The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

It's that time of the year, the time that has been described as "the most wonderful time of the year" and the "happiest season of all". Normally, I would be in agreement with both of those phrases. This year? I am struggling to get into the Christmas spirit. 

I have known since losing Anna that this would be the hardest holiday. That we could get through Thanksgiving. We could get through the anniversaries of her death (although those are pretty hard too). But I knew Christmas would be hard. Christmas was the one time a year that we had so many traditions the 4 of us as a family. And a lot of these traditions involved things Anna and I did together. I couldn't imagine doing this holiday without her. And yet... here we are. Celebrating Christmas without her. 

I wish so badly that we spent the night together Christmas Eve night, like we do every year. That we would wake up in the morning and see what Santa left us. That we would be together. 

It doesn't help that when I think of last Christmas, which turned out to be our last Christmas together, I am filled with regret. For whatever reason, I was crabby and grumpy when we were decorating our Christmas tree together. I didn't take the time to be thankful for these memories or to appreciate the fact that we were all together. On Christmas Eve, Anna and I always spent the night together in my room. We didn't have slumber parties very often, so this was one of my favorite traditions. Last year, we got in a fight... over what to watch on TV. If you spent much time with the two of us, this wasn't surprising at all. Not only did we fight a lot, but we also fought over the TV a lot; it was just something that was hard for us to agree on for whatever reason. I don't remember the details, but she got frustrated and went to bed... in her room. And I was too stubborn to say I'm sorry so she would come sleep in mine like usual. 

What I would give to have a do-over on that night... if she would come back, I would let her watch whatever she wanted on TV. I hate myself for fighting over such a petty, stupid thing. Do I think that she spent every night after that thinking "God my sister is such a bitch" or "she ruined christmas"? No, not at all. Anna and I fought, but we were also really good at getting over it and moving on quickly. That one fight (or any of our fights) didn't define our relationship. I know that. But it hurts to think that was my last chance to carry on these traditions with her and I ruined it. 

Last Christmas, we just found out that Anna had relapsed and that she would need chemo again. The future was so unknown, but we didn't stop hoping. However, it wasn't far from my mind that Anna was sick. I remember laying in bed that night, already regretting our fight, and thinking "this could be our last Christmas together...". But just as quickly as the thought entered my mind, I made it go away. "That's not going to happen," I reassured myself, trying to make the feeling of panic go away. "She's going to be fine." How badly I wish that were true... 

I miss her. I miss our traditions. I miss the way Christmas used to be. But I know that Anna wouldn't want us to spend our holiday being sad. She never wanted anyone to be sad. And as hard as it was, I did it. I made it through the holiday that I didn't want to happen. 

Did I wake up on Christmas morning and think about what I would be doing if Anna were still here? Yes. Did I wish that we were sitting at the top of our stairs together, waiting to be given the "ok" to see what Santa left us? Yes. But, I did it. I didn't spend the whole day feeling sad. I didn't dwell on what was or what could've been had things turned out differently (well, not much anyway). Instead, I counted my blessings. I was thankful to be spending the day with my family, both immediate and extended and our friends who are like family. 

Although I would have liked to learn these lessons an easier way, I have learned so much from losing Anna. I truly appreciate all the relationships I have in my life and I do my best not to take moments for granted. I took last Christmas for granted, and now I regret it. Was I in a great mood the whole time this Christmas? No! Did I have my moments where I was less than in the Christmas spirit? Absolutely. But would I have appreciated all these moments before? I don't know. 

I found this poem on another blog awhile ago, and saved it for this specific holiday. There are a lot of versions of this poem and a lot of similar poems out there, but this one gave me a lot of comfort because I feel like it is exactly what Anna would say if she could talk to us.


My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights like Heaven's stairs,
reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift
more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I know that Anna is up in heaven smiling because she is pain free, she's experiencing so many awesome things and because she's proud of us for not only being strong but continuing to live out her legacy. 

Anna and I at Christmas Eve dinner last year in our matching pajamas :)

Thrift Store Pen Pals!

