These are the Moments I'll Never Forget.

Last Friday night was my very first exec retreat for my sorority. (For those of you that don't speak "Greek" the exec retreat is where the president and all the VP's plus advisers meet to discuss new ideas for the upcoming semester). I am proud to now be a member of the exec board, serving as the VP Communications. Going into the retreat, I was nervous. Would they like my new ideas? Would they think I'm doing a good job? What will it be like? Well, by the end of the night not only was I no longer nervous but I realized that that night would be one I'll never forget.

Although the night was serious for the most part, when you put a bunch of girls in a room together for a long period of time, you can't expect to not have any fun! There was lots of laughter, lots of funny things said, and many good times shared. I can honestly say I was amazed at how much fun I was having. There is something truly special about a group of powerful women all sharing ideas and brainstroming together and having fun while doing it. I am lucky to be a part of this group of amazing women.

After the serious part of the retreat was over, we stayed up for hours talking. Talking about boys (you're never too old for that!), swapping stories, and talking about why we joined this amazing chapter that we are so lucky to be a part of. As I was sitting there, I realized it didn't matter how tired I was, it didn't matter that it was 3 AM. These are the moments that I know I'll look back on one day and say "I miss that." One day I'll miss staying up late, talking and laughing. I'll miss being able to walk down the hall and see any one of my amazing sisters. I'll miss this...

Luckily, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and I can only imagine the amount of memories I'll have like this by the time I graduate. As hard as it is being away from my family right now, these amazing women make it easy, and for that I am so lucky.

'Tis the Season to be Jolly...

It’s Christmas time, and as the song goes, it’s the time to be jolly, right? Well needless to say, we haven’t exactly spent the last couple of months at my house being “jolly”, nor has it been easy to jump right into the Christmas spirit. When someone you love is sick, it’s hard sometimes to focus on other things, and it's too easy to focus so much on the fact that it sucks that Anna is sick, so we might forget how much we have to be grateful for.

This Christmas is certainly not a “normal” Christmas. Our Christmas tree is a tiny, fake tree and is pretty much ornament-less. Our house is not decorated for Christmas, like it has been every other year. My sister is certainly not feeling “normal” with her hair falling out and battling nausea off and on. The fact that our family has been in and out of the hospital in the last couple months is certainly not normal. The fact that we didn’t manage to send out Christmas cards to friends in family is certainly not normal. The fact that we never made it to church is not normal. The fact that I am traveling by myself this Christmas to visit family instead of our whole family going is not normal.

However, even though we have these abnormalities this Christmas, there is so much greatness this season. The fact that we have so many people praying for my sister and our family; friends, family and even strangers. The beautiful tree in our front yard, Anna’s “Angel Tree” started by dear friends to surprise Anna when she came home one night, covered in ornaments donated by friends and family to symbolize their prayers. The fact that although the inside of our house may be lacking Christmas decorations, that our house is lit up beautifully on the outside, a wonderful gift of time and effort by the amazing people and family my dad works with. The fact that my sister is home, and feeling mostly good and can celebrate Christmas like normal and not in the hospital. The fact that even though Santa’s elves in our house have been a little busy as of late, Santa still managed to come to our house, and bring great joy to us all. The fact that thanks to a great bloggy friend we are sending happy new year cards, and spreading the knowledge that 2010 is going to be a great year of healing for us. The fact that I am able to go to South Carolina to represent our family and celebrate the season with my grandparents, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. The fact that we are all together, that we have each other. That we experienced the first White Christmas in Dallas in 83 years, which as a great family friend pointed out is the sign of miracles.

I remember reading MckMama’s blog back when her baby son Stellan was so sick, and her post about their families “new normal”.  A lot of that is what we are experiencing now. Although a year ago, this Christmas would not be considered normal, this is our new normal. We are learning to roll with the punches, play the hand we are dealt, make lemonade out of the lemons we’ve been dealt. This is a new, but temporary, normal. This is normal for now, and with God’s help, next year at this time things will be back to the old normal. All the familiar signs of the season will be back, and all the signs of a family struggling through a hard time will just be memories of this year.

Most importantly, we had a wonderful Christmas Eve and a wonderful Christmas, spending quality time just the four of us, enjoying amazing meals, and just enjoying each others company. That is reason enough, in my opinion, to be jolly this Christmas season.

Our house, with our beautiful Christmas lights and snow on the ground! (Sorry for the poor quality, it was taken on my iPhone. Also, this picture doesn't include the beautiful Angel Tree... I was just trying to get the snow on the ground, and this was the part of the house most lit up!)


 Merry Christmas to you all & your families! :)

Under the surface...

