The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

It's that time of the year, the time that has been described as "the most wonderful time of the year" and the "happiest season of all". Normally, I would be in agreement with both of those phrases. This year? I am struggling to get into the Christmas spirit. 

I have known since losing Anna that this would be the hardest holiday. That we could get through Thanksgiving. We could get through the anniversaries of her death (although those are pretty hard too). But I knew Christmas would be hard. Christmas was the one time a year that we had so many traditions the 4 of us as a family. And a lot of these traditions involved things Anna and I did together. I couldn't imagine doing this holiday without her. And yet... here we are. Celebrating Christmas without her. 

I wish so badly that we spent the night together Christmas Eve night, like we do every year. That we would wake up in the morning and see what Santa left us. That we would be together. 

It doesn't help that when I think of last Christmas, which turned out to be our last Christmas together, I am filled with regret. For whatever reason, I was crabby and grumpy when we were decorating our Christmas tree together. I didn't take the time to be thankful for these memories or to appreciate the fact that we were all together. On Christmas Eve, Anna and I always spent the night together in my room. We didn't have slumber parties very often, so this was one of my favorite traditions. Last year, we got in a fight... over what to watch on TV. If you spent much time with the two of us, this wasn't surprising at all. Not only did we fight a lot, but we also fought over the TV a lot; it was just something that was hard for us to agree on for whatever reason. I don't remember the details, but she got frustrated and went to bed... in her room. And I was too stubborn to say I'm sorry so she would come sleep in mine like usual. 

What I would give to have a do-over on that night... if she would come back, I would let her watch whatever she wanted on TV. I hate myself for fighting over such a petty, stupid thing. Do I think that she spent every night after that thinking "God my sister is such a bitch" or "she ruined christmas"? No, not at all. Anna and I fought, but we were also really good at getting over it and moving on quickly. That one fight (or any of our fights) didn't define our relationship. I know that. But it hurts to think that was my last chance to carry on these traditions with her and I ruined it. 

Last Christmas, we just found out that Anna had relapsed and that she would need chemo again. The future was so unknown, but we didn't stop hoping. However, it wasn't far from my mind that Anna was sick. I remember laying in bed that night, already regretting our fight, and thinking "this could be our last Christmas together...". But just as quickly as the thought entered my mind, I made it go away. "That's not going to happen," I reassured myself, trying to make the feeling of panic go away. "She's going to be fine." How badly I wish that were true... 

I miss her. I miss our traditions. I miss the way Christmas used to be. But I know that Anna wouldn't want us to spend our holiday being sad. She never wanted anyone to be sad. And as hard as it was, I did it. I made it through the holiday that I didn't want to happen. 

Did I wake up on Christmas morning and think about what I would be doing if Anna were still here? Yes. Did I wish that we were sitting at the top of our stairs together, waiting to be given the "ok" to see what Santa left us? Yes. But, I did it. I didn't spend the whole day feeling sad. I didn't dwell on what was or what could've been had things turned out differently (well, not much anyway). Instead, I counted my blessings. I was thankful to be spending the day with my family, both immediate and extended and our friends who are like family. 

Although I would have liked to learn these lessons an easier way, I have learned so much from losing Anna. I truly appreciate all the relationships I have in my life and I do my best not to take moments for granted. I took last Christmas for granted, and now I regret it. Was I in a great mood the whole time this Christmas? No! Did I have my moments where I was less than in the Christmas spirit? Absolutely. But would I have appreciated all these moments before? I don't know. 

I found this poem on another blog awhile ago, and saved it for this specific holiday. There are a lot of versions of this poem and a lot of similar poems out there, but this one gave me a lot of comfort because I feel like it is exactly what Anna would say if she could talk to us.


My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights like Heaven's stairs,
reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift
more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I know that Anna is up in heaven smiling because she is pain free, she's experiencing so many awesome things and because she's proud of us for not only being strong but continuing to live out her legacy. 

Anna and I at Christmas Eve dinner last year in our matching pajamas :)

I Love Christmas!

Who doesn't love Christmas?! As the song goes, "It's the most wonderful time of the year." Christmas is obviously great. I may be biased, but personally I think it's especially great at my house! Our family traditions are what makes Christmas extra special and extra great in our house. Every year, I look forward to the same things and I know they will still be the same the next year and the next!

It kind of looks like it's snowing outside, but I promise there was no white Christmas in Dallas!

Our traditions start, of course, on Christmas Eve!
Every year, after we go to mass, as soon as we come home we get our "Christmas jammies"! This is so exciting to put on our jammies while we wait for dinner and we wake up ready for Santa in the morning dressed in our Christmas jammies! My sister and I usually match, too, which is fun and a flashback of our younger years when we usually matched!

I know it's blurry, but it's the only picture we have of our pj's! I wanted one of us in them, but it didn't happen.

Our dinner Christmas Eve is also one of my favorite traditions, as it is also one of the most delicious! We have home made, green pasta with salmon and tomato sauce; it's red and green so it's festive and it is seriously so, so good! Definitely one of my favorite meals of all time. (Sadly, no picture of this. I was too busy eating to remember to take a picture!)