It's been awhile since my blog was lighthearted and funny. Once upon a time, I used to be funny on my blog,  you know, before life got so serious. It's not that life isn't serious anymore and you better believe I will still be blogging about Anna, but for now, I thought we could use a change of pace around here. That is why I knew I had to sign up for Thrift Store Pen Pals. This is the perfect opportunity to do something completely different on my blog!


What is thrift store pen pals you ask? Well, Woody at Woodn't Ya Know It started posting about random, crazy items he would find while thrift store shopping. These posts were always hilarious and intriguing to say the least and it was the kind of post I wished I could write. Luckily, he came up with the brilliant idea of sharing this ingenious idea with us, his blog readers. So, he sends you an item in the mail and you blog about it. Easy enough, right?


So.. lets talk about what I got! After reading the other Thrift Store Pen Pal posts, I was really excited to see what I got. I was surprised when I got a box and not an envelope or something smaller. I looked at the return address and knew that my pen pal item had arrived! I tried to use context clues to guess what it was; I shook the box a little to see what it sounded like. It was a little heavy, but not too heavy. What could it be?
I opened up to find....

This.
That, my friends, is what they call a Doll Baby (or as it says on the box DOLL BABY... although I think the capital letters make it a lot more creepy). Personally, I think I would have named it something a little different like... creepy doll missing her body or creepy doll head, I don't know but Doll Baby just sounds so affectionate and cute... everything this thing is not. Let's take a closer look, shall we? Here is Doll Baby removed from her home box.

Immediately, I looked for some sort of warning on the box... I thought maybe it would say "caution! Do not let your children play with this for they will be seriously creeped out for the rest of eternity," or maybe "Beware! This is not a toy! It is simply meant to f**k with peoples minds." Strangely, Turns out I didn't find any kind of warning. What I did find, though, is some interesting information about the origin of "Doll Baby".

In case you can't read it, this is basically Doll Baby's origins. It says she was created by someone named Martha Nelson Thomas. Remind me to be on the look out for people with that name because, seriously, who comes up with something like this? Anyway, the history basically says that Martha thinks you should "cuddle, love and play with" dolls. Novel concept, Martha! Except wait... who wants to cuddle with a body-less doll!? Not me. Anyway, after reading the history I came to the conclusion that Doll Baby does in fact have a body... you just have to buy it separately and sew it together... I think. Now there are a few problems with this philosophy: First of all, you have to know how to sew. If you don't.. well I guess you don't get a body to go with your doll head. And second of all, how many parents do you think forget to buy the body? They are in a hurry and they grab the Doll Baby box not thinking anything of it and then they get home and have to face the question of "But, mom, why doesn't my doll have a body?" How do you explain that!?
Next, I discovered a check list on one side of the box. It is because of this checklist that I discovered this box contains much more than a creepy doll head Doll Baby! Check it out:

Not only does this box contain the doll baby doll head but also a birth announcement (really, for a head?), but also a certificate of authenticity, a name tag, care instructions, the Doll Baby story, and an instruction book with patterns and shoes (shoes... for a body-less doll?) The main thing that stuck out to me out of all this stuff was the Care instructions. Why? I don't know, but my instincts told me that this would be interesting, and I was right. Read carefully the care instructions for your doll baby:

The last 2 sentences are my favorite... "When you are ready to dress your baby again, you might want to sprinkle a little baby powder on its bottom... that's what makes them smell right!" Wait... I realize that you just washed a cloth doll and maybe that's why it wouldn't "smell right" but really? Baby powder? I hope they are kidding. The final sentence of these care instructions is by far the best: "By the way, Doll Babies are allergic to dog bites and sauerkraut." Hold up... what!!!? I don't even know what to say about this statement. I don't know if this is Martha's attempt at humor or what. Dog bites I guess I can understand... dolls that are neglected can likely be subject to a sad life of being a dog toy. But sauerkraut? First of all, who even eats sauerkraut? I'm guessing no one who plays with baby dolls (or baby doll heads, whatever) eats sauerkraut. Maybe I'm wrong, and Martha knows something I don't. Stranger things have happened...
Oh and just in case you were wondering, this is not the only version of Doll Baby. So, if you decide you want a Doll Baby for yourself (they're available on Ebay, I googled it), there are lots of options for you to chose from. See for yourself: 

Lets just say I appreciate the Doll Baby I got a little more after seeing the other more creepy variations. 
Now the question remains... what should I do with my Doll Baby now that she has been blogged about? I'm thinking I may have to take her to class with me one day and blog about people's reactions. Or, you know, she might make a really great prank to pull in the sorority house... Thoughts!? What would you do with your Doll Baby?!
Once again, I'd like to thank Woody for allowing me to participate in this fantastic blog series. Make sure you check out all the other Thrift Store Pen Pals too! 