Life is a funny thing in a lot of ways. There is always a surface to it, if you ask me. Like a door or something that covers up the realities in life. It's like when you meet a new family and they seem like the perfect, happy family but you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors (Hello, Tiger Woods). We all have our burdens, our crosses to bear, but most of us don't walk around with them tattooed on our forehead or on a t-shirt across our chest.

Coming home this weekend, I experienced some of this. My sister had a great weekend, she was feeling really good, she looked really good and she seemed, well... normal. Normal is a funny word, because what exactly is normal? Just because she still looks the same and acts mostly the same, the truth is she still has cancer. On the surface, she looks like the average sixteen year old, just going on about her daily life. But underneath the surface are the tell-tale signs of someone whose fighting an ugly disease. The scar from her surgery; The port her chemo goes into. And inside, her body is full of stupid cancer cells.

It's hard sometimes to look at her and think how normal she looks. It's almost like a trick. You know like the game you play when you're young "made you look, haha!" You almost let yourself forget because she seems fine, so she must be fine right? If only it were that simple...

This week will be one big wake up call for me as I have yet to witness my sister "looking" sick. She went in yesterday for her second round of treatment, and I'll be there for her this week, which I am glad about, but the side effects might not be pretty. More than likely, she's gonna be feeling crappy and this is the first time I'll have witnessed that. I know it's all just part of the process, but it just makes it all seem more real and a lot less "normal".

Sometimes I think it's better her than me, if anyone, and I mean that in a completely selfish way. I would take it away from her and have it be me in a second, but I don't know if I could do it. She is so strong, stronger than me I think sometimes, and that amazes me. One of my favorite sayings is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." So far throughout this journey, our strength is definitely being put to the test, but we are ready for the test. We don't have any choice but to be strong, so we are doing our best to be strong. Sometimes, though, it's hard.

Last night, visiting her at the hospital for the first time, was the first time it really started hitting me, she is sick. She has cancer, and it sucks. I guess just being in the hospital seeing her hooked up to those drugs it was kind of a wake up call, like this is real and I'm not gonna wake up and have it be over.

I hate all of this. Just being home not even a week I'm tired of hearing the word cancer. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of not knowing what's going to happen next. I hate that I am already learning my way around the hospital just as well as I know my way around my house. I hate being home & her not being here because she's at the hospital. I hate cancer.

And still, even with all of this, I still look at her and think she seems so normal. If only there was nothing under the surface and everything was back to normal...


*Note- The last 2 days with Anna being in the hospital have been rough, so I'm venting a little. Positive post coming soon! :) *

Optimism and Positivism

Last year as an ice breaker game as new members of our sorority, we played the name game. Basically, you give yourself an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name and add that to your name. When I chose Positive Patrice as mine, everyone had a good laugh. I didn't understand why that was so funny but everyone who knew me found it to be pretty ironic. Apparently I wasn't as positive as I thought. After that I tried to be more aware of how I was thinking and I made an effort to be more positive.

Looking back on the story it now seems kind of ironic because by everyone laughing at me implying that I'm positive it made me strive to be more positive so that it wouldn't be so funny. In a way, it's a good thing I subconsciously started working on my optimism because now I need my optimism more than ever. With my sister fighting cancer, optimism has never played such a strong role in my life before. But now? I strive everyday to stay positive for her and for me. I make an effort to push any negative thoughts/feelings about this sucky situation out of my head. And this is so important to not just me, but to all of us. Everyone around her has to stay so positive for her.

Through out this whole thing I've been continuously amazed at Anna's strength and her continued positive attitude. There really are few things in life that test your optimism and ability to stay strong and positive as much as cancer. Cancer is is awful. It's ugly. It's stupid. It's all around horrible. But it can be beat and that's what's most important.

So when I heard yesterday she was feeling down, I was concerned. When I texted her to see what's up it turns out a stupid doctor told her she's dieing. That the chemo won't work and even if it does it will most likely come back within 2 years and kill her. This is by far the worst thing you could possibly say to someone who just began a LONG road to fight for their life. She is NOT dieing. There IS hope. There IS a good chance that she'll beat this. And when she's finished kicking cancer's butt, we'll move on to that doctor who so stupidly told her she's dieing. He later clarified that he was just explaining all possible worst-case scenarios, and that they do feel strongly that she can beat this and they are giving her the best treatment in order for her to get better, but what's done is done.

Optimism isn't always easy. It's a struggle all the time to not let the negative thoughts affect you. Sometimes you take blows to your positive attitude and optimism that seem harder to bounce back from. To tell someone they're going to die is hard for them to recover from. Regardless of whether or not it's true, it's not something you take lightly. It is not something you can move on and forget no matter how many times people tell you it's untrue. This breaks my heart that someone said those words to my sister. She is strong. She CAN and WILL fight this, but not if you knock her down before she even gets a chance to get anywhere near the finish line.

