Dear Anna (Letter 5)

Dear Anna, 

It’s been 6 weeks since you left us and I still can't believe it. I know you’re not coming back, but I will never stop wishing. I will never stop hoping that one day I’ll wake up and realize this was all a dream. In the last 6 weeks, I have learned a lot and felt a lot of things that I have never felt before. I have mostly learned a lot about grief. The thing I learned is that you don’t know when to expect the grief that is inevitable when you lose someone you love so much.  Even though you feel it on some level all the time, you don’t feel it fully all the time. You feel it fully when you least expect it. I always miss you, but I never know what will make me miss you even more.

So far these are some of the things that have snuck up on me, making me wish so badly you weren’t gone.

When I’m on the airplane and it gets bumpy, I miss you grabbing onto my arm and looking at me with your big, beautiful blue eyes in fear. I always told you it was fine and I didn’t know why you were freaking out, but secretly I loved it. You were so independent and strong; it wasn’t often that you had to lean on me. In those few rare moments that you grabbed onto me out of fear, I got to feel like the protective older sister, like I could save you from your fear and that feels pretty awesome.

It was the same thing when it would storm outside. You would often crawl into my bed in the middle of the night because it was storming really badly outside and you were scared. Once again, I got to comfort you and be there for you. I would never admit it, but those loud thunders often made my heart race really fast too and so not only was I comforting you when you crawled in bed with me, but you comforted me too. It makes me feel pretty amazing that your safe haven was in bed with me, Anna. That speaks a lot about our relationship.

Last week, as I was packing to go to our annual beach trip, I missed you so much. Who would’ve thought an uneventful act such as packing would make me miss you so much? But you were my packing buddy! When we went on vacation together, Mommy would make us our packing list and we would hang it up in the hall between our rooms and we would pack together. Remember how sometimes I would just make piles of my stuff and you would organize it and put it all in my suitcase for me? I no longer have my packing buddy, and packing without you was so lonely.

When Mommy, Daddy and I were in Illinois and at the beach last week I spent a lot of time with our cousins. I loved spending time with them and having fun days out but I couldn’t stop thinking about how you should be there with us. I thought about all the funny jokes you would be telling and how we would all be laughing at you. When we played cards at the beach, I thought of all the times you begged to play cash. “I hate that game,” I would tell you. And I do. But only because you always win! I would gladly play cash with you all day everyday if you would come back…

Today I left to go to Missouri for the weekend to spend some time with my friends. As I left, I thought of all the times I’ve done this before; traveled from Dallas to Missouri. I thought of all the times that I was leaving to go back to school after being home and how I would come in your room and whisper good bye to you. “I’ll miss you,” I would say and I would always cry. It broke my heart to leave you every time. Even after 3 years of college, it never got easier to leave you. “I love you, Iss,” you would tell me and we would hug. “Call me soon,” you’d say. I promised I would, but how often did I actually call? I would just send you a text and let you know I landed and that I miss you, but then we’d go weeks or even months without talking. That’s my biggest regret, Anna. Sometimes when I left you’d even give me advice about whatever we’d talked about while I was home. Boys, or my friends or whatever it was, you’d tell me what to do and I loved your advice. I wish so badly you were here to talk to me about this trip; there are so many things I want to tell you and want to hear your advice on.

I started reading “Heaven is For Real” today. I need to know that heaven really is for real. I need to know that is where you are and that you are doing great. I know you are because you’re not in pain anymore and that is the one thing I keep reminding myself when I miss you. I think of how sick you were and how it broke my heart to see you like that and how happy you must be to finally be free of pain and healthy again.

Yesterday, I was trying to delete some videos off my phone because I’m running out of room and I came across this video of you and Katherine in the kitchen being your usual silly selves. You guys were playing music and dancing and laughing at each other and I remember watching you and just laughing and laughing. I sent the video to Katherine a few weeks ago and she said it made her miss you a lot. I understand now that I watched it. You had the biggest smile on your face. You looked so happy.  And I heard your voice. And my heart stopped a little. I haven’t heard your voice in so long, and I miss it. I miss talking to you.