*Disclaimer: All pictures were taken on my iPhone, so I apologize for the crappy photo quality. I probably didn't do Doll Baby photography justice... 

PYHO: Her Legacy Lives On

This weekend was a weekend I’ve been looking forward to since going back to school. At the end of the summer, it was so hard to say goodbye to the people I’d spent my entire summer with, especially knowing we were all going to different places across the country from each other and that it would be months before we’d see each other again. This weekend was the weekend that we would finally all be reunited. And that was only part of the reason why this would be a special weekend. There were so many amazing things happening this weekend it was hard to know what to look forward to the most.

As luck would have it (actually I have no doubt that it had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with this weekend being meant to be), I didn’t have classes Friday so I was able to fly home Thursday night and begin preparing for the weekend ahead.

The first event was Friday night at my high school homecoming game. Last year, Anna was crowned Homecoming Queen for our high school. Tradition serves that last years queen crowns the new queen every year. This year, our high school asked me if I would do the honor of crowning the queen in Anna’s memory. To say I was honored would be an understatement. I had hoped, knowing this tradition, that they would at least honor Anna in some way but I had never anticipated being asked to be involved. Of course, every part of me wished that I was there watching her do it herself, but it meant a lot to me that they asked me to do it in her memory. I know Anna was proud. The girl that won told me she really felt Anna's presence through me, and that meant so much to me that I can help carry on Anna's spirit. 

By Friday night 4 of Anna’s friends were in town and amazing reunions were had. I really didn't realize how much I missed them until I realized how happy I was being back with them. These people are my favorite people, but that is a whole other blog post in itself. The best part was it felt like we had never left each other. It felt so normal and so right to be back at my house hanging out like we did all summer.

Saturday was an early day but for an awesome reason. Children’s Hospital, where Anna was treated, holds a Red Balloon Race every year. One of Anna’s classmates started “Team Float On” in Anna’s honor, so we all went to support the team. It was really amazing to see all the people who came out to honor Anna. 

Our team tent was definitely the best looking one out there!

Me and the friends of Anna's who had arrived so far.

By Saturday night, everyone was finally back together! My cousin Becca came in for the weekend and the rest of Anna’s friends had arrived.

The entire weekend just being together with so many of my favorite people was obviously fantastic, but Sunday was possibly the best day ever. Anna’s favorite band was Manchester Orchestra. On the last good night of her life, after high school graduation, she went to see them in concert, got brought up on stage and serenaded by the lead singer. The look on her face when she got home that night was one of pure joy; she could not stop gushing about how nice they were, how amazing everything was, and how they invited her to Lollapalooza. She even joked that she and Andy were getting married (never mind that he's already married!). She thought the world of the band, and the feeling was mutual. They were so touched by meeting Anna they came out to play a few songs privately for her friends and family after her memorial service this summer. Since then, we have kept in touch with them and established a really great relationship with them.

This weekend, they were playing in Dallas, so of course we got tickets. However, not only did we get tickets to go to the show, but we invited the whole band to our house to hang out for awhile. There are no words to describe how awesome this was. Not only were we partying with rock stars, but the coolest, nicest, most down to earth rock stars you will ever meet in your life. They were genuinely so grateful to us for having them over, and they really made an effort to get to know all of us. One moment that really stuck out to me was when a few of Anna’s friends and I were talking to their drummer, Tim, and he was recalling meeting Anna and how much it changed him. He talked about how she has completely changed all of their lives and the direction their band wants to take. “I have a picture of her up on the fridge,” he told us, “and I look at it everyday and think about her.” Amazing proof of what an impact Anna had on so many people.  As if that wasn’t enough, he also went around and asked each of us to share how we knew Anna. He genuinely wanted to know how each one of us had been a part of Anna’s life. Simply unbelievable and truly amazing is the only way I can think to sum it up.