As much as I hate this, and hate that she was so upset and distraught over hearing that, I can't say I blame her. I don't blame her at all for being scared, for feeling defeated by having someone tell her she's going to die. Even though he took it back, it was already out there and it already got into her head. And you know what? That is scary. How could I blame her for being scared when I'm scared too? Of course I'm scared, we are all scared. I'm terrified. I will always stay strong for her, and when she needs a pep talk I will always be there. But when I'm laying in bed, alone with my thoughts, optimism sometimes escapes me. I think of life without my sister and I feel sick to my stomach. I feel so incomplete it's inconceivable.

I have faith. I know that she will beat this. I know I won't ever have to know what life is like without my sister, because she will be fine. She'll show that doctor who's boss! She is strong. She can and will do this. We just all have to hang on to our faith, and keep working on that optimism..

 (Face-in-holed by my cousin, picniked by me)
I love you, Anna.... stay strong! We're in this together! <3

Maybe in Distance, but Not at Heart

One of my favorite sayings is "friends forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but not at heart." This is how I'm feeling in regards to my sister this week. I may be miles away, but in my heart I'm with her. It's hard being away right now but I'll be home soon enough, and be able to spend time with her. Even though I'm not there with her, she's always on my mind and in my heart.

I still can't quite wrap my head around this whole thing... the fact that my sister who was perfectly fine 3 weeks ago has cancer. It's unreal. It's like the world got turned upside down pretty much. It is a hard thing to comprehend, for sure. I think that being here at school and going on with my life as it always is is what is making it so hard to comprehend. Sure, hearing the updates from my parents and knowing what's going on makes it feel real, especially now that she's in the hospital, but for me life still feels normal. Sometimes it hits me randomly... when I actually sit down and think about the fact that my sister has cancer, it scares me. I'm scared of what's to come, of what's going to happen to her, of everything. I'm scared of going home for Christmas break and seeing her in the hospital, seeing her looking sick. I want my sister back without the cancer!

People keep asking me how I'm holding up. It's a funny thing to try to answer. I compare it to any other kind of bad news or set backs in life. You have ups and downs. There are days when I feel sad and wish this wasn't happening to her, times I feel scared of the future, times when I feel guilty for living my life like normal, and times when I'm happy, despite the fact that my sister is sick. I am holding up like normal, but with my sister in my thoughts and in my heart.

Yesterday, we got bad news that her cancer has spread to her bone marrow. This means that the fight is going to be tougher and possibly longer. They have ruled it Stage 4 cancer. Stage 4. Those words break my heart and scare me at the same time. I never wanted to have to hear the words stage 4 cancer in reference to my sister, and never thought I would. However, I am so thankful that it is something she can and will fight. I know that one day we will look back on this and think how much it sucked and how glad we are that it's all behind us and that it was totally and completely worth the time, energy and all around suckiness.

Of course we all wish that this wasn't happening, but it is and all we can do is kick cancer's butt!

So until I'm home next weekend, I'm keeping her in my heart because even though we're separated by distance, we're not separated at heart!

Thank you for all the support, thoughts and prayers. It really makes me feel so great when I am reminded of how many people are praying for my sister. All the e-mails, the twitter messages and the messages on her CaringBridge site bring tears to my eyes. It is overwhelming in a good way how much support and love we are getting! Thank you.

Worst Kind of News, pt. 2

When bad things happen, it's hard for me to put into words how I'm feeling. I don't know how to explain it, how to make it make sense. So, I write it down. Somehow I can't verbalize how I'm feeling, but I can write it down just fine.

So, today, not even a week from when this all started, when I received the worst kind of news, my first instinct was to blog about it. To share how I'm feeling. Because I don't really know how to talk to about it, but in writing it all comes together.

Today, my beautiful sister was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma.... bone cancer. That awful word I was so afraid of being used in the same sentence with my sister's name. It's now become a reality, and I hate it. We all hate it.

It's in the early stages, and it hasn't spread, which is great. But it's cancer... and cancer isn't fun. She has a rough road ahead of her, but she's going to be fine which is most important.

I wish that this wasn't happening, that I would wake up and realize this whole thing has just been one really horrible dream. I hate this for her, and for my family. I'd give anything to have it be me and not her. I'd give anything to take this all away and have life go back to normal.

I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the next few days, weeks, and months and what's to come. I can't even imagine how she's feeling; probably the same way, but worse. I'm scared for her. I wish that my life wasn't going on as normal, that I wasn't going back to school in a few days while her life is changing so much. I can't even imagine not being here to support her through what's to come, but at the same time I can't imagine seeing her sick. It scares me me to think of her like that. I don't want my sister to be sick, not this kind of sick.

