An Answer to Our Prayers

Today, my parents and my sister sat in the doctors office to hear what the most recent scans showed. Today, they got the best possible news. Today, they got an answer to our prayers and to so many others prayers. Today, the doctor told them "Your prayers have been answered.  The scans show the best possible results."  Today, a feeling of relief, of gratitude, of the power of prayer was felt by all of us.

My sister's tumor is no longer existent. The other spots that were previously seen on her back are no longer visible. This is what we have been wanting to hear since day 1. This is what we've been praying for. I have seen the power of prayer in others. I have seen what it does for them, for their families. Never before have I felt it myself in such a powerful way.

Ever since day 1, before we even knew for sure that it was cancer, I knew that there was a reason for this. I had to believe that. There was no way that we were going through all this for nothing. There was no way that all these people who were all praying for the same thing, for Anna to get better, there was no way their prayers were not heard. There was no way it was a lost cause. There was no way that Anna's strength and determination, even when she felt horrible and probably wanted to give up, was a lost cause. There's no way that my amazing sister was not going to kick cancer.

Today, we saw the power of prayer. We saw the power of determination, of strength. There could not have been better results from this test.

Of course this day is bitter sweet because our journey is far from over. My sister will still have to endure more chemotherapy, which has been making her feel so awful lately, and she will start radiation next week. Our journey, as much as we wish it was, is not over. We are not finished. We have not entirely beat cancer. But we are on our way. Our first, hard fought, battle is won. We showed cancer whose boss. We kicked cancer in the butt, and will continue to do that.

As I heard the news today, I cried. Except this time, I was crying mostly tears of joy. I flashed back to the first day I found out there may be something serious going on with my sister. I flashed back to those tears of fear, of the sense of hopelessness, and powerlessness. Today, I see that none of that is true. We were not hopeless nor powerless. We are strong, all of us. Not only our immediate family, but extended family and of course friends too. All of us believed, and we were shown it is good to believe.

I couldn't help but reflect on this journey so far when I heard the news. All the emotional roller coasters we've all been riding these last few months. I couldn't be happier that it seems to be all paying off. It has been one heck of a ride so far, and I know it is unfortunately far from over. There is nothing more that I want than the doctor to say "It's over. Go home, and continue your normal life." I want so badly for my sister to be able to be a "normal" teenager again, without the hospital stays and doctor visits, and the scans of her insides. Although this is not the case now, I know that someday soon it will be. We have to ride this roller coaster for a bit longer, but in the end it will be worth it.

However, I am choosing not to think about what the future holds or may hold. We don't know what's to come, what this stupid cancer has planned. However, for now our prayers have been answered and there is nothing more that I could want right now. I have complete faith that our prayers will continue to be answered. God is good.

Thank you to those of you who have been praying with us. Your support is amazing, and so appreciated. Please keep it up!

"God is our refuge and strength- a very present help in trouble" Psalm 46:1

Too Close to Home...

Sometimes in life no matter the situation, some things just hit a little too close "to home". It happens unexpectedly usually; in every day conversation, in class, at the grocery store. You don't know it's coming and the person you're talking to probably doesn't realize either. This happened to me today, and it was definitely unexpected and it was way too close to home.

Today started out like any other day; class, lunch, socialize, class. In my video production class today, people presented their projects they had made about a societal issue. Most were slideshows with pictures and music. The topics ranged from hockey to domestic violence to anorexia. And then... one of the hardest things I've had to sit through. A girl got up and started speaking about how her friend had a very rare form of cancer and was diagnosed when they were juniors in high school. She lost her battle. The slideshow was a tribute to this friend, and a tribute to trying to find a cure for cancer. As these images of bald women flashed before my eyes, and the word cancer, and saying what if we could find a cure, I couldn't take it. All I could think of was my sister. My sister who is fighting this battle. My sister who I wish so badly wasn't fighting for her life. My sister for whom I wish there was a cure for cancer, or that it didn't exist.

As the words and images kept flashing on the screen, I felt like I was going to stop breathing. I had tears streaming down my face in class, in front of everyone. People who didn't know that this hit just too close to home.

Thankfully, there were people, my other sisters- my sorority sisters, who do know how close to home this video hit. People like my best friend who held my hand as I cried, and cried with me.

All day, every time it crossed my mind, I got tears in my eyes. There were just so many parts to it that made it hit too close to home. Rare cancer; junior in high school. It just all reminded me of my sister, and her fight.