I miss everything about you, Anna and even though I am being strong it still hurts to know you’re gone forever. Never again will I have the kind of relationship that I had with you. There is nothing like the bond of sisters; nothing like growing up together and having literally a lifetime of memories. I told you things I didn’t tell anyone else. You were the first person I wanted to talk to when something exciting in my life happened. What do I now without you? I will always miss you, Anna, and sometimes when I least expect it. But no matter what, I am better because of you. I will continue to make you proud of me and I will continue to float on without you… even if it is hard.

I love the raw emotion here. I miss that laugh so much....

Dear Anna (letter 4)

Dear Anna,

I wrote to you on facebook last week and I told you that this week would be the one I would miss you the most. I am sad to say that is true. I know you here with us at the beach, but it is so hard to not have you here physically. This place is full of memories with you, memories of us spending time together and spending time with our family. It breaks my heart to think we won't have any more of those memories.

From the minute that we got here to the beach house, I found myself turning around looking for my beach week companion. Looking for the person who was my refuge when I needed a break from the family. Looking for the person who was my other half this week. We didn't always spend a lot of time together when I was home for the summer because we were busy living our own lives, but this for one week every summer we had no choice; we were stuck together at the beach. I have so many great memories from this week; playing cards, laughing at Mommy, and just being together. Even though we may have spent half the week fighting, we always got over it and went back to being friends. And that right there sums up our relationship; we didn't get along all the time. We didn't always see eye to eye. It wasn't all "I love you" all the time. But we both knew how much we meant to each other and no matter what, we remained friends. Even though I regret wasting the time I had with you fighting, I would gladly argue with you if it meant I could have you back here.

Today, I talked to someone about how I felt guilty for not being sad all the time. I miss you so much but for some reason I'm just not sad as much as I feel like I should be. In fact, sometimes I find myself picking other people up when they aren't feeling strong, when they miss you like crazy. I find myself being the one to comfort them and I know that is you working through me. That is exactly how you were; always putting other peoples feelings ahead of yours. That is why you never told your friends that you were dieing. You didn't want them to be sad. That is pretty amazing, Anna. Still, sometimes I feel guilty and confused by the fact that I am not the one falling apart. I have my moments like everyone else, of course, but for the most part I am ok. And that confuses me. Why am I ok? Why can I function without you when I never imagined I would be able to? I don't know. I know that I loved you and I know that you knew that, so why does it matter? I don't know. Anyway, my friend I talked to about this told me that it's because you have a special place in my heart and that brings me comfort instead of grief. I think he said it perfectly; you will always be in my heart and on my mind and I think you gave me the ability to be strong without you. Thank you for that, Anna.

Tonight was family picture night at the beach and it was one of the hardest things that we've had to do without you. It was heartbreaking to turn around and realize you weren't there. It was heartbreaking to have to take our individual family picture as a family of 3 and not 4. It was heartbreaking that there are now 7 grandchildren in the picture, not 8. It was heartbreaking that you weren't here for us to take our sisters pictures together. Remember 2 years ago at the beach Mommy took so many of us and we were laughing at her the whole time?! I miss that. I miss you, Anna.

I still can't believe you're gone and that you've been gone for 4 weeks. I can't believe it's been almost a month. I can't believe that I have to live the rest of my life without you.

Sometimes, I think about what life would be like if you were still here and every time, I don't wish for you to still to be and be sick; I wish that you would've never gotten sick. I know that if you were still alive right now, you'd be miserable. Your health was so bad at the end, that there's probably no way you would've even made it to the beach. It was so hard to see you suffer, and it gives me so much comfort knowing that you are no longer in pain. But it doesn't stop me from missing you. And it doesn't stop me from wishing that you'd never gotten sick because then not only would you be here with us, but you'd be healthy and able to live your life to the fullest.

I know why God chose you, and I am proud that he chose you because of the impact you had. Because you could handle it with the amazing grace that you did. Because you are just the kind of Angel that heaven needed. I understand why he chose you; that he had a plan for you but I still miss you.