The group with the band

Except it gets better. After spending the day getting to know this awesome band, we went to see them play that night. I will admit that up until about a week ago, I was only a Manchester Orchestra fan in theory. I knew a few songs, but most of those were the songs Andy played after Anna’s memorial. But thanks to a friend (shout out, Zach), I sought out more of their music and researched what they’d been playing on tour lately. It would have been an amazing concert regardless if I had ever heard any of the songs before, but after listening to the Manchester Orchestra playlist I created every day for the last week or so, I was easily singing along to almost every song. Pretty impressive, I’d say, for someone who used to tell Anna to listen to “good music” when she’d play bands like Manchester Orchestra. I have no doubt that she was so proud of me during that concert. It may seem like a small thing to say she has changed me because I enjoy her type of music now, but it is just one more way in which she has influenced me and everyone else who knew her.

To say the concert was amazing would be an understatement. Hands down the best concert I’ve ever been to is more like it. What is even more amazing, though is that they invited us to come hangout with them backstage after the show. As we were leaving, I had a conversation with two of the band members that I will never forget. "I don't think you know how much you mean to Anna's friends and family," one of her friends told them. I will never forget their response. "If anything," they told us, "It is the other way around. You all mean so much to us and Anna truly changed our lives and we are forever grateful." Simply amazing how much she changed their lives after only meeting them once. 

2 of Anna's best friends, our cousin and I with the most amazing band ever.

It was impossible to go through this weekend and especially Sunday night with the band without thinking about Anna and how she is the reason for all of this. It truly makes me believe in the phrase I once hated; "everything happens for a reason". There was a reason Anna was healthy enough to make it to that concert that night, even though her health declined rapidly after that. There was a reason that she met the band. I've always said her purpose in life was to change lives. It was clearer than ever this weekend to see how she did that. Not only did she change her friends and family, but millions of other people including this amazing band who will continue to change people because of her. There is nothing that can replace her or take away the pain of losing her, but it sure does it make you think twice about being sad about it. I am so thankful that my eyes have been opened to see her purpose and how even almost 6 months after she passed away, her legacy of changing lives carries on.

I'm linking up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say.

PYHO: Healing

Last week, I was talking to a friend who accused me of "slacking" on my blog. "I know," I told him, while listing my excuses "I'm back at school, and I'm so busy..." "Plus," I told him, "I'm kind of running out of things to say that I haven't already said." (I'm pretty sure this is what they call an epiphany!) His response was "maybe that's a good thing," and he explained that my writing for me is therapeutic; I write when something is bothering me and (obviously) what's "bothering" me lately (to put it lightly) is dealing with Anna's death. Maybe, he suggested, the fact that I have nothing to say means I am healing. Immediately, I felt guilty. How can I move on? How can I be ok with the fact that I no longer have my sister? I felt as if by healing I was a bad sister. A bad person. That I am doing something in this stage of grief.

The more I thought about it, though, I realized I was thinking about this all wrong. That this is, in fact, healthy. I am in no way, nor could I ever, forgetting what I have been through losing my sister. I will never forget the day my mom looked me in the eyes and told me that, yes, she was going to die. I will never forget the day she took her last breath. I will never forget the last time I told her I loved her. I will never forget her.

Healing also doesn't mean the pain isn't there. It doesn't mean that every time something reminds me of her I wish I could pick up the phone and call her. It doesn't mean that the 3 month anniversary of her death last week wasn't one of my saddest days. It doesn't mean that every time someone talks about siblings or their sister, that a part of me doesn't die a little. It doesn't mean that I don't miss her every day. All those things are still true, but they are getting easier. The pain doesn't go away; it just becomes a part of life and is therefore easier to deal with.

I know that is normal. I know that I can't and shouldn't spend the rest of my life being sad and crying. Obviously, life goes on. I also know that Anna would want me to move on, and to be happy. To live my life. She never wanted anyone to be sad, and this is no exception. So I have to let go of the guilt and let myself heal. Because even though I never wanted to live my life without her, now I have to.