The song that was playing didn't help my emotions either (Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne). It could not have been a more perfect song. The lyrics were so true to how I'm feeling, it was like I wrote them. Again, too close to home. "Keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through, Just stay strong, 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you. So far away, I wish you were here... We'll fight and defend" Truer words couldn't be spoken (or sung), and it just really felt too close to home.

I realized it sometimes only takes the smallest things to remind you. It just takes that one song, that one word, one phrase. Whatever it is, you never know when reminders are gonna pop up. You never know when that one thing will bring back all the emotions, will take your breath away for a moment because it is so real. Because this is happening to someone you love.

It's not to say that I ever have forgotten or ever will forget about this battle my sister is fighting. But as my mom put it some days are good and some days are bad. Some days it is just too much to handle emotionally. And some days some things just hit too close to home...

These are the Moments I'll Never Forget.

Last Friday night was my very first exec retreat for my sorority. (For those of you that don't speak "Greek" the exec retreat is where the president and all the VP's plus advisers meet to discuss new ideas for the upcoming semester). I am proud to now be a member of the exec board, serving as the VP Communications. Going into the retreat, I was nervous. Would they like my new ideas? Would they think I'm doing a good job? What will it be like? Well, by the end of the night not only was I no longer nervous but I realized that that night would be one I'll never forget.

Although the night was serious for the most part, when you put a bunch of girls in a room together for a long period of time, you can't expect to not have any fun! There was lots of laughter, lots of funny things said, and many good times shared. I can honestly say I was amazed at how much fun I was having. There is something truly special about a group of powerful women all sharing ideas and brainstroming together and having fun while doing it. I am lucky to be a part of this group of amazing women.

After the serious part of the retreat was over, we stayed up for hours talking. Talking about boys (you're never too old for that!), swapping stories, and talking about why we joined this amazing chapter that we are so lucky to be a part of. As I was sitting there, I realized it didn't matter how tired I was, it didn't matter that it was 3 AM. These are the moments that I know I'll look back on one day and say "I miss that." One day I'll miss staying up late, talking and laughing. I'll miss being able to walk down the hall and see any one of my amazing sisters. I'll miss this...

Luckily, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and I can only imagine the amount of memories I'll have like this by the time I graduate. As hard as it is being away from my family right now, these amazing women make it easy, and for that I am so lucky.

'Tis the Season to be Jolly...

It’s Christmas time, and as the song goes, it’s the time to be jolly, right? Well needless to say, we haven’t exactly spent the last couple of months at my house being “jolly”, nor has it been easy to jump right into the Christmas spirit. When someone you love is sick, it’s hard sometimes to focus on other things, and it's too easy to focus so much on the fact that it sucks that Anna is sick, so we might forget how much we have to be grateful for.

This Christmas is certainly not a “normal” Christmas. Our Christmas tree is a tiny, fake tree and is pretty much ornament-less. Our house is not decorated for Christmas, like it has been every other year. My sister is certainly not feeling “normal” with her hair falling out and battling nausea off and on. The fact that our family has been in and out of the hospital in the last couple months is certainly not normal. The fact that we didn’t manage to send out Christmas cards to friends in family is certainly not normal. The fact that we never made it to church is not normal. The fact that I am traveling by myself this Christmas to visit family instead of our whole family going is not normal.

However, even though we have these abnormalities this Christmas, there is so much greatness this season. The fact that we have so many people praying for my sister and our family; friends, family and even strangers. The beautiful tree in our front yard, Anna’s “Angel Tree” started by dear friends to surprise Anna when she came home one night, covered in ornaments donated by friends and family to symbolize their prayers. The fact that although the inside of our house may be lacking Christmas decorations, that our house is lit up beautifully on the outside, a wonderful gift of time and effort by the amazing people and family my dad works with. The fact that my sister is home, and feeling mostly good and can celebrate Christmas like normal and not in the hospital. The fact that even though Santa’s elves in our house have been a little busy as of late, Santa still managed to come to our house, and bring great joy to us all. The fact that thanks to a great bloggy friend we are sending happy new year cards, and spreading the knowledge that 2010 is going to be a great year of healing for us. The fact that I am able to go to South Carolina to represent our family and celebrate the season with my grandparents, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. The fact that we are all together, that we have each other. That we experienced the first White Christmas in Dallas in 83 years, which as a great family friend pointed out is the sign of miracles.