I wish we could have one last conversation. One last hug. One last "I love you". Share one last laugh. One more day just to be together. But we can't. So, I'll do what I know you would want me to do; be strong. Keep floating on.  Just for you Anna...

I love you, and I miss you.

Love,

Iss.

At the time I hated this picture, because I have like 3 chins, but now it is such a special memory and a great representation of our bond as sisters. <3 I miss that laugh...

3 Weeks (PYHO)

Dear Anna,

I'm really enjoying writing these letters to you. It is really helping me deal with my feelings about you being in heaven and not here with me. I hope you're not rolling your eyes thinking I'm lame or too cheesy but even if you are, at least you're getting my letters! On my last letter to you, someone told me I probably don't even have to ask God to pass on my messages to you; that I probably have a direct line to you and I think she's right. I think I can communicate straight to you, and I'm glad.

I can't believe you've been gone 3 weeks now. The day that you went to heaven is permanently embedded in my mind; in some ways, it feels like just yesterday. In some ways, I wish I didn't have that memory of you when you stopped breathing. No matter how hard I try not to think about it, I can't erase that from my mind and in some ways I am afraid that that memory will take the place of the good ones. In some ways, I am scared that I won't remember the good times because towards the end they were so few and far between. In some ways, it is hard to remember a time when you were healthy and you were truly yourself.

Lately, I keep doing things that I feel like I should be doing with you. Last week, your friends and I watched Almost Famous, your favorite movie. I definitely saw why it was your favorite movie; you are Penny Lane! I remember when Mommy told you that after you met Manchester Orchestra and they invited you to Lollapalooza and Daddy said "no!!! She's not ready for that yet!" ha! After seeing the movie, I see why that scared him so much! But I definitely see that in you; you were a total "Band Aid". It made me so happy to see your favorite movie and to understand why you loved it so much (even though I still don't understand why "It's All Happening" is your favorite quote??), but at the same time it made me so sad that I didn't ever get to experience that with you. I keep telling myself that we were different people; we liked different things and that's ok. I know it didn't make us any less close just because we didn't share the same taste in music. But I wish I would've made more of an effort to at least let you tell me about the bands you were listening to or to have watched Almost Famous with you. I feel like I would've known you better if we had shared that and maybe we would even bond over it. I'm making an effort now, even though I can't do it with you, to learn about the stuff that you loved. I made a Manchester Orchestra Pandora station and I am learning about the music you love! I guess it's my way of carrying you with me.

You taught me so many important lessons, Anna. And not just me, but everyone around you has learned from you. At the JP2 memorial, everyone spoke about how little their problems mattered in comparison to what you went through and it is so true. You showed us that the little things are not big things and that even when you're faced with big things you can triumph and not let it get you down.

I'll always remember a time last year when we were at the Beach. We were getting ready together for family pictures and I was complaining the whole time; "I look fat in this outfit. My make up looks crappy. My hair isn't cooperating." "Why do you care so much," you asked me. "I'm just really insecure," I told you, "I know you wouldn't understand what that's like." I didn't mean it, but I was always so jealous of how skinny and pretty and seemingly perfect you were. I couldn't imagine that you'd ever felt insecure. You shot back, "Yeah, I have no idea what it's like to be insecure." I realized what I had just said and how wrong I was. This was the first time you'd seen people since you started treatment. I looked at you and saw your wig that was covering a completely bald head. Your fake eyelashes that hid the fact that yours had fallen out. Your acrylic nails that covered up yours which were completely dead from chemo. Your eyebrows that were penciled in where yours used to be. These were all physical testaments to the fight for your life, but they were also all things to be insecure about. That day, I realized I may be insecure about my weight and my looks. I may not feel pretty all the time but at least I have hair. At least I am not fighting like hell just to stay alive.

I know I've said it before but I'm not angry that you're gone. In a way I feel blessed. God knew his plans for you. He knew he was gonna take you to heaven and make you an angel. He knew you would be sick and need a lot of love and care and he chose us. He chose me and mommy and daddy to be your family and be by your side through this journey. He chose all your friends because he knew they would make you forget your pain and they would feel it with you too. It is pretty amazing to think that God gave you to us knowing your ultimate fate. For that I will be eternally grateful because I would not be who I am today if you weren't my sister.

