When Boredom Gets the Best of You...

You know your boredom has taken over when you start clicking random links because your that bored. This is what happened to me. I was sitting at my desk, attempting to get some homework done, when I clicked over to my iGoogle home page to see what was going on. (Side note: if you're not familiar with iGoogle, basically its a way to keep up with your e-mail, facebook, twitter, blogs, and everything else... all one page). Since facebook, twitter, and my e-mail failed to provide anything new, I started reading the headlines that were on my iGoogle page... oddly enough headlines, E!News, that kind of thing... when something caught my eye under the WikiHow widget. This article entitled "How to Grind". Excellent, I thought! I've never been super confident in my "grinding" skills and I have a big party coming up Friday night, so I could probably use a few tips! (Read: I'm that bored and would rather read a random article about grinding than do my homework, like I should be.) Well, almost immediately after I started reading I found it almost impossible to take this article seriously! Allow me to show you... It begins like this: If you've been to a club or a party and seen people dancing with their pelvises together, then you've just witnessed grinding. (Wow, thanks for clearing that up! Clearly when I clicked over to this article, it was obviously because I don't even know what grinding is!) Sometimes referred to as freaking or freak dancing, (pretty sure i've never heard anyone refer to it as "freaking"... that means something completely different) it's most commonly associated with hip-hop and house music. (WHAT is "house music"?) Since this is kind of dancing is as sexually suggestive as it gets (really, as sexually suggestive as it gets? I doubt that), most people who plan on grinding will benefit from learning how to do it properly. (What are you trying to say? That because we are grinding we want to have sex?) And it just gets better from there... next they list the steps of how to go about grinding:

1. Dance near a person you want to grind with. If the person takes notice of you, and acknowledges you, approach them and ask if they'd like to dance. Never ask if they'd like to grind. (Thanks for that brilliant tip, because I know people commonly make that mistake.. not) If you know for sure the person is a grinder, ( assume the correct positions (one person, usually the guy, directly behind the other). If you are unsure, start off with some distance between your hips. If your partner starts getting a little closer, then you can get a little closer. What exactly is "a grinder"?) (really, so if they move closer, I shouldn't move further away? huh, brilliant!)
2. Dance with your your hips together. While normally the guy is behind the girl, there are not strict rules saying you can't switch things up. (Well since WikiHow gave me permission, I guess its ok!) If you're at the front, move your end area (your "end area"? Just say butt or ass or at least if you're trying to be proper rear end or behind, but end area, really?) around in a pattern at around crotch level of your partner. (oh yeah... this is getting good ;) ) You're in control. If you're behind someone else, follow her movements. The pelvises can be directly aligned, or slightly off so that one of the rear person's legs is between the front person's legs. (What, how does that work?)
3. Join a grinding chain. Sometimes a group of people start grinding together. Usually it's a mix of men and women alternating, or just women. Sometimes two women will "sandwich" a man, and others latch on. (So like a dancing orgy? Got it...)

Finally, they sum it up with a couple tips and some warnings:

• Guys may experience an erection while grinding. (woah... inappropriate!) If this happens, there are a few things you can do to hide it.
• Bend your knees so that the bottom of your stomach is the area getting the most friction.
• Turn so that they are grinding your knee. (Um... pretty sure we know the difference between your crotch and your knee!)
• If repositioning does not work, it's better to just excuse yourself for a few minutes to let things settle down. (please do...)
• If all else fails "pull up and tuck". (What!!?)

Warnings:

• The person dancing in the rear should not keep a cell phone or wallet in a front pocket--girls may get the wrong idea. Move your phone to your back pocket.
• If you do decide to keep your phone in your front pocket, make sure it's off. One of the last things you want is for your pocket to be vibrating while you're grinding with your dream girl. (LOL! We won't mind... really!)

The best part? It even comes with an instructional video! In case the tips from above don't help you enough.. (I can't figure out how to save it so I can embed it, but it's worth clicking over to watch it's hilarious!) Overall, I think I learned a lot from this very informative article, and feel much more prepared for Friday night. Who needs homework when you can learn how to grind, right from the comfort of your own room, and without moving a muscle!?