Goodbyes: Not Easier the Second Time

If you would have asked me at the beginning of this summer if I would be sad to leave home and go back to school, I probably would have laughed at you. "Yeah, right," I would have said, "I can't wait to go back." But now that it's actually real... I'm an emotional wreck! Thursday was my last day of work, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye because I had to rush off to get my hair cut & colored (more on that later, for now see pic here!). So yesterday I went back to see everyone before I left this morning. I've been lucky enough to work at my dad's office the past four summers answering phones & doing other odd jobs. My dad has worked for the company, which was started by his uncle so includes a lot of family members, since I was 1 year old. So a lot of these people I now work with are like my second family; they've watched me grow up. And the others, i've worked with them with several years now, so they've become really good friends! After I left from saying goodbye today, I started tearing up. "What is wrong with me?" I thought. This is not normal! Sure, last year the goodbyes were hard because I didn't know when I would be back, and there was so much unknown. But this year, I have more to look forward to. I'm going back to my sorority sisters & some of my best friends! I shouldn't be sad about that! But I can't seem to shake the feeling of being sad. And it is a familiar feeling; it's the same feeling I had when I was leaving school. So you would think I would be happy to get back there, and it's not that I'm not, but I'm sad, really sad to leave and to say goodbye. And those goodbyes today were only the first; today is another day of more goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my dad and to my sister, and a couple days after that my mom. The other night, in the middle of the night, I started thinking about these goodbyes that were so close & I cried! And those were just the first tears. There were many more to come and still will be I'm sure. It's a weird feeling, this whole leaving thing. As I was packing up my stuff this morning getting ready to go, I felt like I was just going on another trip. That I would be back in a week, or two weeks. But the truth is I don't know when I'll be back maybe in a month maybe in 3, maybe more. And when I think about that truth, the tears come again!

In the end, when I really think about it, I suppose that this is a good thing. Even though the sadness sucks, the fact that I am sad leaving both places means I'm happy both places, and for that I'm so lucky. I'm lucky that I have a great family I don't want to leave. And I'm lucky I have great friends at a great school I also don't want to leave. It's just the goodbyes that kill me... so from now I'll just go with "see you soon," because I know I will. It's not like it's goodbye forever! I just might shed a few tears in between those see you soon's...

My Newfound Career Plan!

Who needs college anyway!? I have my found my new career, starting... immediately! So, sign up now while you can before I get booked! What? You want to know what it is?! Fine I'll tell you! I have decided my new career will be a facebook teacher! You don't know what that is?! Well, it's simple really (well not simple, I mean it's not like anyone could do it. It takes a special kind of person like me!). This summer I have been helping my parents become active facebook users! I know what you're thinking, why would I help my parents get a facebook? Most people don't want their parents on facebook, but luckily I have pretty cool parents & nothing to hide! Plus when I'm at school I want them to stay updated on my life! Anyway, back to the point. Since I have been helping them learn how to use facebook, I have become pretty good at explaining how to do stuff, what everything means, etc. Anyway, yesterday at work my 30-something year old cousin asked me to explain facebook to him, teach him how to use it, that kind of thing... and *bam* my career was born! You see, there's a pretty good market for this kind of thing. Facebook is no longer just for your average college student like myself, it is now for teens, pre-teens & even *gasp* grown ups like my parents! And a lot of these new users need a few little "how-to lessons?," and that's where I come in! I set up a few classes, with step by step how-to's on facebook, with a small charge for each session (my mom has volunteered to manage the financial side of things for my booming business!). And this is just the first step! I can teach you how to blog, how to tweet, whatever you need to know, I'm your girl (for a small fee of course). It's brilliant, right?! And I'll even give you a discount for being my special bloggy friends! :) So, what do you think!? Brilliant, right? I know, I know. You can think me later!

A Bloggy Makeover!

I love a good makeover! Sometimes it just imperative, you know it adds a little pep in your step (I can't believe I just said that! My references are so out of date!), makes you feel a little more confident! Well same goes for blogs! They need & deserve makeovers, too! And mine got one, thanks to Krystyn! I decided it was time for a new look & Krystyn did such a great job with my last blog design, I wouldn't have gone anywhere else! I had no clue what I wanted so I told her just do her thing & I don't think I could be happier! I love it!! So, let me know what you think! And now that my blog is so pretty I'm just gonna be blogging up a storm! And if you're in the market for a new blog design go see Krystyn & she'll take great care of you! Thanks, Krystyn! :)

