The Post I Never Wanted to Write

June 8 started off like any other day; I got up, got dressed and ready for work. Before I left, I had a conversation with my mom that weighed heavily on my heart. She told me that gone were the days when we could have an actual conversation with Anna; she had been sedated by the doctor yesterday and even though she could probably hear us, she wouldn't be able to respond. She said she thought that every morning before I go to work and every night I should just lay with her so she could feel my presence. So we could spend time together, even if she wasn't awake. That morning, I had a meeting to get to and I was running late so I didn't even say goodbye to her.

Later that day, I got a call from my dad at work saying that I should come home as soon as I can, Anna wasn't doing well. She was having trouble breathing. I didn't understand from the phone call how serious things were until my Uncle Dan came down to the front desk, got the receptionist who I was covering for to come back and told me we needed to get to my house. Only then, did I begin to understand that it was serious to say the least.

When I got home, it was clear things weren't good before I even stepped foot in the room where Anna was. People were in the living room and everyone was crying. I set my stuff down as my other uncle gave me the lay of the land; she wasn't breathing well, and she may not have much longer so I should go back there and be with her. So I went back there. My mom was laying on the bed next to Anna, my dad sitting next to her. They were both crying. My mom's friend was reading the latest Caring Bridge update to Anna. I sat down on the bed next to her feet and watched as she struggled to breathe. She didn't look scared, she didn't look in pain, but it was clear she wasn't doing well.

I wanted to run away. In fact, I did for a minute, to the game room to send a text to my friend (before you judge, please know this is how I cope. I needed my closest friends to know what was going on, to support me). I felt like I was going to throw up. I hugged one of my Aunts who was there and told the people who came in to check on me "I just needed a minute". I said I needed a minute, but what I meant was I needed this to stop. I needed someone to say "April Fools. Anna's fine after all. Don't worry, this was just a scare". Instead, I was told to "be strong", that Anna needed me. My dad came out and told me it was ok to be scared and sad, but that Anna would want me to be there with her. So I went back.

I laid down on the bed next to her and held her limp hand. "I love you, Anna," I whispered to her. "I love you so much." There were so many other words. Just a little bit ago, I had been texting one of her best friends discussing how no matter what happens to Anna we would always be sisters, Anna's friends and I. I wanted to tell her that; tell her that her best friends and I would take care of each other. How they would be like sisters to me, so she didn't have to worry about me. How I would miss her every second of every day of the rest of my life, but I would be okay. My dad had told me that Anna was worried about leaving us, she wanted to make sure my parents and I would be okay, so I wanted to tell her that I would be, even if I wasn't sure if that were true. But as I laid there and watched her struggling to take her last breaths, all I could do was cry. I couldn't speak except to say "I love you".

It wasn't much longer after I got there when she stopped breathing. My mom let out a cry that someone described as a sound that only a mother who has lost their child makes. "I'm not ready to let her go," she cried. I squeezed her hand, wishing I could take away all this immense pain we were all feeling. "She's with God now," my Dad told us. We said a prayer together, hugged each other and cried a lot.

When it happened, my first feeling was relief. Relief that this horribly scary thing was over. Relief that she was no longer in pain. Relief that she didn't suffer. Relief that I was there and got to say the things I wanted to say.

These last couple of days have been a whirlwind of emotion filled with tough decisions about funeral arrangements and casket options. Something parents should never have to think about for their child. Anna's friends have been over here all the time, and personally I am so grateful. They are the piece of Anna I have left and they mean the world to me. Together, we share our memories of her and help her live on through the bonds we have created which have only grown stronger these last 2 days. When something happens, we say "What would Anna say to this?", someone nails it and we all smile, remembering her.

I can't believe she's only been gone for 2 days. It feels like a lifetime. And I know it will last that long. As a sister, I can't help but think of all the events in my life I will have to partake in without my sister. She won't be there to see me graduate next year. She won't be able to decorate my first apartment like we planned. She won't be the Maid of Honor in my wedding. She won't get to meet my children. And of course, she won't get to have any of these moments either, which breaks my heart even more. She missed out on so much of life, but yet she truly made the most of her short 18 years on this earth.

