Hard Times

I haven't even been home for a week, and already it's hard. For many reasons, in real life home is never quite the glamorized version I have in my head. It's not as fun as I imagine, it's not as happy, it's not a lot of things.

I used to know what to expect when coming home. It used to be always pretty much the same. But for the past year, it's been different. Now when I come home, I don't know what to expect, don't know what it will be like. I don't know how my sister will be feeling, I don't know if she'll be home or in the hospital, I don't know a lot of things. In a lot of ways, this is hard because I like to know things ahead of time. I like being prepared.

Since I've been home, I have been struggling. Struggling with balancing my feelings with everyone elses, struggling with where I fit in when I'm home, struggling to feel happy. And that sucks. When I'm home, I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my time with them because I know when I'm gone I'll miss them. But it's not always easy. It's especially hard lately because my sister has been really sick and that requires a lot of attention from everyone else. My mom's main priority is taking care of her (as it should be), and even though I am ashamed to admit it, a lot of times it leaves me feeling left in the dust.

I am 21 years old, and I can clearly take care of myself. I don't need or require 24/7 attention from my parents, but sometimes you still like a reminder that people are happy to see you. That they are happy you're home. That they care about you just as much as your sister even though her needs come before yours. Logically, I know all of this is true. And I am mad at myself for thinking otherwise. But my emotional side gets the best of me, my feelings get hurt and I become someone I'm not proud of. I am angry, withdrawn, and sad. And most of all, selfish. I try so hard to let my own selfish feelings go, to let the logical side of me take over and remind me that I am loved and I'm not ignored. I try so hard to remember that the reason that my sister is getting all the attention is because she needs it. And I should consider myself lucky that I don't require that kind of attention because I know she is suffering.

But I am only human, and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I know we are all dealing with a lot and we all have our crosses to bear. Coming home just brings up a lot of different emotions that I am not used to dealing with, and that is why I am struggling. I know it will get easier as time goes on. I know that it won't be like this forever. But the more I feel sad, the more angry I feel because I know I am being selfish. Because I am not the one with cancer and my attention complexes are hardly a problem in comparison. I wish I was a better person; one who was stronger and could handle being "ignored" for a few days; one who cared more about my sister and her struggles than my own selfish needs; one who said "What can I do?" instead of saying "What about me?". I am going to work to be this person. It's not going to be easy, but my family has enough to deal with, and the last thing they need is me acting like I'm 1 instead of 21.

So, these last couple days may have been rough, but I am learning. Learning to let go, to not be so selfish, and learning how to be a better person. I can't help the way I feel, but I can help what I do about it. I have to stop pouting and grow up. It's time. Hard times are on their way out...

The Best Things In Life Are Free...

En route to Dallas today to go home for the holiday's, I learned a couple lessons. First of all, traveling is not cheap. Here's my breakdown for the day:

Lunch on the way to the airport: $7
Earphones for plane: $20
Gas money for my fabulous sorority little sis who drove me to the airport: $10
Starbucks (very necessary part of my travel experience!): $5
Magazines: $10
Dinner: $10
Beer (check that off the list of things I've wanted to do as a 21 year old citizen- have a beer at the airport!): $6
Plane ticket (ok I didn't actually pay for this myself, but I figured I may as well include it): $100+
However...

Finally being home and getting to spend the holidays with my family: Priceless

Second lesson of the day? The best things in life are free, as they say, and being home with my family for Christmas is definitely worth any amount of money! Free? Maybe not so much, but priceless.. for sure!


p.s. Sorry for being a total absentee blogger as of late. It's been a combination of not really knowing how to follow up my last post and writer's block. I hope that this will launch my comeback! Hopefully some of you are still around to read what I have to say!

So Close, Yet So Far

A year and 10 days ago today was when my family recieved the worst kind of news; that something serious was going on with my sister. Just a couple weeks after that, we received more bad news; that it was cancer.


10 days from now, I was planning on celebrating (and by celebrating I mean blogging about) how far we've come in a year. How last year at this time, we weren't sure what the future held. How last year during the holidays, they were bitter sweet. And now, we could put this all behind us. We could truly enjoy our holidays knowing Anna is healthy. We could celebrate the miracle God has given us.


