Worst Kind of News, pt. 2

When bad things happen, it's hard for me to put into words how I'm feeling. I don't know how to explain it, how to make it make sense. So, I write it down. Somehow I can't verbalize how I'm feeling, but I can write it down just fine.

So, today, not even a week from when this all started, when I received the worst kind of news, my first instinct was to blog about it. To share how I'm feeling. Because I don't really know how to talk to about it, but in writing it all comes together.

Today, my beautiful sister was diagnosed with Ewings Sarcoma.... bone cancer. That awful word I was so afraid of being used in the same sentence with my sister's name. It's now become a reality, and I hate it. We all hate it.

It's in the early stages, and it hasn't spread, which is great. But it's cancer... and cancer isn't fun. She has a rough road ahead of her, but she's going to be fine which is most important.

I wish that this wasn't happening, that I would wake up and realize this whole thing has just been one really horrible dream. I hate this for her, and for my family. I'd give anything to have it be me and not her. I'd give anything to take this all away and have life go back to normal.

I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the next few days, weeks, and months and what's to come. I can't even imagine how she's feeling; probably the same way, but worse. I'm scared for her. I wish that my life wasn't going on as normal, that I wasn't going back to school in a few days while her life is changing so much. I can't even imagine not being here to support her through what's to come, but at the same time I can't imagine seeing her sick. It scares me me to think of her like that. I don't want my sister to be sick, not this kind of sick.

I keep feeling like she is sick, but with the flu or something. That in a few days this will all blow over and everything will change. And then I remember that that's not the case at all. That things are going to be very different for all of us for the next few months while she's getting better. It sucks. There's no easy way to say it. It sucks that this is happening, and I just want it to be over, for her to be better already, to fast forward through the next few months. 

I know that the important thing is that she will get better. She can fight this. She is so strong both mentally and physically. She'll get through this, and for that I am so grateful.

The support we have gotten has been amazing. Family, firends, and even strangers are praying and thinking of us during this difficult time. I know that there is a reason all of this is happening. This is a blessing in disguise. It's bringing us all closer to God, it's putting everything in perspective for us, and it is bringing us closer together as a family. I wish that it didn't have to happen this way, but it is happening, and I am grateful that some good is coming out of something so horrible.

So tonight, on Thanksgiving Eve (well technically it's Thanksgiving already), I am thankful for the blessings we have received. I'm thankful for having my sister in my life and having such a great family. I'm thankful for the amazing support from all of you blog friends and twitter friends, from our family and friends, and from people we don't even know.

Anna... I'm so glad that you are my sister. We can get through this together! I'm always here for you, and I will be with you every step of the way, fighting with you. I'm so proud of you for the way you're handling all of this. I know it's not easy, but you can and will do it! I love you so much <3

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

A Caring Bridge site has been set up for her, so if you would like to stay updated feel free to keep up there.

Worst Kind of News

I hate blogging under negative circumstances. I would much rather write funny, witty posts, anything but this type of post. But something is weighing on my mind heavily, and I can't not share.

My younger sister has been having hip pain for quite awhile, so they finally went to get it checked out this week. After a few tests and stuff, they found a mass on her hip which they think might be a tumor. They found this out this afternoon, and by tonight my sister was already at the hospital having a biopsy. After the biopsy, the doctors are optimistic... they intitally thought it was a very agressive form of cancer and have since changed their minds, but aren't really sure what it is. It's going to take a few days to know for sure.

I am honestly kind of speechless. My emotions have been all over the place since finding this news out at 3:30 this afternoon. At first, I was in shock, I didn't know what to think, what to do, what to say. The more I thought about the more scared I was and I couldn't get that awful word cancer out of my head. That big, scary, mean, ugly word. My sister is only 16. She shouldn't have to be going through this. I am scared. I am terrified of what's going to happen to her. I don't want to have to think about life without my sister, my other half.

I immediately flash back to all those times we've argued, all those times we said I hate you to each other, even though we both knew we didn't mean it. We're sisters, we fight. That's inevitable, of coruse. But now? Now I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I had kept in touch with her better while being away at school. I wish that I didn't take tomorrow and next year and 20 years from now for granted. I wish I had cherished the time with her more.

Most of all, I wish I was there. The worst part of all of this is hearing her cry on the phone and telling me how she wished I was there, when I knew I couldn't be there. Logically, I know there's not much I could do there. She has a great support system even without me. But I feel awful for being so far away. I wish I could be there to support her, to tell her everything will be ok. And I will be soon enough. I'll be home in less than a week, and be able to tell her all those things. I'll be able to spend time with her, and I'm glad for that. As my dad put it, my job is to focus on school and studies, and their job is to focus on her.