Trips, hackers, alcohol & some other stuff- Friday Freewrite

I found this awesome new blogger who hosts Friday Freewrites & since I'm out of town this weekend & blogging via iPhone I figured this sounded like the perfect post for me today! So this weekend I'm visiting Rough Creek Lodge in Glenrose, TX for my dads company picnick & in a moment that couldn't be explained as anything other than temporary insanity, I left my laptop at home. So here I sit, blogging via iPhone wishing I had either a)stayed at the lodge (we're staying in the owners house down the road) with my dad & basically every other male member of my family like my uncle & cousins etc & convinced the bar tender to give me some drinks or b) brought my laptop!! Or both. Thank god for iPhones! Speaking of drinks we had a nice family dinner & the waitor asked me if I'd Like a cocktail. Naturally I said yes & ordered my favorite: a margarita! Then the waitor informed me they have a very nice margarita special. It's made with patron & grand marnier. I naturally said "I'll take it!" my review? I've actually had better. It wasn't that fantastic but definitely still good. Anyway remember how much I love trips & how they usually go so well for our family?! Well our road trip out here today was scheduled to take about an hour and a half. Well some geniuses (my dad & grandpa) set the navigation system to take the long way & we ended up taking all the back roads & driving through oak cliff. That was not in the original directions. So our trip ended up taking about 3 hours. Oh well at least we got a nice view of all the back roads! Ha as my dad said "I've always wanted to see what oak cliff looked like!" So apparently the world almost ended yesterday. I mean a hacker tried to take down Twitter facebook & google (& apparently livejournal but who cares about that?! Lol). That couldve been the end to social media as we know it! That would be scary! I may be misinformed (wouldn't be the first time) but I heard it all started with one blogger that the hacker was trying to take out. How much would it suck to be that blogger?! You would need one hell of an apology post, that's for sure! Can you imagine the hate mail you would get?! Like "how dare you cause Twitter to shut down! I had no one tell all the important stuff on my mind to! And as if Twitter wasn't enough you had to try to take down google facebook & livejournal too?! I hope youre happy!" glad I'm not that blogger (really I'm not!"). So this is my last weekend before going back to school. Pretty crazy. After video chatting with a few of my sorority sisters the other night I was a little More excited to go back. Something about seeing their faces again & catching up on stuff made me really ready to get back to staying up late & chatting & laughing. It will be really great to see everyone again. Well I'm about out of things to say for now so until next time, people!

"Are You Excited?"

I hear this almost everyday at least twice a day, probably more. It usually follows the question "When do you go back to school?" As soon as I answer, it always always follows "Are you excited?" This is where the dilemma is. I know the answer everyone is expecting. I know I'm supposed to say "yes! I can't wait! I'm so excited!" The truth? I don't know how I feel. Of course I want to see my friends, of course I'm looking forward to seeing them again, but excited? Not really. Not yet, anyway. When I think about this question, and how I'm supposed to react, it reminds me of an episode of Sex & the City (work with me, it's not what you think!) when Miranda finds out she is pregnant with a boy. She knows what the ultra sound tech is expecting; for her to get all excited! So, in her words, she fake orgasms. She acts all excited, saying "a boy! oh boy oh boy!" because that's what is expected of her even though she wasn't really feeling that way. This is how I feel when people ask me if I'm excited to go back to school. I feel like they expect me to shout for joy, maybe jump up & down with excitement. I mean, can you imagine if someone said "are you excited to go back to school?" and my response was "eh... not really."? I realize that most people that ask this are just being polite, and don't actually expect me to go into a long, deeply thought out answer. Which is exactly why I smile & "fake it" so to speak & say "Yes, I'm so excited!" Don't get me wrong. I love where I go to school. I love my friends. It's just hard for me to go back & forth, and it's hard for me to be excited. It takes me awhile to adjust to a new situation. It's the same coming home from school; when I first get home my parents are all giddy & excited I'm home & I'm thinking getmeoutofhereandbacktoschoolNOW! But pretty soon it starts to feel normal again, and I know that's how it will be once I get to school. It will take a little getting used to at first, but then it will be normal again, and I won't want to come home because I'm so happy there. Like I said here and here and probably 10 other times, I am lucky to be at a school where I'm happy. So, for now, when I get asked if I'm excited, I'll continue to fake it. I'll smile & nod my head & maybe even jump up and down like an idiot (ok, probably not), but inside hold tight to the knowledge that one day soon I will be excited, and won't be able to imagine a time when I wasn't. Or maybe I'll just answer "read my blog"!