I wish so badly heaven had an elevator or Skype. I just want to see her face again. I miss her face so much it hurts. I miss that beautiful smile of hers. I miss her sarcastic, witty sense of humor. I miss her laugh. I even miss the way she rolled her eyes at me or the way she would get frustrated with me. It is hard to imagine ever feeling okay again when she won't ever be back, but I know one day I'll be able to come to peace with it.

There is so much more to say, to feel and to process. But that will take time. The rest of my life perhaps. I may never be the same, but I will do my best to live with my new normal. One of Anna's favorite songs was "Float On" by Modest Mouse, and there is a picture going around Facebook with some lyrics to this song in remembrance of Anna. It is my phone background, and every time I get sad I read those words; "Alright, don't worry, even if things get a bit too heavy, we'll all float on." I know that Anna would want me to keep floating on and to not be sad. So, that's what I am trying to do. I may not always be able to, and I know being sad is a part of the process so I will allow myself to feel that too.

Anna was truly the best sister I could ask for, and she was my best friend. I will miss her for the rest of my life, but I know that is exactly how long her love will last.

In loving memory of Anna Lee Basso 5/10/93-6/8/11

Tough Questions

Ever since Anna got sick I've had my fair share of tough questions to answer. It seems like people were always asking something I didn't know how to answer. "Is she going to be ok?" Well, I hope so but only God knows that. "What caused this?" According to my google search it's a chromosome thing. I don't really care to know about that, though. I'm focusing on how we're going to beat it. "Have they tried X,Y,Z kind of treatment?" I'm not her doctor, I'm her sister so I don't really know but my family and I are confident in her doctors. And the one that's always the toughest... "How is she doing?" 

The answer, of course, has been different depending on the different stages of this process. When she was getting treated it was like Well she's going through chemo so she's feeling pretty shitty. When she was in the hospital same thing, she's obviously not doing so great if she's in the hospital. And now that things are serious and the doctors have said there is nothing else they can do? I am feeling more confused than ever about how to answer this question. I know that a lot of people genuinely care, but it's hard to pick out the people who really care and really want to know how she's doing from the polite people who in casual conversation say "oh, how's your sister doing?" and aren't expecting a serious, depressing answer.

I remember vividly one time not too long after Anna first got sick, I ran into someone who asked about Anna, told me she was praying, etc. It was really nice but then she asked the question: "How's she doing?" In order to not burst into tears every time someone brought it up, I would usually just answer with a generic "She's good" or "She's hanging in there", which is what I told this lady. I remember she looked at me super seriously and said "Is she? Is she really?" WTF? What do you want me to tell you? Well let's see, she had chemo last week and has been feeling pretty shitty ever since and oh yeah she threw up once or twice, she's also been battling a lot of pain and sleeping a lot. Basically, yeah, she feels awful. No one wants to hear that! Whether it's the truth or not, it's too much information for one person to take in when they are just being nice.

This current situation is very much the same. My family and I are faced with the realities of Anna's declining health on a daily basis. It is what our lives revolve around now. But that is our private battle that we are doing are best to deal with and sharing with family and close friends. It gets complicated when people I'm not super close too ask me how Anna is. The last most of these people heard is that the doctor's weren't sure if there was more they could do. That was at the beginning of May, when I was still in school. Things are worse now. A lot worse. But do I feel like sharing that with every person who tries to be nice? Not really.

I feel like this for many reasons. First of all, it's incredibly difficult to talk about. I don't want to talk about it or think about it but unfortunately it's something I have to try to deal with. Also, I just don't want to launch into a speech about how bad things are when people were just being polite. Not only that, but it is not really my business to tell. Sure, it affects me in a major way but if this were happening to me, I'm not really sure I would want all of Anna's acquaintances to know how badly I was doing.