I also know that this is still only the beginning; there were still be so many tough times ahead. I know that the grieving process doesn't really end; it will always be a part of my life. That just because I am starting to heal doesn't mean that I am over it. I will never be "over" losing my sister. I think that is why I was feeling guilty; because I felt that by saying I am healing, I must be over it. But I know that I am not all the way healed. I am NOT over it. I am just beginning the healing process, and that is a good thing.

Healing doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't mean that the pain isn't there anymore. It just means that I am learning to deal with it.

I found this poem on facebook last week, and I think it is pretty perfect. "I wish heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but that is nothing new, I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms...I have you in my heart."


Missing you, now and always...

 I am linking up at Things I Can't Say with Pour Your Heart Out.

PYHO: Lack of Understanding

When Anna passed away, I was granted some kind of gift. Whether it was from God, from Anna or from my faith that I have grown up with, I don't know, but I had some kind of understanding.

When I knew that Anna was getting sicker and I knew that it was a very real possibility she wasn't going to make it, I stopped praying for her to get better. It breaks my heart to even say that, but if I am being honest, in the last week or so, I didn't pray for that anymore. Of course I hoped with all my heart that God would choose to perform a miracle and save Anna. I wanted that more than anything. But I knew it was a very real possibility that that wasn't going to happen. So instead I prayed for understanding. That if God's plan for her involved bringing her up to heaven and away from this Earth, to please, please, please help me to understand why. Why her? Why now? Just why?

When she did pass on to heaven, I believe that I was able to see and understand why. And I believe that more than anything, that that is what has gotten me through these last 2 months. That is why I am able to accept that she is no longer here and why I never experienced that grief stage of anger.

But that all changed these last 2 days. Anna's good friend for over 10 years, Micaela, was fighting leukemia since December. When she was diagnosed, Anna was one of the first people she told. She leaned on Anna for advice, for answers to the inevitable questions that only someone else fighting for their life could answer. Anna and Micaela were warriors together and provided much support to each other. They were often in the hospital at the same times, and although in unfortunate circumstances, were able to spend amazing quality time together. Of course, being in the hospital and fighting for their lives did not lend itself to typical teenager bonding; instead of going out to the latest parties or going shopping like most people their age would do, they bonded over which neck pillows were the best when laying in a hospital bed all day; they bonded over trying on wigs together. Anna showed Micaela how to fill in her missing eyebrows and they bonded over the unfortunate thing they had in common; cancer.

Yesterday, Micaela couldn't fight anymore and she went to heaven to be with Anna. To say this came as a surprise would be an understatement. However, not only was I not prepared for her to die, I was also not prepared for how much this would effect me. You would think after losing your sister when she's only 18 that not much else could effect you like that. However, losing Micaela has effected me so heavily.

This is different. This time, I don't understand. This time, I don't feel a sense of peace. This time, I do feel a little bit of anger. And this time I am definitely asking why but not feeling like I'm being answered. In some ways I feel like I am back to square 1... like all the progress I've made dealing with losing Anna is gone and I have to start all over. My heart is breaking all over again.

This time, I have a whole new set of questions; not just why. One of the hardest parts about having someone you love in heaven is the unknown of heaven; there is just so much mystery behind the concept of heaven that you have to base everything on blind faith. This is the first time for me that I have experienced this.

When I shared the news of Micaela passing on facebook and twitter, one of the main responses I kept getting was "Anna is so happy to see her friend again", and to be honest, this confused me to no end. My first reaction was to think "Well, probably not" because in my head, I think of Anna as being sad to see Micaela in heaven. I think of her saying "you're not supposed to be here, you were supposed to get better" because of course that's what Anna wanted for her friend. I think of it as a bittersweet reunion; of course they are happy to be together and pain free, but does that mean that Anna isn't sad that her friend passed away? Am I thinking too "earthly" about this?

Upon further discussions with some close friends and family, some different view points were brought to my attention. "People say there is no sadness in heaven," my mom pointed out. "Do you think Anna knew Micaela was going to die before we did?", someone asked. I have to admit, I hadn't thought of these things prior to these conversations, and they make good points. However, it just left me feeling even more confused.