That was the plan... until today. Last week, it was decided that one more test needed to be run before Anna's port could come out. Her scans were clear, but they decided they should check her bone marrow before taking out the port as one last precaution. Today, we found out her bone marrow showed cancer cells were still present. Which means more treatment, more unknown, more fighting, and more praying.


No one, not even her doctors expected this to be the result. We were taken aback and obviously very sad. We had come so far, we thought we had it beat. Now, we start over again. Back to square 1.


My emotions and thoughts have been all over the place today. The main thing I keep thinking is I can't believe we're back here. It was all too familiar: the sad phone calls from my parents, the promises to keep me updated, the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next, the treatment options, all of it. All of it felt exactly as it did almost a year ago. This year was supposed to be different. This year we were supposed to have celebrations and be thankful for Anna's health. I am so disappointed, scared, and just so sad. Sad for her because she is 17 and a senior in high school. Her biggest worries should be where she is going to college, not trying to beat cancer. This is such an exciting time in her life, and I want her to enjoy that, instead she has a huge burden like cancer weighing down on her. 


Most of all, I hate being away. I am thousands of miles away and all I want to do is give my sister a hug and tell her "it will be ok" "we will get through this" and so much more. I want to be with my family who understands more than anything what I am going through, because they are going through it too. I have a great support system here; my friends and sorority sisters are amazing and supportive of not only me but also of Anna, and that is all I could ask for. But it's not the same. It's not the same as being with my family. It's not the  same as being home. And as much as my friends/ sorority sisters care and understand what I'm going through, their lives move on. They are ok. That's not to say my family is not ok, but it effects family differently than it does friends and close family friends. 


As ridiculous as it is, there is a part of me that feels guilty. Guilty for sometimes ignoring the calendar reminder that goes off every day at 12:12 to pray. Guilty for taking for granted her renewed health and not continuing to pray for continued health. Guilty because I can't do anything to make her better. My Aunt/Godmother and I exchanged messages over Facebook tonight, and she summed it up best "it is so frustrating not being able to do anything." It really is....


As much sadness and unhappiness I am feeling right now, I am also grateful. Which is a crazy thing to feel right now, but thank God we ran this test. Thank God we know that there are cancer cells present which could spread and cause irreversible damage. Thank God we can treat this, that there are options. I am so grateful that even though it sucks she has to go through more treatment, that there is treatment. That she can (and will) still beat this. This is not the end. It is just another beginning, and as much as that sucks, I would rather it be the beginning a thousand times than the end even once. My sister has proven she is a fighter and will continue to fight. This is just another bump in the road. 


What hurts the most is that we were so close to the end, but now it seems as though we are so far. It is long from the end, because we are not giving up. Anna will fight until there is no fight left because she has conquered every battle. I know that. But I would just like to fast forward to that part. 


A friend of hers posted this verse on her wall, and I thought it summed everything up perfectly "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." This should be Anna's motto. We know God is giving her the strength to get through this, and the rest of us strength to get through this. 


Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. My family & I definitely appreciate it! 

It's My Birthday, and I'll ramble if I want to!

So, I am a couple days late doing this, but I was a little busy drinking celebrating this weekend. Saturday was my 21st birthday, and I am super excited about this! I had a great weekend celebrating with great friends and I am so happy to be 21!! (So happy, in fact, that I haven't quite comprehended how old I am now. I am focusing on the exciting parts of being 21! lol) So, for my birthday post I have compiled a list of 21 random things about being 21!! (Did I mention I turned 21 enough times?)

First of all, I got a "Happy 21st Birthday" card from Student Life at my University with "21 ways to celebrate your 21st birthday. Here are some of the ways they listed that particularly amused me:

1. Strive to say "meow" 21 times in one conversation 
2. Go get line dancing lessons 
3. Take a shot of 21 flavors of Kool-Aid 
4. Take 21 shots of water 
5. Buy 21 lottery tickets 
6. Go bowling and try to get a score of 21 
7. Walk for 21 miles with a group at the park 

While these are all crazy unique, they are not exactly how I chose to spend my birthday!
Also, being that 21 is a big birthday, it came with a lot of unsolicited advice/ interesting comments regarding my birthday. Here are some of the best one's to continue the list:

1. Don't go to the hospital 
2. I knew someone who (insert crazy story here) on their 21st birthday. Don't do that. 
3. Wow, Halloween and your 21st birthday on the same weekend? I hope you survive. 
4. Have fun... but not too much fun. 
5. Have a memorable birthday. In other words, remember it! 
6. Be safe (I got this like 100 times. I guess people were concerned...)
7. (The next day) I'm glad you survived your 1st night as a 21 year old! 