I feel like it's a catch 20/20- Anna has influenced a lot of peoples lives and they want to know how she is doing. At the same time, what do I share and not share? Do I tell people that she has been hooked up to an oxygen machine because she feels short of breath lately? Tell them that she's spent the last few days sleeping all the time and when she's not sleeping she's in ungodly amounts of pain? Tell them that because she's on a lot of medicine she can't use her hands anymore and therefore can't even send a text message? Where do you draw the line?

What is happening? Sucks. There's no nice, pretty, polite way to say it. It effing sucks. But I'm dealing with it in my own way and I'm not losing hope. I am praying and doing my best to stay positive. And I'm just not sure that I'm ready to open up to the world about what's happening. Maybe someday, but ultimately I know it is my decision who to tell what and who not to say anything to. I just don't want to answer the question because the answer is so hard to face...

How Cancer Has Touched My Life

November 19, 2009 was the day my life changed forever. This was the day that the word "cancer" became synonymous with the word "sister." As in, my then 16 year old sister Anna may have cancer.

I remember when it all started vividly; it was the night before all the craziness began. I was on my way to work and on the phone with my mom. One of the things she told me that stuck with me was that Anna had a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out why she was having hip pain, and that she and my dad were going. This is unusual, so I was surprised and commented (ironically) "this is serious." I really didn't think it was; that's why I said that. Because my sister was an aches and pains kind of girl; something always hurt. So she was having hip pain? Tomorrow she'll get over it, I thought. But I've never forgotten my mom's answer "well, we're hoping it's not." What? I was confused; how could some little hip pain be something serious? It never, not even once occurred me to me that it could be so serious, so life threatening.

The next day is a blur; I was waiting to hear from my mom after the doctors appointment. I remember bits and pieces; I remember that she had a doctor's appointment and the next thing I knew she was in the hospital getting a biopsy. It was hard being so far away, I felt out of the loop and I wanted to be there. I remember my parents were trying not to worry me, so they told me it wasn't serious.

Later that day, I was sitting in my best friend's room checking my facebook when I saw that my aunt had posted on my sister's wall. "I love you," she wrote, "whatever this is you can do it. We'll get through it." "What is she talking about?" I thought. I went to my sister's profile and tons of people had written on her wall. "You can do this," they said. "You are so strong, I know you can fight." Fight? Fight what? At this point, I had no idea that cancer was even a possibility. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read my best friend what people were saying. I called my mom immediately. "Why is everyone telling Anna she can fight and that she'll get through this? What are they talking about?", I asked her through tears. That's when I knew. I knew that this was bad. That it was serious.

It took several days after the biopsy to get an official diagnosis. I went home shortly after that for Thanksgiving break and I remember telling my sister "You probably don't even have Cancer. It's just a scare, you're fine." We both knew I wasn't right, no matter how much we wanted it to be true.

I couldn't sleep for days after the diagnosis. It was cancer. Ewing's Sarcoma, to be exact. And even worse... Stage IV. What was going to happen now? Would she die? The thought of that terrified me and broke my heart into a million pieces.

Two and a half years later, countless chemo and radiation treatments my sister has been through it all. There is no treatment left for her. The cancer is slowly taking over her body but yet her spirit and amazing personality are persevering.

Cancer is an awful thing and it has touched and taken too many lives. Abolish Cancer is an organization that is hoping to change that. They are seeking out the cure for cancer and working to abolish cancer from their lives. Today, they have asked everyone who has been touched by cancer in some way or another to share their story. Together, we will work to abolish cancer!

If you are new here from Abolish Cancer, please sign up to pray for Anna here and read her caring bridge. Anna's battle with cancer is chronicled on my blog here from the beginning.

My amazingly strong sister and I on her high school graduation day.

My Sister, My Friend

Tuesday was a special day in our house; it was my sisters 18th birthday! I know this post is a little long overdue, but there are reasons for that! First of all, she spent her actual birthday in the hospital until about 9:30 that night and she hasn't been feeling well for awhile.