23 Days: A Year Later

A year ago, I wrote this post entitled 23 days about how close I was to making that final step in the transition from high school to college, and how scary that is. Now, a year later, I am back at that mile stone; the 23 days mark. (actually, a little bit past that, but work with me, people!) The overwhelming feeling, although I have many others too, is I can't believe I'm back here already! I remember writing that post so well. I remember those feelings of being unsure of what the future will hold for me. I remember being scared of those friendships that I had at the time, and what would happen to them? And now, a year later, it feels weird. In my post last year, I mentioned a get-together with students & alumns from Dallas that go to William Woods. Yesterday, I was back there again, only this time I was the one with the answers, with the advice for those new students feeling probably a lot like I did a year ago. That is weird. It definitely went by fast; it feels like yesterday I was writing this post about school ending. I remember that feeling of sadness the whole week before school let out. I remember wondering how I would ever survive the summer without my friends! Those friendships I was once so scared of losing have been lost, but replaced with better ones. I am lucky to be going back to a place I love and to people I love, even though I am leaving behind other people I love as well. Part of me is sad. I have had a great summer & have been blessed to be able to spend a lot of time with my family & strengthen those bonds. I'm going to miss them a lot, but I know I'll see them soon. Part of me is also scared. There is a lot at stake this semester... to be honest my grades weren't great at the end of the year. So non-great in fact, that if they aren't great or at least better this year, I'm basically screwed. Which is scary, of course. I want to believe I can do it, I'm capable of so much more than what I have done so far, but it's hard not to play the "what if" game. What if I can't do it? What if I try, and fail? Also, going back brings out some insecurities. Will they still like me?! Will they think know I got fatter? And, the hardest part for me is the back & forth. I like my comfort zones, & I don't like leaving them! But, I am doing my best not to focus on that, and instead focus on the things I am excited for, the things I have missed. My friends and sorority sisters, of course. Shower parties! Meeting and befriending new people. Partying (not too much of course!), and lots more. I know that it won't take hardly any time at all for me to feel comfortable again, and it will be like we never left! I have said it before, and I'll say it again! I am so lucky to be at a place I love & to have found friends I love. This is the most important thing, because above all else, I love where I go to school & I really love my friends & sorority sisters, so I know going back to school will be great despite all the insecurities & worries & whatever else! I just can't believe it's already been a year!

My Heart is Heavy...

It is hard to put into words the relationships we have with one another as bloggers because it is truly unique. The fact is, most of us don't know each other in person. Most of us have never met. But all of that is irrelevant because day in and day out, we read each others inner thoughts & feelings. We are there for the funny stories & the pictures of kids & families. We connect to each other in a way that is really special. That is why when one of us is hurting, we are all hurting. We feel as though we know these families, as if they are our IRL friends. This is why blogging is so special; we as bloggers can get the word out there that someone is hurting, that someone needs our thoughts, our prayers, and our words. Today, more than ever, this bond we share is needed. There are people out there who need us more than ever. And because we aren't there to hold their hands, give them a shoulder to cry on or just talk, all we can do is send thoughts & prayers, and encourage others to do the same. So today, I am asking you, my bloggy friends who are so special to me, to please keep the following families in your thoughts & prayers today. The first family that needs us today is one many of you are probably familiar with. You may recognize this button:

People all over the world were praying for Stellan, this very sick little boy, before he was even born. He was not supposed to survive the pregnancy; he has a heart defect that causes him to be in SVT, which means his little heart beats way faster than it should, which could lead to heart failure. Today, Stellan is hospitalized & is quickly deteorating. Things are not looking good for him, which is why he needs our thoughts & prayers more than ever. Mckmama, Stellan's mom, is updating via her Twitter page, so check there for updates. The next family is the Riggs family.

This adorable little girl, Abby, has leukemia, so sadly she is used to being hospitalized. This time is different, though. Abby is in the hospital with a serious infection which could lead to serious organ failure or may already have. And finally: Phillip is Amy's son with a brain mass. He's had 19 brain operations, and even more orthopedic operations. He has been suffering through countless seizures and has even had at least one stroke. Currently, his meds to keep his pain under control and to prevent seizures are not helping, and it looks like he is going to need another brain operation. For updates, see his Caring Bridge Site or Amy's blog. I could go on and on about how much these families need, but I know you know. I wish there was something more I could do for them, but instead I am passing this information on to you all, hoping that you will think of them during these difficult times. It's times like these when so many people are hurting and dealing with life or death situations, that all else seems insignificant. I simply could not post about my vacation I'm returning from tonight or the fun times I've been having with these people who are struggling in the back of my mind. So today, I offer my blog post to these people and families with a heavy heart while I continue to hope & pray for better things to come for them.