Perhaps the worst part is that there are no definite answers to be found. There is no way for me to understand exactly how heaven works and what heaven is like until I get there. I have to decide for myself what I believe. So for now, I guess I will deal as best I can with my lack of understanding. I will do my best to accept that I can't understand everything. But I will still wish I could...

My heroes... always and forever. Now two beautiful angels in heaven...

I am linking up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say.

Dear Anna (Letter 7)

I skipped a couple weeks in writing to you, and I don't know why. I have so much that I want to tell you but lately I've been struggling to find the right words. I hope this gets better soon because writing to you is the best way to deal with missing you. Speaking of missing you, I still miss you so much. In some ways it is easier now that you've been gone 2 months; you kind of get used to the sadness that you feel all the time. But in a lot of ways it just keeps getting harder.

It is mostly getting harder because I have come to realize that as much as we don't want it to, life goes on without you, and as time goes on there are more and more moments that I wish you were a part of. It is hard to think of all the events that I wished you were a part of in the last 2 months and know how many more there will be to come.

Last week, I had a dream that was like I was looking into the future. I saw myself (a lot older) holding a baby that I guess was mine. I remember looking at this baby and thinking I needed a name for her. "Anna would know what I should name her," I thought and then I realized that I couldn't call you and ask for your advice. I can't even try to explain the pain I felt at that moment; I knew this should be a happy moment and I wanted to feel all that happiness but when I realized you weren't a part of it all I could do was cry. I know this was a weird way to explain the obvious; that I will miss you at important moments in my life such as this, but it just reminded me what is inevitable; that no longer how long you've been gone I will always miss you. Just because this dream took place several years into the future didn't mean I missed you any less then than I do now. I know I will never stop missing you.

Last weekend we had to say goodbye to you again. We had a service at Prince of Peace to put your ashes into the resurrection garden. It was the first time I'd been back to Prince of Peace since your memorial and funeral and as soon as I walked into that church, it was like I was reliving that day all over again. It was all too familiar; we parked in the same spot and walked in to the atrium where we were greeted by friends and family, we sat in the front row again... all I could think about the whole time were those days that we said goodbye to you. And now here we were, saying goodbye again. Mommy and Daddy decided that I could carry your ashes, and while it was an honor, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was holding the last physical remains of you while Father Jim spoke about life after death and how your memory would live on. Then, I had to place the box of ashes into your resting place. I had to let go of you literally, and it was so hard. I didn't want to have say good bye; not again.

We had all of your friends over last weekend for one last dinner party before everyone leaves for college and it was amazing, Anna. I know I've told you this before but you really knew what you were doing when you picked your best friends; they are truly amazing people. I am so thankful that I have gotten to know them the way I have this summer; I just wish you were here to see how much we have bonded. Mommy gave us all frames that night with one of your journal entries in it.  "One thing that has been on my mind is that I may some miss some moments I would want to be at," you wrote, "Or just I want to be thought of during this time. And I believe if I miss any of these times I will be there, and I'll be smiling and happy." This, I know, has brought us all so much comfort. It is impossible to be with your friends and not think of you. It is impossible to laugh with them, and to enjoy each others company without thinking of you. I can guarantee you that we are all thinking of you during these times, and wishing that you were with us. It is so comforting to know that you believe you are, and now I believe it too.

I can't believe it's been 2 months today, Anna. I think so much about your last days here. How I tried to spend as much time with you as possible. I remember laying in bed the entire day with you watching The Simple Life. We didn't always say much when we were together, but I cherished the time we spent together. I would do anything to spend just one more day with you. I knew our days were numbered, but I thought I had so much more time. I thought we would have time to say good bye, to talk about how much I would miss you. I wish we had that time...

I found this quote today and I couldn't have said it better myself: "You never said I'm leaving, You never said good-bye. You were gone before I knew it, and only God knew why. A million times I've needed you, A million times I've cried. If love alone could've saved you, You never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, In death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place, No one else will ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you, But you didn't go alone. Part of  me went with you, The day God took you home."I will always miss you, Anna, and I always will but you are always in my heart.
Love,Iss.

