15.6.11

One Week

One week ago today, my sister went to be with God in heaven. One week. Normally such a small, insignificant amount of time but in this case it feels like forever.

This past week has been filled with emotions I hoped to never have to experience; anger, regret, sadness, disbelief and so much more. This past week has been filled with events I hoped to never have to attend; a memorial at mine and Anna's alma mater, her visitation and funeral. This past week has been one of the worst of my life, and yet I know I have only just begun the grief process.

Monday night at her visitation, several people got up and spoke about her life. One of which being my Uncle Dan. He started out his speech with "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" and went on to explain that this is how he felt in regards to Anna's death. In a word, angry. To say he is alone in these feelings would be ridiculous, however, I am not one who shares these feelings. I completely understand why other people would feel angry and perhaps as I continue this grieving process, I will be later on. But for now? How could I be angry? And whom should I be angry with? God? What good does that do me? What good does being angry at all do me?

Am I upset that we lost Anna? More than I can say. Do I miss her? Every minute of every day. But am I angry? No.

I have known for awhile that Anna's life was coming to an end. Especially in the last week or so of her life; things were declining fast, and I knew it wouldn't be much longer. So, instead of praying for God to heal her (although I still desperately hoped he would) I prayed for understanding. If God was going to take her from us, there had to be a reason. A damn good one, I'm sure. So, I prayed for him to grant me the understanding of what exactly that plan was. To show me why he needed her more than we do here on Earth. And I believe that after her death, he truly opened my eyes and showed me what he needed her for.

Her purpose here on Earth was to touch peoples lives and to inspire people to be better. I have seen first hand in the past week how many lives she touched and inspired. People she's never met and who have never met her are inspired by her. They just hear her story and are inspired. First, it was the memorial at our high school. People got up and spoke about their memories with Anna and how they were better for knowing her. Even people who didn't know her spoke about how they wish they would've gotten the chance and they felt so disadvantaged for not knowing her. And even though they didn't know her, they too were inspired by her. The outpouring of people that showed up for the memorial and the funeral Monday and Tuesday made it clear how many lives she touched. People from all over loved her.

Did she have to die for that? Couldn't she have continued to touch lives from here on Earth? I don't know. I have no doubt that she would continue to touch lives, but all of us here on Earth are better off for knowing her. Now it's time for her to touch some people up and heaven and live out whatever other big plans God has for her because I'm sure he has some.

So although my heart is broken and I wish she didn't have to die, I am not angry. I'm sad. I miss her. I wish she could come back, but be healthy. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday I saw her beautiful face, that we were laughing together and gossiping about boys. In other ways one day without her feels like forever, so a week feels like a lifetime. I will miss her forever. I have a lot more grieving to do, I am sure but I have no doubt that Anna has given her strength to me and that is what's helping me get through this.


This video was made in honor of Anna, by her great friend. It was played at the memorial and it is a great representation of what a wonderful life she lived. She will be missed by all, but will continue to touch lives, no doubt about it.

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11 comments:

Amanda said...

You show so much strength in your writing, it inspires me. I know that Anna is looking down on you and is so proud to be your sister--as you are proud to be her's. The slideshow at the end brought me to tears ... even though I did not know her. Thank you for sharing it, it truly was beautiful.

Saf ♥ said...

I said this in your last post, and I'll say it again...

Anna is beautiful. Absolutely stunning.

Seeing the baby pictures of her made my heartache for your parents...I can only imagine how they feel every time they see her photos...

Anna will be missed dearly... by your family and the world...

It saddens me that such a beautiful girl was taken from this earth so soon before she even got a chance to make a different in this world ... Just know that she is watching over you and she needs your prayers.

Thanks for sharing the clip with us, it was beautiful.

Wishing strength for you and your family,
xo ♥

- saf

Jenny said...

You said it perfectly...everyone has a purpose here. Your sister sounds like she touched so many without even trying. A wonderful gift she is. This process is not easy...but you sound like you have gained Anna's strength. I'm here if you ever need to chat.
An amazing video of your sister...

Mere said...

Your posts and amazing strength are an inspiration. You and your little sister are both gorgeous people.

I know Anna is looking down with her set of wings and is so incredibly proud of you!

xoxo
Mere

Running 365 said...

I'm praying for you and your family. You are so strong and are going through this with such grace.

Tiffany said...

Your sister was absolutely beautiful and that video is perfect. Praying for you and for your family.

~Tiffany
http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com

Counselor Musings said...

I just went back and read your last few posts. My heart is deeply aching for you and I type this with tears in my side. I'm so sorry for your pain and heartache. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts- I think it's beautiful when people are able to share both their joy and their pain- it's a little gift to the world. Your sister is absolutely beautiful, and will continue to be an inspiration to many throughout their lives. Her memory can continue to live on through each of you. Many prayers for you, your family, and friends. Please know that i'm available as a listening ear if you need to talk. if you'd like any resources, ideas on how to grieve in a healthy manner, or books to read, I can always send some your way. Let me know if you need anything, and in the meantime, I'll be praying daily for you!

Celine said...

Patrice, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Anna is so beautiful and she sure inspired a lot of lives.

Your strength amazes me, you're such a beautiful and caring person.

I know I hadn't stopped on your blog in a while but just wanted to tell you how much I admire you.

Stay strong, you're amazing.

Rebecca Louise. said...

I just loved that video. She packed so much FUN into her 18 years!

Holly said...

Beautiful video! Thanks for sharing Anna with us. :)

Carina the Blogarina said...

wow! that video made me cry.. Such a beautiful girl, and from what I understand from you post she must have been super strong! And lucky to have such a great group of friends who organize all this stuff for her. All those flowers, how nice. What's the significance behind floatin'?

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