And, finally to round up the list, I have compiled some random thoughts about being 21, why I'm excited to be 21, etc. 

1. If I so happen to go out and enjoy a couple of beverages on a school night, it's nice that now I don't have to worry about the big black "X"'s on my hands, so my professors won't know I went out the night before. 
2. On that note, there is nothing worse than walking into the bar and having the bouncer yell "minor". It just makes you feel so horrible about being a minor! Thank goodness I am not one of those anymore!
3. It is really unfortunate that I got my driver's license picture redone this summer... and it was hideous. Now, I have to show my ID all the time and everyone is going to see the most unattractive picture of me ever!
4. Peer pressure sucks. Especially when it's your 21st birthday and everyone thinks you need to take a lot of shots. Don't do it. Not that I did, I'm just saying. 
5. I feel like 21 is going to be expensive. I already have a list of places I want to go, things I want to do now that I am 21. They all cost money. 
6. 21 makes me feel old. Which I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean it's good that I'm getting older and growing up, but holy crap where did the time go?!
7. This age opens up so many new windows and so many new places to explore, that I am super excited! I can't wait to go to the bars I couldn't go to before, to drink where I couldn't before. It's like a whole new world! 

So, there you have it! Everything about being 21 compiled into one post! And just for fun, here is a picture of me with my 1st 2 legal drinks! A margarita and a birthday shot at the local mexican restaurant!  (They give you a sombrero with the birthday shot and sing to you! haha It's really exciting!)

Don't I look happy?! haha! Also, I love comments so feel free to leave one saying Happy Birthday! ;)

Catching Up

It's been forever and a day since I posted, I know. I have really missed posting. I just haven't had time to post and when I do have time, I have nothing to say.

I still don't really have much to say, but I felt like I needed to let you guys know you can call off the missing persons search; I'm ok, I've just been majorly neglecting my blog. So here's what's been going on:

• I went home for the first time this semester last weekend (the 8th and 9th, not this past weekend). It was a short but sweet visit. I had lunch Friday with some women I work with over the summer. It was so good catching up with them!

• 

  Team Anna! How amazing is it all these people came out to support the team!?

• Saturday was the Red Balloon Event for Children's Hospital where my sister was treated. My mom decided to start a "Team Anna" and we raised over $8000! It was so much fun and so amazing to see how many people came out to support Anna. It continually blows me away how much love and support we have received over the last year. I was so glad to be there to support team Anna!
  
  
• 
• That night, I went out to dinner with my parents for sushi, yum! It was so nice to just sit and catch up with them! Then we went to the Carrie Underwood/Billy Currington concert. Oh my gosh I can't say enough about how awesome that concert was. Carrie Underwood is so talented and I love Billy Currington, too! I was so happy I got to go! Unfortunately, the only pictures I have are kind of crappy because it is a picture of the projector screen, because although we have box seats which are amaizng they are not all that close and I didn't have my camera so this was the best I could do.
  
  
• It was really hard to leave home and I literally cried off and on the entire day Sunday after I left. Eventually I was glad to get back and even though I still miss my family, I still love my home away from home.
  
  
• Speaking of my home away from home at the Alpha Chi house, I have a little Sis now!!! (For those of you that don't speak Greek, when you're a new member of a sorority, you pick a "big sis", someone who will be your role model, helper, mentor, etc. for the next few years). It has been something I've always wanted since joining. She is so awesome and I am so happy to have her as my little!
  
  
• To update about my sister, she is feeling great, looking great, and doing really well! She is scheduled for her next scans after 3 months of no chemo in about a week. Prayers are much appreciated as obviously we need good news! If her scans are clear, they will remove her port and she can go back to being even more normal!
  
  
• Also, exciting event coming up: In 11 days, I will be 21!!! I am so excited! I can't wait to celebrate with my friends and have my first legal drink!

There's really not much else to report. I feel like this post was kind of a dud, but I felt like I should update. I promise to come up with something better really soon! Thanks for sticking around in my absence, I hope some of you are still out there!