Yesterday, I was asked if I have kids someday how I will tell them about you. What will I say that will help them feel like they know the Aunt they'll never get to meet? I thought a lot about it and you know what I'll tell them, Anna? I'll tell them that you are my hero. That you're the strongest person I've ever met. That you are the most beautiful person I've even known both inside and out. That you inspired millions of people and millions of prayers were said for you. That even though it is sad that you can't be with us here on Earth, that you are so special that God needed you more. That I miss you everyday and my heart will always hurt, but I am stronger because of you. That you are in heaven watching over them. That they have the best possible Aunt ever because they have an automatic guardian angel.

I love you so much, Anna and I will never ever forget you. Thank you for being my sister, my hero, my guardian angel. I hope you are having one hell of a time in heaven!



I am linking up today with Pour Your Heart Out at Shell's place.



Dear Anna (2nd edition)

Dear Anna,

I know God is passing on my messages to you, and I'm glad because I have so much to say to you that I need you to hear.

First of all, this one is obvious but I miss you so much it hurts. Lately, everyone's lives have started going back to "normal"; Daddy and I went back to work, and most of your friends did too. We aren't planning your funeral or making decisions about that stuff anymore. Instead, we are trying to move on with our lives and go back to the way things were before you went to heaven.

I didn't think that this would be hard. I don't know why, but it never occurred to me how hard this would be. Although it is nice to stay busy and do something during the day, it kind of reminds me of how much I miss you. It's hard to explain, but I guess doing things "normally" makes it more clear how not normal things are now. We can go on with our lives the way they were before, but we can't ignore the fact that our lives aren't and never will be the way they were before. Life can't be "normal" or the way it was when you were still with us because you're not with us anymore. Not physically, anyway. It doesn't feel right for our lives to keep going when yours here on Earth came to an end. It just feels like we are pretending to be normal when we know we can never be normal again.

Today, when I was driving home from work, I thought about you and for a minute, I thought that I would see you. I haven't been to work since you went to heaven, so it has always been a normal part of coming home to see you. I was looking forward to seeing you and asking you how your day was when all the sudden I remembered. I remembered I wouldn't see you when I got home. Not today, not ever. And it felt like I lost you all over again, Anna.

I want so badly to talk to you, to see your beautiful smiling face again. To hear your laugh after you "nailed a funny joke".

I know you would tell me I'm crazy, but I have so many regrets about your life. I hate that I was away for so much of the last year of your life and that we would sometimes go months without talking. If I could have those days back, I would call you 200 times in a row if that's how many times it took you to answer the phone! I would demand more skype dates. I would do whatever I could to stay updated with your life. I feel like I really missed out on a lot by not keeping in touch better and it kills me. I'm learning so much about you from the memories your friends share (by the way so are Mommy and Daddy. They're learning things about you you probably never wanted them to know!). I love hearing their stories about you, but at the same time it makes me sad that I missed out on that stuff. That I'm just hearing these stories from them, and that I didn't hear them from you when it happened. If only I would have picked up the phone or sent a text and said "what did you do last night?" maybe I would've known some of these things sooner.

I know I can't live life in regret and I know you wouldn't want me worrying about stupid things like this, so I'm trying to let it go.

Before I go, I just wanted to tell you that you picked great friends. You definitely knew what you were doing when you chose your best friends because you left me with some great sisters and brothers. It is amazing how close we have become, Anna, and it is all because of you. We all miss you, but we are helping each other heal the hurt that you leaving us has put in our hearts.

I love you, Sissy, and I will always miss you but I am so happy to know you are in a better place. I am so happy you're not suffering anymore and I can only imagine all the cool people you are meeting up in heaven! I'll see you again someday.

Love,
Iss

I miss this...

The First of Many

When we knew that Anna's life was coming to an end, there were several conversations between family members and I about what life would be like without her and how we would go on. One conversation in particular stuck out to me because it was something that had not crossed my mind before.