Then, Christmas Eve night my sister and I usually spend the night together so we can wake up in the morning and see what "Santa" left. This year was sadly the first year we didn't do that, but I did wake up her in time to go open presents! We are instructed what time we can get up (it gets later every year as we get older, this year it was no earlier than 10 which was fine by us!), and we call our parents when we're ready. We wait at the top of the stairs for the "ok" to come down! We see what Santa left first and then we open the rest of the presents!

This is me, checking out what I got! haha

The aftermath of present opening! We pretty much destroyed our living room.

The rest of the day is my favorite way to spend Christmas; doing absolutely nothing. If we change out of our pajamas, the day is a fail. We stay in our pajamas all day long, and just relax! It's greatness.

This is what I was doing all day; laying on the couch with my laptop of course in my jammies!

My dad cooks another amazing dinner Christmas night; Beef Wellington and for dessert, Chocolate souffle. I don't even really like beef, but this is amazing. It is beef filled with puff pastry and just so, so yummy! We only eat this like once or twice a year, so it's really special!

Yumm!!

That concludes the Basso family Christmas traditions! I hold these traditions so close, and I think it's something that we all look forward to! I hope that these traditions can live on through the years and maybe one day my sister and I will share these with our families! Merry Christmas to you all, I hope your day was wonderful!

The Best Things In Life Are Free...

En route to Dallas today to go home for the holiday's, I learned a couple lessons. First of all, traveling is not cheap. Here's my breakdown for the day:

Lunch on the way to the airport: $7
Earphones for plane: $20
Gas money for my fabulous sorority little sis who drove me to the airport: $10
Starbucks (very necessary part of my travel experience!): $5
Magazines: $10
Dinner: $10
Beer (check that off the list of things I've wanted to do as a 21 year old citizen- have a beer at the airport!): $6
Plane ticket (ok I didn't actually pay for this myself, but I figured I may as well include it): $100+
However...

Finally being home and getting to spend the holidays with my family: Priceless

Second lesson of the day? The best things in life are free, as they say, and being home with my family for Christmas is definitely worth any amount of money! Free? Maybe not so much, but priceless.. for sure!


p.s. Sorry for being a total absentee blogger as of late. It's been a combination of not really knowing how to follow up my last post and writer's block. I hope that this will launch my comeback! Hopefully some of you are still around to read what I have to say!

'Tis the Season to be Jolly...

It’s Christmas time, and as the song goes, it’s the time to be jolly, right? Well needless to say, we haven’t exactly spent the last couple of months at my house being “jolly”, nor has it been easy to jump right into the Christmas spirit. When someone you love is sick, it’s hard sometimes to focus on other things, and it's too easy to focus so much on the fact that it sucks that Anna is sick, so we might forget how much we have to be grateful for.

This Christmas is certainly not a “normal” Christmas. Our Christmas tree is a tiny, fake tree and is pretty much ornament-less. Our house is not decorated for Christmas, like it has been every other year. My sister is certainly not feeling “normal” with her hair falling out and battling nausea off and on. The fact that our family has been in and out of the hospital in the last couple months is certainly not normal. The fact that we didn’t manage to send out Christmas cards to friends in family is certainly not normal. The fact that we never made it to church is not normal. The fact that I am traveling by myself this Christmas to visit family instead of our whole family going is not normal.

However, even though we have these abnormalities this Christmas, there is so much greatness this season. The fact that we have so many people praying for my sister and our family; friends, family and even strangers. The beautiful tree in our front yard, Anna’s “Angel Tree” started by dear friends to surprise Anna when she came home one night, covered in ornaments donated by friends and family to symbolize their prayers. The fact that although the inside of our house may be lacking Christmas decorations, that our house is lit up beautifully on the outside, a wonderful gift of time and effort by the amazing people and family my dad works with. The fact that my sister is home, and feeling mostly good and can celebrate Christmas like normal and not in the hospital. The fact that even though Santa’s elves in our house have been a little busy as of late, Santa still managed to come to our house, and bring great joy to us all. The fact that thanks to a great bloggy friend we are sending happy new year cards, and spreading the knowledge that 2010 is going to be a great year of healing for us. The fact that I am able to go to South Carolina to represent our family and celebrate the season with my grandparents, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. The fact that we are all together, that we have each other. That we experienced the first White Christmas in Dallas in 83 years, which as a great family friend pointed out is the sign of miracles.

I remember reading MckMama’s blog back when her baby son Stellan was so sick, and her post about their families “new normal”.  A lot of that is what we are experiencing now. Although a year ago, this Christmas would not be considered normal, this is our new normal. We are learning to roll with the punches, play the hand we are dealt, make lemonade out of the lemons we’ve been dealt. This is a new, but temporary, normal. This is normal for now, and with God’s help, next year at this time things will be back to the old normal. All the familiar signs of the season will be back, and all the signs of a family struggling through a hard time will just be memories of this year.

Most importantly, we had a wonderful Christmas Eve and a wonderful Christmas, spending quality time just the four of us, enjoying amazing meals, and just enjoying each others company. That is reason enough, in my opinion, to be jolly this Christmas season.

Our house, with our beautiful Christmas lights and snow on the ground! (Sorry for the poor quality, it was taken on my iPhone. Also, this picture doesn't include the beautiful Angel Tree... I was just trying to get the snow on the ground, and this was the part of the house most lit up!)


 Merry Christmas to you all & your families! :)