(p.s. sorry the formatting/pictures are all over the place. Blogger did not want to cooperate. Blogger... we're fighting. Thanks for making my post look crappy.)

Writer's Workshop: Life's Unexpected Lessons

When I was younger, I loved the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I loved reading stories written by other people close to my age, and reading about other people's life experiences. Some happy, some sad, some in between. I never finished the whole book, though, because there was a chapter I always skipped. It was "On Death & Dying". A couple of times I tried to read through a few stories in that chapter, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't comprehend what it would feel like to lose someone close to you. I didn't want to think about depressing things like cancer, or tragic accidents, or death in general. Little did I know that this ignorance wouldn't last forever. Unfortunately, you can't skip over the "death and dying" chapter in your own life story.

A few weeks ago, a sorority sister of mine passed away unexpectedly. She was a new member, a freshman on campus this year, so I only knew her for about 2 weeks. She was sick; she had been fighting Scleroderma for several years, but was finally healthy enough to come to college; her biggest wish. She was the sister of a good friend of mine's (also a sorority sister) boyfriend who is also a friend of mine, so I had met her once before she came to school here. We all knew she was sick; it was discussed when we were deciding whether or not she would be a member of this house, but she didn't let that define her, so neither did we.

One night, she was having trouble breathing and feeling weak, so she asked her brother to take her to the hospital. It was not unusual for her to have to check into the hospital and get fluids and assistance breathing, so we didn't realize how serious it was when we heard. Early the next morning, she passed away.

The next day, we were all woken up really early in the morning and told to go to the basement. It was there we were told she had passed away. Obviously, we were all sad. Although we had only known her for a short time, she was one of our sisters, and that is an instant bond. I was sad for my friend who was so close with her. I was sad for her brother who is one of the nicest guys I've ever met and would do anything for his sister. Sad for their family. But, I didn't cry. I had only known her for a short time, so it was hard for me to mourn someone I felt like I barely knew.

Later in the week was the visitation, and then the funeral. It was decided that we would sing at her visitation one of our sorority songs in honor of her. I really wanted to be a part of this, so I decided to ride down to St. Louis with a couple sisters and attend the visitation. I have been fortunate enough to not have experienced many visitations before; I've been to maybe two in my 20 years of life, for my great-grandparents, so I didn't really know what to expect. When I walked into the room, there were pictures of Lyndsey everywhere, there were people standing in line to pay their respects to her body, and the open cascet.

All of the sudden, it hit me. I felt an overwhelming sadness, and I could not stop thinking this could easily be my sister. As I watched Lyndsey's friends hug Ryan, her brother, and cry, I suddenly saw myself in his shoes. I imagined Anna's friends paying their respects to her, heartbroken. I couldn't breathe. A year ago, a funeral or a  visitation would have never affected me this way. But in November of last year, everything changed because my sister was sick. And after that I didn't know how much longer I would have my sister with me. After that, I could no longer experience or even read about death without thinking of my sister and her fight for her life.

The more I heard about Lyndsey at the funeral and from my sorority sister and her boyfriend, the more she reminded me of my sister. Even my best friend told me that Lyndsey and Anna reminded her of each other. They are both fighters; Neither of them questioned "why me?", they just did what they had to do in order to not be sick anymore. They are positive, and mature, and have such an amazing outlook on life because of what they've been through. It made it that much harder to deal with someone you know dieing when I looked at her and thought of my sister. When we heard she was in the hospital, I was comforting my friend who was really close with her. We talked about how Lyndsey and Anna were chosen for a reason; because they are fighters. I hate to see another fighter lose their battle, because it reminds me that my sister could lose hers, too.

I am lucky that my sister is still here, and healthy now. But sometimes those thoughts still creep up, no matter how much you try to stop them: "how much longer will she be here?" "how much longer can she stay healthy without chemo?" "What would I do without her in my life?". The truth is, I don't know the answers to these questions. I wish I did, but I have to accept that that is part of what happens when you love someone who is sick.

For now, I just carry with me every day the lessons I have learned from Lyndsey and Anna. I don't take life for granted, and I try not to let little things get me down. People have bigger battles to fight, and Lyndsey and Anna did it with smiles on their faces. I would have never guessed that losing someone I didn't know that well could have affected me so deeply, but it did. As a constant reminder of what I've learned from them and that they are fighters, I rock my "Pray 4 Anna" and "For Lyndsey" bracelets every day. It's my way of showing the outer world that they are always on my mind.

