts and prayers. It really makes me feel so great when I am reminded of how many people are praying for my sister. All the e-mails, the twitter messages and the messages on her CaringBridge site bring tears to my eyes. It is overwhelming in a good way how much support and love we are getting! Thank you.