I remember reading MckMama’s blog back when her baby son Stellan was so sick, and her post about their families “new normal”.  A lot of that is what we are experiencing now. Although a year ago, this Christmas would not be considered normal, this is our new normal. We are learning to roll with the punches, play the hand we are dealt, make lemonade out of the lemons we’ve been dealt. This is a new, but temporary, normal. This is normal for now, and with God’s help, next year at this time things will be back to the old normal. All the familiar signs of the season will be back, and all the signs of a family struggling through a hard time will just be memories of this year.

Most importantly, we had a wonderful Christmas Eve and a wonderful Christmas, spending quality time just the four of us, enjoying amazing meals, and just enjoying each others company. That is reason enough, in my opinion, to be jolly this Christmas season.

Our house, with our beautiful Christmas lights and snow on the ground! (Sorry for the poor quality, it was taken on my iPhone. Also, this picture doesn't include the beautiful Angel Tree... I was just trying to get the snow on the ground, and this was the part of the house most lit up!)


 Merry Christmas to you all & your families! :)

Under the surface...

Life is a funny thing in a lot of ways. There is always a surface to it, if you ask me. Like a door or something that covers up the realities in life. It's like when you meet a new family and they seem like the perfect, happy family but you don't really know what goes on behind closed doors (Hello, Tiger Woods). We all have our burdens, our crosses to bear, but most of us don't walk around with them tattooed on our forehead or on a t-shirt across our chest.

Coming home this weekend, I experienced some of this. My sister had a great weekend, she was feeling really good, she looked really good and she seemed, well... normal. Normal is a funny word, because what exactly is normal? Just because she still looks the same and acts mostly the same, the truth is she still has cancer. On the surface, she looks like the average sixteen year old, just going on about her daily life. But underneath the surface are the tell-tale signs of someone whose fighting an ugly disease. The scar from her surgery; The port her chemo goes into. And inside, her body is full of stupid cancer cells.

It's hard sometimes to look at her and think how normal she looks. It's almost like a trick. You know like the game you play when you're young "made you look, haha!" You almost let yourself forget because she seems fine, so she must be fine right? If only it were that simple...

This week will be one big wake up call for me as I have yet to witness my sister "looking" sick. She went in yesterday for her second round of treatment, and I'll be there for her this week, which I am glad about, but the side effects might not be pretty. More than likely, she's gonna be feeling crappy and this is the first time I'll have witnessed that. I know it's all just part of the process, but it just makes it all seem more real and a lot less "normal".

Sometimes I think it's better her than me, if anyone, and I mean that in a completely selfish way. I would take it away from her and have it be me in a second, but I don't know if I could do it. She is so strong, stronger than me I think sometimes, and that amazes me. One of my favorite sayings is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." So far throughout this journey, our strength is definitely being put to the test, but we are ready for the test. We don't have any choice but to be strong, so we are doing our best to be strong. Sometimes, though, it's hard.

Last night, visiting her at the hospital for the first time, was the first time it really started hitting me, she is sick. She has cancer, and it sucks. I guess just being in the hospital seeing her hooked up to those drugs it was kind of a wake up call, like this is real and I'm not gonna wake up and have it be over.

I hate all of this. Just being home not even a week I'm tired of hearing the word cancer. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of not knowing what's going to happen next. I hate that I am already learning my way around the hospital just as well as I know my way around my house. I hate being home & her not being here because she's at the hospital. I hate cancer.

And still, even with all of this, I still look at her and think she seems so normal. If only there was nothing under the surface and everything was back to normal...


*Note- The last 2 days with Anna being in the hospital have been rough, so I'm venting a little. Positive post coming soon! :) *

Optimism and Positivism

Last year as an ice breaker game as new members of our sorority, we played the name game. Basically, you give yourself an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name and add that to your name. When I chose Positive Patrice as mine, everyone had a good laugh. I didn't understand why that was so funny but everyone who knew me found it to be pretty ironic. Apparently I wasn't as positive as I thought. After that I tried to be more aware of how I was thinking and I made an effort to be more positive.

Looking back on the story it now seems kind of ironic because by everyone laughing at me implying that I'm positive it made me strive to be more positive so that it wouldn't be so funny. In a way, it's a good thing I subconsciously started working on my optimism because now I need my optimism more than ever. With my sister fighting cancer, optimism has never played such a strong role in my life before. But now? I strive everyday to stay positive for her and for me. I make an effort to push any negative thoughts/feelings about this sucky situation out of my head. And this is so important to not just me, but to all of us. Everyone around her has to stay so positive for her.

Through out this whole thing I've been continuously amazed at Anna's strength and her continued positive attitude. There really are few things in life that test your optimism and ability to stay strong and positive as much as cancer. Cancer is is awful. It's ugly. It's stupid. It's all around horrible. But it can be beat and that's what's most important.