P.s. How proud of me are you for this!!? You have inspired so many tattoos in your honor, I know you love that!

Dear Anna (Letter 6)

Dear Anna,


As of yesterday, you've been in heaven 7 weeks. I don't even know how that's possible. Each Wednesday means it is a week longer that you've been gone and I wonder if I will ever stop saying "how is it possible that you've been gone so long?". I wonder if it will ever feel "real" that you're not here anymore. In the grand scheme of things 7 weeks seems so small, almost insignificant; however, right now it feels like forever.


Yesterday, I tried to remember the last conversation we had. What did I say? What did you say? It took me awhile, but finally I remembered. It was Tuesday, the day before you died. Some JP2 girls had just dropped off cards and graduation presents for you, so I came back to tell you that they had dropped that stuff off. I read you the cards they wrote; and it took everything in me not to start crying when they talked about how strong you were, and how inspiring you were. I didn't want to cry in front of you; I wanted to be strong for you. I remember after I read all the cards, you said to me "Thanks, Iss". So simple, yet it meant so much. I had no idea that would be the last time we would talk...


I've said before that I hope you're proud of me. For being strong without you, mostly. I know I adapted that strength from you so I know you're proud of me for carrying it on.


But now I know you have another reason to be proud of me. For whatever reason after you passed away I felt a strong urge to get to know you better. Maybe its because of my pinging guilt that I feel like I didn't do this when you were still here, maybe you placed that urge in my heart; whatever it is it's something I've felt passionate about lately. So the first logical thing to do was to use music to feel a connection to you. Music was your passion, but sadly was a passion we didn't share. I never attempted to get to know you through the music you loved. I never asked you to explain why these bands and these songs meant so much to you. Usually I was just begging you to turn that "crap" off and play something "good." Well, Anna, I know you are proud because you have converted me. At least somewhat. I'm not all the way there yet; I'm no band aid like you were. But Zach made me a CD of your favorite songs and I cant remember the last time, when given the choice I chose "my music" over yours. I put the play list on my iPod and I listen to it everywhere; at work, in the car (which I know you would tell me your car is very happy it's playing "good" music again. You always told me your car hated it when I played country.) and even on the airplane I listen to your music. The playlist of course includes bands I knew were your favorite like Manchester Orchestra and Modest Mouse, but also bands I've never heard of. Every time I press play, I can't help but think of you and how proud you are!


Part of me wishes I would have done this a long time ago; how hard would it have been to get you to make me a playlist? How hard would it have been to listen to your favorite songs just once? I think way back to riding in your car with you; I remember arguing over who's music we'd listen to you and you'd usually win with the simple argument "it's my car." I have vague memories of you sharing songs you loved with me but what they were I have no clue. I wonder if any of them ended up on this playlist.


It is not hard to figure out why this music was so important to you. A lot of them are like they were written specifically for you. Some of them are obvious, but some I find myself wondering what it is you liked so much about these songs. And I wish so badly that you were here to explain it to me. This will never stop happening; I will never stop wishing that instead of asking your friends "Why did Anna like this so much?" that I could ask you. 


I finished "Heaven is For Real" the other day and for the first time since you passed away I feel 100% certain that that is where you are. That book gave me such a new, amazing understanding of heaven and what your life must be like now. I can only imagine how amazing it must be. For the first time I know for certain that heaven is real and that you aren't suffering anymore. It brings me great comfort to know that you read some of that book. I hope that it brought you a lot of comfort about your impending death. And for the first time I know for sure I'll see you again someday. I just wish there was another, sooner way to see you. 


I miss you more and more all the time, Anna. I still can't believe you're gone. I still can't believe you're never coming back. But, you live on. You live on through all the people that remember you. All the people that you inspired. All the lives that you changed. Through me. To quote Modest Mouse (I know you would be so proud of me for quoting Modest Mouse!) "Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in. In my head, in my heart, in my soul."


Love, 


Iss 

I found this picture of us this week and I love it! This was the night I came to your Awards Ceremony and you won Miss JP2; the most prestigious award they gave out that night! You looked beautiful as always and I was so proud of you!