While eating lunch with my uncle, we were discussing Anna's impending death and how unfair it seems.
"Nothing will ever be the same," he pointed out. He went on to talk about our annual family reunion, her birthday, and every holiday after she passes away and how they would never be the same.

Today, on the first holiday we have experienced since Anna passed away, I realize how true those words are. Nothing will ever be the same. And today? It wasn't the same. My heart broke for my dad as he experienced his first father's day without one of the people who made him a father. As we ate dinner as our new family of 3, it was clear things were not the same. There was something missing. Someone, to be exact. My mom picked out gifts for him she thought Anna would pick out. But she wasn't here to deliver them. She wasn't here to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day, or to give him a hug.

As I reflected on this bittersweet holiday, I came to the realization that this is the way things will be from now on. Not just holidays, but every happy moment from now on. We will still enjoy the holidays and the happy moments in life, of course but a part of us will be hurting. Our hearts will ache from the pain that losing Anna has caused. We will wish that she was here, but we will also take comfort in the fact that she is here in spirit and that she is in a better place. Nothing will ever be the same, how could it be? But this life without Anna, this new normal is in place of how things were before and we have to make that the best it can be. We have to take things one step at a time, and today we accomplished one step; we made it through the first holiday. Sure, there will be many more to come but we can at least take comfort in the fact that we know now we can do it.

The two luckiest girls in the world to have such a great dad..

One Week

One week ago today, my sister went to be with God in heaven. One week. Normally such a small, insignificant amount of time but in this case it feels like forever.

This past week has been filled with emotions I hoped to never have to experience; anger, regret, sadness, disbelief and so much more. This past week has been filled with events I hoped to never have to attend; a memorial at mine and Anna's alma mater, her visitation and funeral. This past week has been one of the worst of my life, and yet I know I have only just begun the grief process.

Monday night at her visitation, several people got up and spoke about her life. One of which being my Uncle Dan. He started out his speech with "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" and went on to explain that this is how he felt in regards to Anna's death. In a word, angry. To say he is alone in these feelings would be ridiculous, however, I am not one who shares these feelings. I completely understand why other people would feel angry and perhaps as I continue this grieving process, I will be later on. But for now? How could I be angry? And whom should I be angry with? God? What good does that do me? What good does being angry at all do me?

Am I upset that we lost Anna? More than I can say. Do I miss her? Every minute of every day. But am I angry? No.

I have known for awhile that Anna's life was coming to an end. Especially in the last week or so of her life; things were declining fast, and I knew it wouldn't be much longer. So, instead of praying for God to heal her (although I still desperately hoped he would) I prayed for understanding. If God was going to take her from us, there had to be a reason. A damn good one, I'm sure. So, I prayed for him to grant me the understanding of what exactly that plan was. To show me why he needed her more than we do here on Earth. And I believe that after her death, he truly opened my eyes and showed me what he needed her for.

Her purpose here on Earth was to touch peoples lives and to inspire people to be better. I have seen first hand in the past week how many lives she touched and inspired. People she's never met and who have never met her are inspired by her. They just hear her story and are inspired. First, it was the memorial at our high school. People got up and spoke about their memories with Anna and how they were better for knowing her. Even people who didn't know her spoke about how they wish they would've gotten the chance and they felt so disadvantaged for not knowing her. And even though they didn't know her, they too were inspired by her. The outpouring of people that showed up for the memorial and the funeral Monday and Tuesday made it clear how many lives she touched. People from all over loved her.

Did she have to die for that? Couldn't she have continued to touch lives from here on Earth? I don't know. I have no doubt that she would continue to touch lives, but all of us here on Earth are better off for knowing her. Now it's time for her to touch some people up and heaven and live out whatever other big plans God has for her because I'm sure he has some.

So although my heart is broken and I wish she didn't have to die, I am not angry. I'm sad. I miss her. I wish she could come back, but be healthy. In some ways, it feels like just yesterday I saw her beautiful face, that we were laughing together and gossiping about boys. In other ways one day without her feels like forever, so a week feels like a lifetime. I will miss her forever. I have a lot more grieving to do, I am sure but I have no doubt that Anna has given her strength to me and that is what's helping me get through this.