So when I heard yesterday she was feeling down, I was concerned. When I texted her to see what's up it turns out a stupid doctor told her she's dieing. That the chemo won't work and even if it does it will most likely come back within 2 years and kill her. This is by far the worst thing you could possibly say to someone who just began a LONG road to fight for their life. She is NOT dieing. There IS hope. There IS a good chance that she'll beat this. And when she's finished kicking cancer's butt, we'll move on to that doctor who so stupidly told her she's dieing. He later clarified that he was just explaining all possible worst-case scenarios, and that they do feel strongly that she can beat this and they are giving her the best treatment in order for her to get better, but what's done is done.

Optimism isn't always easy. It's a struggle all the time to not let the negative thoughts affect you. Sometimes you take blows to your positive attitude and optimism that seem harder to bounce back from. To tell someone they're going to die is hard for them to recover from. Regardless of whether or not it's true, it's not something you take lightly. It is not something you can move on and forget no matter how many times people tell you it's untrue. This breaks my heart that someone said those words to my sister. She is strong. She CAN and WILL fight this, but not if you knock her down before she even gets a chance to get anywhere near the finish line.

As much as I hate this, and hate that she was so upset and distraught over hearing that, I can't say I blame her. I don't blame her at all for being scared, for feeling defeated by having someone tell her she's going to die. Even though he took it back, it was already out there and it already got into her head. And you know what? That is scary. How could I blame her for being scared when I'm scared too? Of course I'm scared, we are all scared. I'm terrified. I will always stay strong for her, and when she needs a pep talk I will always be there. But when I'm laying in bed, alone with my thoughts, optimism sometimes escapes me. I think of life without my sister and I feel sick to my stomach. I feel so incomplete it's inconceivable.

I have faith. I know that she will beat this. I know I won't ever have to know what life is like without my sister, because she will be fine. She'll show that doctor who's boss! She is strong. She can and will do this. We just all have to hang on to our faith, and keep working on that optimism..

 (Face-in-holed by my cousin, picniked by me)
I love you, Anna.... stay strong! We're in this together! <3

Maybe in Distance, but Not at Heart

One of my favorite sayings is "friends forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but not at heart." This is how I'm feeling in regards to my sister this week. I may be miles away, but in my heart I'm with her. It's hard being away right now but I'll be home soon enough, and be able to spend time with her. Even though I'm not there with her, she's always on my mind and in my heart.

I still can't quite wrap my head around this whole thing... the fact that my sister who was perfectly fine 3 weeks ago has cancer. It's unreal. It's like the world got turned upside down pretty much. It is a hard thing to comprehend, for sure. I think that being here at school and going on with my life as it always is is what is making it so hard to comprehend. Sure, hearing the updates from my parents and knowing what's going on makes it feel real, especially now that she's in the hospital, but for me life still feels normal. Sometimes it hits me randomly... when I actually sit down and think about the fact that my sister has cancer, it scares me. I'm scared of what's to come, of what's going to happen to her, of everything. I'm scared of going home for Christmas break and seeing her in the hospital, seeing her looking sick. I want my sister back without the cancer!

People keep asking me how I'm holding up. It's a funny thing to try to answer. I compare it to any other kind of bad news or set backs in life. You have ups and downs. There are days when I feel sad and wish this wasn't happening to her, times I feel scared of the future, times when I feel guilty for living my life like normal, and times when I'm happy, despite the fact that my sister is sick. I am holding up like normal, but with my sister in my thoughts and in my heart.

Yesterday, we got bad news that her cancer has spread to her bone marrow. This means that the fight is going to be tougher and possibly longer. They have ruled it Stage 4 cancer. Stage 4. Those words break my heart and scare me at the same time. I never wanted to have to hear the words stage 4 cancer in reference to my sister, and never thought I would. However, I am so thankful that it is something she can and will fight. I know that one day we will look back on this and think how much it sucked and how glad we are that it's all behind us and that it was totally and completely worth the time, energy and all around suckiness.

Of course we all wish that this wasn't happening, but it is and all we can do is kick cancer's butt!

So until I'm home next weekend, I'm keeping her in my heart because even though we're separated by distance, we're not separated at heart!

Thank you for all the support, thoughts and prayers. It really makes me feel so great when I am reminded of how many people are praying for my sister. All the e-mails, the twitter messages and the messages on her CaringBridge site bring tears to my eyes. It is overwhelming in a good way how much support and love we are getting! Thank you.