Thursday, she woke up feeling better than she has in a long time. She had a lot of energy and said she was in basically no pain (a huge deal as she has pretty much permanently been in some kind of pain lately). Since she was feeling so great, she declared that today was "meant to be her birthday!" So, we finally opened all her presents and we even had her birthday dinner at Kobe Steakhouse! It was so great to see her feeling so much like herself and pain free.

So the celebration just happened and a birthday post for my sister is a big deal; I couldn't just write down some words and call it a day, I wanted it to be special! Special= a lot of time going into it.

My mom likes to tell the story of how when my sister was born, every time she would cry or make noise, I would say "Let's play a game!" or something to keep the attention on me. I would say this is an accurate portrayal of our relationship; I have always been jealous of my sister. Jealous that she was prettier, skinnier, and the "favorite" of our parents. My irrational jealousy, however, did not stop me from becoming super close to my sister.

For as long as I can remember, my sister and I loved hanging out. When we were younger, we played everything under the sun; we played pretend; teachers, grown ups, teenagers. You name it, we probably did it! Whether we were inside or in the pool or running around outside, we were always together.

We are 3 1/2 years apart, so obviously there were times when the age difference was tough. I will never forget when I was about 13 and she was 10 (give or take a couple years, I'm not sure).  Before that, we spent most of our time together. Once I got older, I started making more friends and going out with them more. My sister didn't understand why I was going out without her and not hanging out with her. I remember feeling so guilty and my heart was just completely broken that I made my sister so sad. Obviously, she got over it and went through plenty of times when she didn't want me around, so it all equaled out!

Throughout the years, although we were close that didn't stop us from fighting. We definitely had our fair share of fights. Over what to watch on TV, who was right and wrong, borrowing each others stuff; you name it, we probably argued over it at least once. There was even the infamous TV remote fight that we still laugh about today; we were arguing over what to watch on TV or something, so she threw the remote at me and hit me in the head! There were even times we said "I hate you", but we both knew we didn't mean it. The one blessing that comes from her being sick is that we fight so much less now. It made me realize that the little things aren't a big deal, and I am much more appreciative of our time together now.

Although we were excited to celebrate her birthday, there was definitely some sadness surrounding the day. Especially because she was in the hospital, a sad reminder of what she is going through and how unknown the future is. The truth is, we don't know if she'll celebrate her 19th birthday. You can say that for anyone, I know, because tomorrow is not a guarantee but it is especially not a guarantee when you have cancer and your treatment has ended. But, instead of focusing on that, I am focusing on the good. That she was surrounded by people who love her when she got home on her birthday, and again Thursday for her birthday dinner. That she felt well enough to celebrate her birthday at all.

Because there just aren't words to accurately describe how I feel about my sister, I am stealing borrowing some from the card I gave her. (Thanks Hallmark!)

There's no friend like a sister

to share life's ups and downs,

To laugh with you and cry with you 

And make smiles out of frowns.

There's no friend like a sister, 

and no sister quite like you-

The kind of friend I'm glad to have 

To love my whole life through! 

"I was thinking just today, About how we used to play Barbie dolls and make-up, Tea parties dress up. I remember how we'd fight, Then make up and laugh all night. Wish we were kids again. My sister, my friend"- Reba McEntire, My Sister

 

Happy 18th Birthday, Anna! I love you!! 

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times...

So I've been a little MIA this week thanks to something I like to call hell week finals week. Needless to say, I've been a little busy wrapping up the semester. But now? I am DONE! Done with my junior year of college and moving on up to the big role of being a SENIOR! (I think I just had a small heart attack just typing that sentence) So, although I am definitely not bummed that school is out for the summer, I am completely bummed (to say the least) to be leaving my friends and my sorority sisters. It definitely makes this a very bittersweet time.

I say this every year, but seriously time flies! I can't believe that I only have a year left of college. I will never forget pulling up in front of my dorm the first time I got to campus, and thinking I had made a huge mistake. I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces and thought surely this whole college thing wasn't for me. If it were up to me, I would've turned that car around and never looked back! Luckily, some cute boys came up and offered to help me with my stuff and I decided I might like it here after all! And guess what?! I did!