I keep feeling like she is sick, but with the flu or something. That in a few days this will all blow over and everything will change. And then I remember that that's not the case at all. That things are going to be very different for all of us for the next few months while she's getting better. It sucks. There's no easy way to say it. It sucks that this is happening, and I just want it to be over, for her to be better already, to fast forward through the next few months. 

I know that the important thing is that she will get better. She can fight this. She is so strong both mentally and physically. She'll get through this, and for that I am so grateful.

The support we have gotten has been amazing. Family, firends, and even strangers are praying and thinking of us during this difficult time. I know that there is a reason all of this is happening. This is a blessing in disguise. It's bringing us all closer to God, it's putting everything in perspective for us, and it is bringing us closer together as a family. I wish that it didn't have to happen this way, but it is happening, and I am grateful that some good is coming out of something so horrible.

So tonight, on Thanksgiving Eve (well technically it's Thanksgiving already), I am thankful for the blessings we have received. I'm thankful for having my sister in my life and having such a great family. I'm thankful for the amazing support from all of you blog friends and twitter friends, from our family and friends, and from people we don't even know.

Anna... I'm so glad that you are my sister. We can get through this together! I'm always here for you, and I will be with you every step of the way, fighting with you. I'm so proud of you for the way you're handling all of this. I know it's not easy, but you can and will do it! I love you so much <3

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

A Caring Bridge site has been set up for her, so if you would like to stay updated feel free to keep up there.

Worst Kind of News

I hate blogging under negative circumstances. I would much rather write funny, witty posts, anything but this type of post. But something is weighing on my mind heavily, and I can't not share.

My younger sister has been having hip pain for quite awhile, so they finally went to get it checked out this week. After a few tests and stuff, they found a mass on her hip which they think might be a tumor. They found this out this afternoon, and by tonight my sister was already at the hospital having a biopsy. After the biopsy, the doctors are optimistic... they intitally thought it was a very agressive form of cancer and have since changed their minds, but aren't really sure what it is. It's going to take a few days to know for sure.

I am honestly kind of speechless. My emotions have been all over the place since finding this news out at 3:30 this afternoon. At first, I was in shock, I didn't know what to think, what to do, what to say. The more I thought about the more scared I was and I couldn't get that awful word cancer out of my head. That big, scary, mean, ugly word. My sister is only 16. She shouldn't have to be going through this. I am scared. I am terrified of what's going to happen to her. I don't want to have to think about life without my sister, my other half.

I immediately flash back to all those times we've argued, all those times we said I hate you to each other, even though we both knew we didn't mean it. We're sisters, we fight. That's inevitable, of coruse. But now? Now I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I had kept in touch with her better while being away at school. I wish that I didn't take tomorrow and next year and 20 years from now for granted. I wish I had cherished the time with her more.

Most of all, I wish I was there. The worst part of all of this is hearing her cry on the phone and telling me how she wished I was there, when I knew I couldn't be there. Logically, I know there's not much I could do there. She has a great support system even without me. But I feel awful for being so far away. I wish I could be there to support her, to tell her everything will be ok. And I will be soon enough. I'll be home in less than a week, and be able to tell her all those things. I'll be able to spend time with her, and I'm glad for that. As my dad put it, my job is to focus on school and studies, and their job is to focus on her.

It's hard for me to be here, with my life going on as normal, and have her there, with her life anything but normal. She's in the hospital, and I'm still here, still doing the same things I was yesterday. I feel guilty for laughing, for having fun. My friends invited me to go out with them tonight... I feel guilty if I go out and have fun. Of course she'll always be on my mind, but I just feel guilty that she is the one suffering and I'm not. Everything else just seems so unimportant now. Like all my worries or needs seem so trivial and stupid. 

I really believe that everything will be okay. I know whatever happens, she will make it through. She is stubborn and will fight if she has to. I pray that this is just all a big scare, and that everything will turn out fine. I know in my heart that she'll be okay, that 20 years from now is not something to take for granted because it will happen. It's just the "what if's" that scare as much as I try not to think like that.

Everyone has been so phenomenal, so supportive already. All of her friends and classmates have been adding me on facebook, and offering their thoughts and prayers. One of her classmates is hosting a rosary ceremony at the school tomorrow morning. Everyone is praying, and I can't thank them for that enough. Everyone on Twitter has been amazing, offering their prayers as well. Even people who don't personally know me or my sister are praying for her and for my family. That is amazing. Thank you. If you're curious, I'm updating on Twitter as much as possible, so you can keep up with what's going on there. Also, a CaringBridge page has been started for her, so updates can be seen there as well.

Anna... you're one of the strongest people I know. You'll get through whatever this is, which is hopefully nothing. I know everything will be okay. I'm always here for you and I'm so lucky that you're my sister.

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...