It's hard for me to be here, with my life going on as normal, and have her there, with her life anything but normal. She's in the hospital, and I'm still here, still doing the same things I was yesterday. I feel guilty for laughing, for having fun. My friends invited me to go out with them tonight... I feel guilty if I go out and have fun. Of course she'll always be on my mind, but I just feel guilty that she is the one suffering and I'm not. Everything else just seems so unimportant now. Like all my worries or needs seem so trivial and stupid. 

I really believe that everything will be okay. I know whatever happens, she will make it through. She is stubborn and will fight if she has to. I pray that this is just all a big scare, and that everything will turn out fine. I know in my heart that she'll be okay, that 20 years from now is not something to take for granted because it will happen. It's just the "what if's" that scare as much as I try not to think like that.

Everyone has been so phenomenal, so supportive already. All of her friends and classmates have been adding me on facebook, and offering their thoughts and prayers. One of her classmates is hosting a rosary ceremony at the school tomorrow morning. Everyone is praying, and I can't thank them for that enough. Everyone on Twitter has been amazing, offering their prayers as well. Even people who don't personally know me or my sister are praying for her and for my family. That is amazing. Thank you. If you're curious, I'm updating on Twitter as much as possible, so you can keep up with what's going on there. Also, a CaringBridge page has been started for her, so updates can be seen there as well.

Anna... you're one of the strongest people I know. You'll get through whatever this is, which is hopefully nothing. I know everything will be okay. I'm always here for you and I'm so lucky that you're my sister.

Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. It really does mean a lot...

The Big 2-0!

Yesterday was a big day for me... 20 years ago yesterday I came into this world!! Yesterday was my 20th birthday! I had a great day with really great friends & was so busy celebrating I didn't get this post up until now! ;)

I can't believe I'm 20... I'm so old! Although 20 sometimes gets overlooked because you're jsut waiting for the next year so you can turn 21, I think 20 is pretty significant! I am no longer a teenager anymore, and I am closer to being a woman.

I was so ready to be 20, I hated being ninteen because of that suffix on the end of the word... teen. You see, once upon a time, that suffix was something I longed for, I couldn't wait for, in fact I had to be a "pre-teen" before my age even had "teen" in it! But by the time I was nineteen I wanted nothing more than to be rid of that "teen" title and be associated with children! I feel like 20 sounds more adult, more grown up, and not child-like!

19 made my blog title, Not a girl not yet a woman, ring even more true than it already did because it was like I was so close to being a woman, but not quite there and I felt like a child every time I said I was 19! Now I'm in a whole new demographic, the 20's!

19 was a good year... a lot happened in a year:

• I had my first big break up 
• I hit a bloggy milestone!
• Learned some very important lessons! 
• Finished my 1st year of college!
• Got an amazing internship with College Lifestyles!
• Said goodbye to my first car. 
• Returned for my second year of college and got to work on my 1st rush!

Overall, I'd say it was a pretty big year. Lots of change, but lots of goodness! I can't wait to see what 20 has to hold!

Last year, for my birthday, I asked to break my comment record, and you guys made it happen! Jen E @ Momma Blogs A Lot even made me my own virtual birthday card! So this year what do I want?! Well, a happy birthday from each one of my followers would be nice! And that would break my record from last year! ;)

No Place Like Home!

First of all I know I haven't posted in forever. This is terrible! I am going to make myself get back to blogging. I just haven't been able to get out of my own head, convincing myself all my posts suck! Anyway, I hate for my first post in over a month to be such a downer, but what better place to vent than my blog!?

When I made the choice to go to school 10 hours away from home, I was okay with it because I knew I made the right decision about where to go to school and I was right. I got lucky and felt really at home here right away, so I rarely get homesick. This felt like my new home. Plus, I'm lucky enough that my family is able to come visit me a lot, so it's not like I never see them. so far this semester, I've seen my mom twice, my sister once and my dad will be here in a couple weeks!

But, sometimes that homesick feeling creeps up on me. This weekend is fall break. Granted, it's not that big of a deal; we get one day off from classes, but since most people are from close by pretty much everyone is going home. And it's times like these, when the sorority house is empty and not many people are around to hang out with, that I wish I could go home for a weekend. It's not that I can't, but I have to plan way ahead to do that; order plane tickets, find a ride, schedule the bus, etc. It's not like I can just hop into the car, and be home in a couple hours. And sometimes, that sucks.

Right now, I'm just feeling a little lonely and would love to curl up on the couch at home and have my mom spoil me, and for some reason that's making me sad. It doesn't help that my plans for this weekend apparently fell through and no one notified me (another story for another time).

It's not the end of the world, clearly, but I miss my house and my family and I am a little jealous of all the people who can hop in their car and drive home for a weekend. I'm lucky that I have a second family here, though, with my sorority sisters, and I know I'll get through the weekend just fine. Every once in awhile I just miss home... like Dorothy said "There's no place like home!"