I never thought I would end up going to school in Missouri, and sometimes I wish I didn't.  I can't just drive home whenever I feel like it. Instead of piling all my stuff into my car and driving a couple hours, I am struggling to fit everything into two suitcases that can fly home with me. To get home is a long day of traveling from one place to another.

But it is all worth it because my school is my home now. It's my home away from home, it's a place I look forward to going to and a place I hate to leave. It's where my best friends and my sisters are, and those people mean the world to me!

Junior year, like every other year, has been good and bad. I made some great memories, did some great things but all the while dealing with the sad news that my sister was sick once again. I am truly blessed, however, to be where I was while dealing with the sad news. The best therapy I could possibly ask for is just being with my sisters and my friends. They make me smile and laugh so hard my stomach hurts even when I feel like crying! I'm going to miss them so much this summer!!

The end of the year is always hard; you're packing up your stuff to move home for 3 whole months without seeing most of your friends that whole time. It is a sad time. This year, though, is especially sad for a couple reasons. First of all my best friend graduated today. I can't imagine life at school without her, and saying goodbye was so hard! Second of all, as one of my sorority sisters in my pledge class pointed out, this is the last time that we will leave for summer knowing that we will return in the fall. Next summer, when I move out of Alpha Chi Omega, that's it. It will really be over. It is definitely hard to imagine my college days coming to a close.

As I think about the summer, despite the fact that I am so sad to leave my friends, I know home is where I need to be this summer. It's going to be a rough one for my sister and my family, but I feel blessed that I get to be here. To have this time with them. Not everyone gets the luxury of going home for the summer, so I am remembering to count my blessings for the time I get to spend with my family.

So, right now it is truly the best of times and the worst of times. It is so hard to say goodbye to everyone and think about what I'm going to do without seeing them everyday. But, another semester is behind me and I can finally relax and spend much needed time with my family. As a friend texted me today when I was sad about leaving school:

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!" :)

All the great memories that were formed this year! :)

Freshman year 
Sophomore Year 

Bin Laden is Dead... and Facebook reacts.

I'll be honest... I found out that Osama Bin Laden was dead on Facebook. It seems as though the first thing everyone did upon the news breaking was rush to their computers and update their Facebook Status. Facebook was literally overflowing with status updates about the news.

Back in the day when Obama was elected, I compiled the different reactions on facebook into a blog post. When I saw all the statues about Bin Laden's death, I knew I had to do the same. Most were celebrating, some were scary and some were hilarious! Check it out... 

The Celebrations:

•  America!! F Yea!!
• Godbless America and the men and women that caught Osama. 'Merica 
• Special thanks to all our soldiers for their courage and bravery. God bless America! :)
•  ...good to see bad things happen to bad people. 
• Well Done Presidents Bush and Obama, The CIA, US special forces, The Navy seals that killed Osama (I would like to shake your hands), and all our soldiers making us proud over seas. Burn in hell a$$ hole. USA!!!!! 
• Would love to been that small group of americans that took that bitch out!
•  WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS...at least for now...USA!! USA!! USA!!

A lot of them were thought provoking and/or quotes: 

•  It's a little disturbing how many people are celebrating a death with such hateful joy. I'm all for justice, but I'd like to think we're...you know...actually better than/different than the terrorists. That being said: adios, sucka 
• Do I take any pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign LORD. Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live? - Ezekiel 18:23 
• "We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail."- George W. Bush, Speech after 9/11 attacks
•  "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success of liberty." President John F. Kennedy 
• "Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve." -George W. Bush

The Scary:

• evil never dies one leader falls another rises...think about that.
• While OBL might very well be dead, think of what this might mean for our men and women in uniform and for ourselves, when the inevitable backlash occurs. Please keep this in mind while you're popping champagne corks and toasting one another. 
• hey people, just cause he is dead doesnt mean the war is over..... he was ONE person... there are thousands more just like him.