"Pray 4 Anna" and "For Lyndsey, Forever an Alpha Chi"bracelets.

I wish that I could skip over the chapter in my life of "death and dying." I wish I could even read ahead to the end of the book to answer the questions I have. But, I can't. And if I had skipped the chapter, I wouldn't be who I am today. You never know when life is gonna throw you a lesson, and a reminder to be strong for the people you love.

This post is part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. I used the prompt "In the book I’m reading,Girls of Tender Age,the main character is deeply affected by the murder of a childhood friend. Describe a tragedy you didn’t expect to be as deeply affected by as you are."

Back to Blogging

So I've been kind of MIA lately, I know. I have really wanted to blog, but first of all there's this thing called school keeping me a little busy these days. Combine that with Sorority life, working, and campus activities and all of the sudden I got really busy! That, and when I did have a chance to blog, I couldn't come up with anything to say! I had no idea what to write about, so instead I wrote nothing. I guess I just needed some inspiration. I think the SITS girls must have known this because this week they are hosting the Back to Blogging event! This event is all about getting back into the habit of blogging after the summer. There are different tasks for each day and everyone links up! They even have awesome sponsors like Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances and are giving away Thelma & Louise, an Electrolux washer & drier!

So, today's task is to re-upload a post you wish more people would have read. This was harder than I thought it would be. I mean it took me awhile to get readers on my blog, so I figured I would have some old posts that no one read that I would want to give life to. Well, the more I read through my old stuff, the more I realized there was a reason no one read it. It wasn't that well written, it wasn't that interesting, whatever the case, I just didn't find anything I felt was worthy of re-posting. And the posts I did like and wouldn't mind re-posting? Well they had a lot of comments already, so I figured that counts as a lot of people seeing it right?


 Finally, I stumbled upon a few posts I thought were acceptable that didn't have too many comments. One was summing up my freshman year of college. But I talk a lot about my college experience on this blog and sometimes I feel like I say the same thing every time, so I wanted to go with something different! 
Finally, I found this post. I was unusually witty that day, and it has always been a favorite post of mine because it makes me laugh and it is about something I love, Starbucks! So this is entitled "As if I needed more reasons to buy Starbucks..." Enjoy! :) 
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I may have mentioned before that I am a HUGE fan of Starbucks. Yes, I am a Starbucks-aholic. (stands up) Hi, I’m Patrice, and I’m a Starbucks-aholic. Everyone: Hi, Patrice.

So the other day I was enjoying my Grande Non-Fat, with whip Mocha (what? I like it how I like it okay!?) when something caught my eye…

On the back of my cup it said: “YOU. HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH CONSERVATION INTERNATIONAL FOR 10 YEARS.” (They put it in caps, not me just to clarify) So I was all umm… I’m not sure I follow? So I kept reading… “Everything we do, you do.” Ok, now I’m really confused… what are they saying to me?! I kept reading (I was bored, ok? I needed some entertainment…) “Buy our coffee and good things happen.” Well, I knew that… ask anyone that knows me, Starbucks can change my mood from bad to good, it has powers that even people don’t have!

I won’t quote the whole thing (it’s really not that interesting!) Basically, they were just saying they have partnered up with CI (Conversational International) for the last 10 years and have therefore helped farmers and the planet, and by buying their coffee I am helping!!

I don’t know about you, but I think this is FANTASTIC news! I can finally justify my Starbucks addiction love!! I am saving the planet, not satisfying my own needs desires!! I am helping farmers! I, Patrice, am making a difference in the world! So what if it costs me my life savings a few dollars? It is for a good cause!!!

I especially liked the way Starbucks ended their letter to me: “It makes a difference. Just like you do. Congratulations, you.” YES! Congratulations, ME!

I am a planet saver!!!!! Best.news.ever! :)

This is my cup... I know you can't really read it, but I had to save the evidence!
This is my excited face when I found out the great news! lol


Well, that's it! If you came over from SITS, thanks for stopping by! I hope you'll come back. I'm excited to get Back 2 Blogging, I've missed it around here! :)