A Personal Ad

So in case you didn't know I am single, really really single as in the only males I ever talk to are someone elses boyfriend, guys that may or may not be gay, and guys that I could never see as anything more than platonic. So, in light of all this I have decided to take out a personal ad on my blog. I know what you're thinking... lame, and who meets anyone on the internet?! But it's not what you think...

My personal ad I'm taking out here on my blog is NOT for a guy. No it is not for a girl either... well at least not in a romantic way. I am taking out an ad for some single friends. I need other single girls to hang out when everyone else is with their boyfriends. It's pretty annoying when you're just looking for some company and everyone is occupied with boys. What ever happened to quality girl time? What ever happened to "F**k guys, I just wanna dance!" (That's a Dane Cook reference in case you didn't catch it!)

So, I'm seeking a college age, preferably straight just so there's no confusion, female, any size any color whatever. The only qualification is that you are completely single! And you want to hang out... I need some quality girl time. And no, listening to you talk about your boyfriend and how great he is or how great the sex is doesn't count! It would help if we could hang out IRL but, you know, blog friends/ twitter friends are welcome too!

So if you think you fit the description, let me know! You'd think that in a house full of 69 girls I could probably find some single friends, but all my good friends seem to have been taken by the relationship bug and suddenly don't have time for anything else anymore. Which is the reason for this ad! Do you need a personal ad for something, too?! Speak your peace and those of us in need can unite!!

Drawing Blanks

I know it's been like a million years since I posted here. Recruitment was over almost 2 weeks ago (read about it here!), so I can't really use that excuse anymore. I have been trying to post; I have like 5 drafts over the last couple weeks that I start, and then I can't finish. There in lies the problem.

Every time I start to write something lately, I think this sucks. I shouldn't post it. or I sound stupid. Or what if someone IRL reads it who I don't want to read it and it causes drama? I guess I just can't get out of my own head, and it is causing problems!

I remember feeling frustrated like this before, like I want to post but I can't because of problem A B or C. So I did some digging and found this post I wrote a few months ago. It's really great when you can give yourself a pep talk! Like I said in that post, I blog for me and the rest of it like comments & blog friends is an added bonus, but is not the focus. I can't worry so much about the fact that my writing sucks or I sound like an awful person because so what!? If I was writing a diary on paper that no one but me read, I would probably suck at writing sometimes, and I would probably sound selfish or something at times because that's real life! If I'm just writing for me, I wouldn't be constantly self-editing to the point where I don't even want to post anymore!

So if my writing sucks and I sound like an awful person, I'm sorry, but later when I'm looking back on my blog, remembering this time in my life, I want there to be something to read. It's not the same going through your drafts folder and reading half written posts or even full written posts that never got posted or never finished. I guess its true when people say you are your own harshest critic. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself...

So I just needed this little pep talk to remind me that whatever I post has a purpose, it serves as a memory, and that is a good enough reason to post whatever I want! I guess if I'm being true to my word I should post one of those drafts that's already finished or half finished, but I figured I might as well put this in writing first! I'll get back to the other stuff eventually.. or not. We'll see...

Blog Neglect

I feel like I've been seriously neglecting my blog, and I kind of have but not as bad as I thought since my last post was Saturday which feels like an eternity ago, but in reality was only a few days ago!

Anyway, I have a good excuse, really I do. This week is rush at Alpha Chi Omega (my sorority), and we are incredibly busy taking part in that and preparing for it. And I'm exhausted. We all are. But this week is super special because we have to focus on what it is that made us join this chapter, what it is that we love about being here, and there couldn't be a better time for me to focus on all of this. I was feeling homesick before I even left home, and then I got back here and it was like we had never left. I found myself giddy at the littlest things about being back here; the way our sorority house smells (it's a good smell unlike some of the frat houses! haha), the walk to the dining hall chatting with sisters, the fact that anytime I need to talk I have 4o+ girls that are just a walk down the hall or down the stairs who will listen at anytime about anything. This really is my second home, and I couldn't have chosen a better one. Which is why I'm so excited to pass that on to incoming students that will hopefully feel the same way at this time next year.

It's crazy to think it was just a year ago that I was on the other side of all this; visiting the different houses, trying to make the right decision. It was scary and exciting all at the same time! Not to mention that all of this was going on as I was adapting to this brand new place. But, it worked out. It was meant to be. This is where I belong. And that makes all the homesickness fade, makes all of the boring nights of summer completely worth it, makes the long trip to get here completely worth it.

So, I won't be around much (most likely at all) for the next week. If you wanna take a trip down memory lane with me, go back and read about my first day of school last year, which will have been a year ago tomorrow. I can't believe how far I've come... Also, I had some pretty fantastic guest posts written for me this time last year as well, so check those out too!

This picture from Bid Day last year (picniked by one of my sorority sisters) says it all: "Every girl needs at least one friend to come to for support... I'm lucky enough to have 65."