The Funny:

• Autopsy results show Toby Keith's boot inserted into bin laden's rectum 
• Osama Ghost: Well this sucks...I accidentally enabled location on my tweets. 
• I hope Zuck made Facebook strong enough to withstand the day our United States military heroes took out that jack wagon Osama! 
• "I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." (Mark Twain)  
• We should bury Obama and Osama next to each other 
• BREAKING NEWS: Chuck Norris returns from trip to Afghanistan. 
• wrap that in your turban and wear it 
• "We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way." 
• FOX NEWS EMERGENCY UPDATE: New information suggesting that Osama Bin Laden was actually killed 49 years ago and has now been reincarnated into a multi-racial top political official is beginning to surface. 
• I was going to write a status about Bin Laden being dead...but I think Facebook got the message 
• Well, looks like Obama just got himself another 4 years. 
• Bin laden... best player ever in hide and seek... dead. 

There was even a group some of my friends were joining called "cancel finals in celebration of Bin Laden's death"! As college student I have to appreciate that! 


I always say when something big like this happens, if you want to know how people really feel log on to facebook and read their statuses! People don't hold back on Facebook, that's for sure! I was one of the few who didn't update my status tonight, but if I did I would go with the simple and generic "God Bless America." Today, I am proud to be an American!

When Vlogging Goes Wrong

So today, inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop, I decided I would make my very first vlog! I had some free time this afternoon and my roommate wasn't home, so I could do it in the comfort of my own room, so I got to work.

I knew I had to look good for my vlogging debut, so I straightened my hair, put make up on and even made sure to put a blue shirt on because it brings out my eyes! Then, I got my laptop set up and rearranged myself to look the best. I tried all kinds of positions, if you will; sitting up, laying down, putting my computer up a little. Finally I came up with an awkwardly low head tilt thingy* that didn't give me a double chin but I wasn't laying down because that would be weird. So, I was ready.

Well, I guess the vlogging gods were not happy with me, because it was not going well. My first take, I decided to quote the quote that is in my header. Well, I got flustered and totally forgot it. So I had to stop and start again. I figured I could just mesh the two together somehow and go with it. Great plan, right? Yeah, except I guess when I titled my computer lower to reduce the whole double chin thing, it covered up my microphone or something because it recorded without sound. So much for that. This is what I got from that.

Not so interesting when you can't hear me right? Fail #1.

So, not one to give up easily (actually, that's not true but whatever), I tried again. I talked for about 30 seconds, then decided I didn't like it, so I tried again. 3 more times. All 3 times there was no sound. So then, I went on a minor rant about how it wasn't working. Then I was all no one wants to hear you complain. So I scratched that.

Then I did a couple more. And of course, once again it didn't have sound. At this point, I started getting frustrated. I mean, this one was perfect! No double chin? Check. Look pretty? Check. Talked well, told a good story, didn't ramble, etc? Check. Sound? NO CHECK! ugh! Here's a screenshot just in case you didn't believe me that I looked good in this one!

Looking good right?!! Haha I swear I am not usually this obsessed with how I look, but it's my first vlog! I wanted to look cute!

Finally, I thought I had the perfect one! I didn't ramble too much, I looked good. Except, when I went to move it into iPhoto, I realized it only recorded 56 seconds of it. It was supposed to be more like 5 minutes. What!!? Here's the beginning of my vlog, all that got recorded.

It was a pretty good start but obviously incomplete. At this point I was just too frustrated to keep going and my roommate came home so obviously I couldn't keep talking to my computer! Plus, I was late for work so I had to go! I tried again when I got home from work, but by that point I looked tired and I was just not feeling it anymore.

If there is anything I've learned lately with all that is going on with my sister, it is when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. So even though the vlogging thing didn't really work out, I could still make a humorous blog post with my outtakes!

For one final laugh, I love this video. I was testing out my voice before I started and my face at the end of this is priceless! I don't know what I was thinking, I guess that I don't like my voice! I just thought I would share. You have to laugh at yourself once in awhile right?!

So maybe I'll try the vlogging thing again sometime. But for now, this is just one vlog gone very, very wrong!

*When holding your head like this for an hour and a half, you get serious neck pain. Just thought I would share that beauty really is pain!