This video was made in honor of Anna, by her great friend. It was played at the memorial and it is a great representation of what a wonderful life she lived. She will be missed by all, but will continue to touch lives, no doubt about it.

Dear Anna

Dear Anna,

Today* we celebrated your life during a beautiful memorial service. All your friends and family and people you didn't even know gathered together to honor you.

Today was a day I've been dreading since you went to heaven; I know I already said goodbye to you, but this would be so final, so real. I was scared about whether or not I could handle it. I thought about how strong you always were, and how strong you would want me to be, and I hoped I could do it for you.

Today, I know you were with me, Anna, because you gave me your strength. Although it was a tough, emotional day, I was able to hold it together and be strong. I've been thinking a lot about what I learned from you, and what traits you "passed on" to me. You were always more concerned with others than yourself; that was said over and over today and it is so true. You never told your friends you were dying because you didn't want them to be sad. You didn't want me, and Mommy and Daddy to be sad either. You would do whatever you could to make everyone else happy. I think you passed that trait on to me, because this past week  I have been thinking a lot about everyone elses feelings. When your friends are around and they are sad, I just want to take that pain away from them. I don't even think about my own pain because I am concerned with how they are doing. I am sure that is you transferring that responsibility onto me and I am so glad. You would be so proud to see how much your friends and I have bonded. We are really getting through this together, and even though no one could or ever will replace me, they are like my sisters now.

Today, everyone celebrated you. It was just the way you would want it. It wasn't too sad, or cheesy. Everyone wore purple or bright colors instead of black; you said black was too sad and depressing. You never wanted anyone to be depressed. Everyone talked about what a special person you are and how you impacted so many lives. You should be so proud of yourself. I'm sure you are a big deal up in heaven because prayers have been flooding for you the past year and a half. You are always on my mind, Anna, but today, sitting in Prince of Peace during mass brought so many memories back. Remember how we used to be so bored in church we'd play that chopsticks game you made up? Or when we would laugh at Mommy for crying at the sad songs? Remember when we would bring the church booklets home and "play" church? Sometimes we'd even baptize our baby dolls! Those are special memories that I will never forget, Anna.

Today, you would be so proud of some of your best friends. Katherine, Maggie, Lexi, Tara and Allie all got up and spoke about you and how much you meant to them. I know you gave them the strength to do that, because that is not easy. You would be so touched by all the nice things they said about you. There is no doubt that you changed their lives forever.

Today, your favorite band Manchester Orchestra was here to help us celebrate your life. I have no doubt that you played a huge role in making this happen. When I talked to the Tour Manager tonight, he pointed out how the timing of everything worked out perfectly; they happened to be in town the night of your high school graduation so you could go up on stage and get serenaded by Andy, and how they happened to have just ended their tour so they could be here tonight. Those kind of things don't just happen, Anna. They came to the service at church and got to hear how many lives you touched and hear how touched you were by meeting them. Clearly, the feeling was mutual; they adore you, Anna. They talk so highly of you and how it was such a great honor to meet you. They even came to Aunt Cathy and Uncle Dan's to put on a private show for your friends and family. It was pretty amazing, but you already know how awesome they are!

I can't believe it's been almost a week since you've been gone. I know tomorrow is gonna be another tough day, but I have no doubt you will be there passing on your strength that you are so infamous for to me. I don't know why you chose me to give your strength to; maybe it's because you knew I would need it the most because you're my only sister. Maybe it's so I could carry out your legacy and help others be strong. You taught us all how to be strong, Anna, and I am sure glad you did. It is so hard to be without you, and I'd do anything to get you back but I know you're in a better place now. I can't wait to meet again someday. Until then, we'll all float on!

Love you more than you know.

"Iss"

P.s. I know you already got your own private serenade of this song, but Andy sang it to us tonight and it was pretty spectacular, so I thought you should see.

*This post was originally scheduled for last night, so change today to yesterday, etc.